*sigh* this may take a while

mark55man

It's pretty clear that the 2m social distancing is going to get reduced to 1m very soon.  Why not use that as an excuse to offer her permission for her friends to come by (maybe in the garden if that works for you) so long as she tidies her room a bit!!

Kind of feels win win win and not a great cost to yourself, and you also get to see the friendly side of you DD when she is with her friends

don't know really you are literally in the spot right now where you can;t do anything right.  but a deep breath and do it for the greater good   

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Good plan... her Birthday party got cancelled because of lockdown.  We've said to her she can have friends over for a garden party once 2m rule relaxes.  She loved the idea, 'as long as we can get take away pizza.... and we can have alcohol... oh and can you get some Ben&Jerry's in'  Have told her she'll get a budget of £100 and how spendy she wants to be will limit the number of guests (and pizza and booze), to which I was told I was tight. 
Pointed out that if everyone bought a bottle, £100 buys a lot of pizza and ice cream.  Or if she ditches the ice cream, it buys pizza and a bottle of something.  Think I left it as 'take it or leave it, you ungrateful child'.  It's that kind of conversation that exhausts me, you try and do something nice and it's 'but what about....?' and if you don't bend, you get insulted.  Grrrrr

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant  I'll learn to let it wash over me one of these days 

mark55man

teenagers are like cats - it's always OK for them to ask for what they want

Moneywhizz

If my daughter called me tight I would be tempted to show her what tight actually looks like, ie no money for a birthday party. She does sound like an entitled teen though, so hopefully it's just a phase and she will grow out of it soon. Are the grandparents unable to help out with childcare or is it because of the lockdown restrictions?

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Moneywhizz said:

If my daughter called me tight I would be tempted to show her what tight actually looks like, ie no money for a birthday party. She does sound like an entitled teen though, so hopefully it's just a phase and she will grow out of it soon. Are the grandparents unable to help out with childcare or is it because of the lockdown restrictions?

She just has no concept of money.  One time, we showed her some of our budget thinking it would help her understand how much life costs.  Big mistake!!! She just kept seeing categories that meant nothing to her and saying 'you could use that money to buy me more clothes' and 'if you stopped putting money there, we could go on a foreign holiday' and 'why do you work in healthcare, you don't earn very much'... my favourite was 'why don't you work full time, you're so lazy only working 3 days a week'  I was so !!!!!! off, when I said about juggling work, home and family, she was 'well, it was your choice to have 5 children'.  Grrrrr.  I cancelled her phone contract for a month after that conversation, that went down well!!
OH thinks I try to reason with her too much and should just be 'our house, our rules' (which I don't disagree with, but easier said than done), but he also avoids any conflict, so when she starts you don't see him for dust.  Last time she started, I said 'come on then, let's see you do the 'my house, my rules' approach'.  It lasted about 5 minutes, by which point he was angrier than I've ever seen him in the 25 years I've know him and he had to go for a 2 hour walk to calm down.  Teens!!
One set of grandparents lives too far away and both of our mums are isolating unfortunately.  My mum did offer, but I'd feel awful if she caught it off us  :'(

Moneywhizz

Oh not easy dealing with a teenager with that attitude. Good for you passing the buck to OH but not a great outcome! Still it won't last forever, and your other children don't seem to be following in her footsteps so that's good. It's amazing how children with the same parents and same upbringing can turn out so different. Has she tried to get a part time job like your son? Personally I think paying her to babysit might be a good way to get her to realise she could earn herself some money to buy all the things she wants rather than depending on her 'tight' mother. 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

No, she hasn't even tried.  She was originally saying it would be too hard to keep up with her school work, but she finished school in March and has done nothing to get a job and there are loads available round here.  She's not noticing it at the moment as nothing is open to spend money on, but she'll feel it over the summer hols.  It'll do her the world of good to get a job, she'll have a massive shock at how hard it is to earn money.  Yes, babysitting might give her an inkling of it in the meantime

sarahsays

Starting to think teens have a script they all read from lol - I can relate to all you've said.  I'm no expert but have found that, when teens are feeling powerless in the 'real' world, or have to act in a certain fashion to keep / placate their peer group, they often act out in the safety of the home - after all, you're not going to withdraw your friendship or stop loving them because they show the aggression or anger they are feeling inside - not fair, and bewildering to you, but in a strange way shows that they can trust you and don't feel like they have to put on an act around you.  Also, they can sometimes push and push just to test the strength of your love and committment. Sometimes they may feel that another child may be your favourite, and don't realise that this isn't true but that your relationship with the other children may be easier / more flowing, because you don't have to tread on eggshells around them, in cause they become volatile. What I found really helped was going out with that teen for a few hours one evening a week, whether for a meal, a coffee, McDonald's, the cinema, and just listen to them and enjoy their company - it was always a pleasant experience for us both and a welcome break from 'hostilities' and the good relationship would often continue for days.
 

savingholmes

I did 'date' nights /time out with the kids in turn as they grew up so they could say what they wanted. It definitely heped.