*sigh* this may take a while

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Yankee24 said:

Just my 2 cents.  And as I said before , I have had to do the hard parenting too…. But I’d say life changes and it isn’t fair.  you have 3 mo before you pay rent etc, even a nominal amount. A year is not great.  She will rinse it for all its worth.  I took 50 a week and then returned it to my DD when she moved out eventually.  And then we had a giggle.  It will eat you up seeing her live it up on her disposable income.  And it’s a poor example for the other kids.  If she can find a place on her own for 200 a week, then she is welcome to it.  Seriously, I know it is hard.  But our job is to prepare them.  Not please them. 

A year does seem like a long time.... but before she got the apprenticeship, we'd agreed to a gap year, so don't feel like we can backtrack. Of course it's a slightly grey area because she lost the opportunity through her own laziness, so it does feel like we're rewarding that.
We'll stick to the year, but there will be no handouts.  She'll run out of money fast and then have to work.  We've also said that a gap year is not a doss year, she must DO something - work, travel, find another course/apprenticeship.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

savingholmes said:

Best of luck living with her as she adjusts... 

Indeed... she's chill at the moment as she has disposable money, no work, no studying and living her best life.
Reality will bite at some point and she won't be pleasant to be around when that happens.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

mark55man said:

Another option - may cost you a little in support and set up costs, but how about asking if she wants to move out and head to the city. If  she is on UC (if not check eligibility and apply as soon as possible) then the rent element won't apply at home.  So she may be able to find a place (a bit grotty) to live in and then with UC help for the rent it will not end up costing your family or her that much  more (DYOR my as DD did this but she was 22 so UC rules may differ) .  Has she got any friends who she could do this with . Plenty of casual jobs in the city - let her find her own way - she will stifle a little at home (particularly if there is an air of disappointment), and those early years can have an impact of work expectations afterwards  

I don't think this would be feasible for our finances and she wouldn't be keen to move away.  Her friends are all off to uni or starting apprenticeships, so she'd be on her own too.
I don't want to encourage her to apply for benefits, I think as she's capable of working she should do that if she wants money.

We're not mentioning the apprenticeship to her, that's all done with.  As long as she doesn't just doss around, there's no disappointment

ohdearhowdidthathappen

fern44 said:

LOL you remind me of my mum she used to shout at me and say you will end up with a rubbish job 
I did well academically but not in the subjects she wanted me to do 
I did not I just did not know what I wanted except to escape !
try not to worry too much but I would make her get a job x

We've always let our children choose their own subjects, we've always told them to choose what they enjoy and what will lead them to the role they want (if they know).
The apprenticeship was something she wanted to do, she was chatting yesterday about wanting to basically find the exact thing again.  But she knows she'd have to resit and isn't sure she wants to!  She basically wants the end role without the 4 years of hard work necessary to qualify  
If she doesn't resit, she'll need to get a job to fund her while she comes up with a new plan

ohdearhowdidthathappen

DD has been at a festival this weekend.
She's having a great time and it's a lovely way for her and her friends to unwind.
We bought the ticket as part of her 18th Birthday gift and covered transport and money for food as we see it as all part of the original gift.

Back to school buying has started and is as painful as always.  Eldest DS needs two full suits and all 4 (not 5 now!) schoolchildren need uniform, shoes, trainers, stationery etc.  Ouch!

enthusiasticsaver

Disappointing about your DDs grades and losing the apprenticeship but as you say you were not surprised.  Hopefully this will give her a bit of a dose of reality that nothing comes for free and if you want to do well you need to work hard. This may gradually have an affect on her previously entitled behaviour.  As you say there is no one to blame but herself given you gave her every opportunity to study. My youngest DD also did not work hard enough for A levels and says this now as an adult.  She has still done well though once she found a job she enjoyed and excelled at.  There are all sorts of ways to get to where you want to be so I would try and take a relaxed approach to this and assure her it is not the end of the world.  

ladyholly

One thing does occur to me. With all her friends of to work or uni your dd is going to be quite lonely. Is she likely to try to stay in bed all day as she will have no money and no friends to hang out with. I think once her friends start disappearing she might realise that life as a bored, lonely, broke teenager isnt much fun.

mark55man

Don't let her do resits by default unless she really really wants to - if so then you will be 1 year down the line and no further forward.  speaking from experience although she will grow in that year but either she will go to uni and resits wont make a lot of difference to where she can get or she won't go to uni in which case better off starting career/apprenticeships know

don't dismiss benefits.  why not - she is entitled (literally) to them - you have paid your tax and she will pay hers, so don't deprive family you of the income.  maybe suggest she is in charge of it - even if she gets a part time job she may still get something 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

enthusiasticsaver said:

Disappointing about your DDs grades and losing the apprenticeship but as you say you were not surprised.  Hopefully this will give her a bit of a dose of reality that nothing comes for free and if you want to do well you need to work hard. This may gradually have an affect on her previously entitled behaviour.  As you say there is no one to blame but herself given you gave her every opportunity to study. My youngest DD also did not work hard enough for A levels and says this now as an adult.  She has still done well though once she found a job she enjoyed and excelled at.  There are all sorts of ways to get to where you want to be so I would try and take a relaxed approach to this and assure her it is not the end of the world.  

Yeah, we've had the 'grades aren't everything talk' before she got the results.  DH and i both did similar and have done ok... it's the lack of a plan and work ethic that makes us twitch.  She's got time to decide

ohdearhowdidthathappen

ladyholly said:

One thing does occur to me. With all her friends of to work or uni your dd is going to be quite lonely. Is she likely to try to stay in bed all day as she will have no money and no friends to hang out with. I think once her friends start disappearing she might realise that life as a bored, lonely, broke teenager isnt much fun.

She's ok... a few are taking a gap year or doing a local apprenticeship.  She's got plans to visit a few friends at uni as long as not too far north (her words)... when we were chatting about it earlier, she thought Birmingham was near Scotland! 
Her boyfriend has a good apprenticeship that doesn't start until January.