*sigh* this may take a while

ladyholly

MalMonroe said:

I honestly do not think that teens are 'lazy'.  

I would disagree. Some teens are lazy. My DD was quite capable of getting good grades but she has admitted to me that she couldnt be bothered and couldnt see the point. She is now in her 40s and still has no ambition but is happy with her life and I cannot ask for more. She has two amazing daughters - one is like her and the other has been to uni and has a decent job.

Drawingaline

ladyholly said:

MalMonroe said:

I honestly do not think that teens are 'lazy'.  

I would disagree. Some teens are lazy. My DD was quite capable of getting good grades but she has admitted to me that she couldnt be bothered and couldnt see the point. She is now in her 40s and still has no ambition but is happy with her life and I cannot ask for more. She has two amazing daughters - one is like her and the other has been to uni and has a decent job.

My son is incredibly lazy. However he finally started to pick his grades up around Easter as his course started to interest him more. My daughter works incredibly hard and did amazingly in her A levels and is into her first choice of uni. 

I hope your daughter begins to realise what she may have thrown away. Or she may just be on her way just taking a different path. My brother has taken a roundabout route, but seems happy enough. Although I know my parents still worry about him a lot and he turns 40 next year!

EssexHebridean

MalMonroe - have you read through OhSh's diary? I assume not or you'd have some background about the way their daughter has been with them for the last few years - genuinely, if OhSh says they've been supportive of her, I see no reason to infer that's not the case, and the broadbrush with a suggestion that "teens aren't lazy" just seems crazy - of course "some" teens are lazy, in much the same way as "some" are hardworking, "some" adults are ambitious, or "some" dogs bite...   I'm glad to see others giving their own experiences too! 

savingholmes

EssexHebridean said:

MalMonroe - have you read through OhSh's diary? I assume not or you'd have some background about the way their daughter has been with them for the last few years - genuinely, if OhSh says they've been supportive of her, I see no reason to infer that's not the case, and the broadbrush with a suggestion that "teens aren't lazy" just seems crazy - of course "some" teens are lazy, in much the same way as "some" are hardworking, "some" adults are ambitious, or "some" dogs bite...   I'm glad to see others giving their own experiences too! 

I'm with EH

ohdearhowdidthathappen

ladyholly said:

I would tell her no resits then she has to get a job and pay something towards her keep. If she does neither then dont do anything for her and keep her food to the most basic (even I am not mean enough to starve her). No new clothes, make up, outings etc. There is no reason for her to be sponging off you. She is an adult and must learn to be an adult if she wants to be a child then treat her aa naughty one who has lost all her privileges.

Definitely, that's the route we're taking.... originally (before she got the apprenticeship) we'd said she could take a year to work/travel etc rent free and we'll stick to that... benefit of the doubt kind of thing.  But that's it, she'll have to have a plan or start paying her way.  During her 'gap year' we won't charge rent, but she'll have to cover all her expenses.  She's savvy, before her results she had her hair done (£40), hygienist (£60) etc as she knows the free pass stops 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

MalMonroe said:

ohdearhowdidthathappen said:

Will start from August payday, this month is hammering us.  We had a break away and usual summer hol expenses.

DD got rubbish (for her) grades in her A-levels, which is unsurprising as she did NO work.  She's lost the lucrative apprenticeship that she had in place because of her grades.  Bit of an unpleasant life lesson for her, companies don't pander to lazy teens.  Who knew? 
She needs to resit 2 of them and then start looking again.  Extremely frustrating.  

My daughter was (still is) particularly bright and if she had received rubbish grades in her A Levels (for which she worked very hard) she would have been devastated. However,her friend (who wanted to be a doctor) was harassed so much by her parents that she did very little work for her A Levels and didn't receive the high grades she needed to study medicine.  

I honestly do not think that teens are 'lazy'. Why didn't your daughter do the work? Were you able to have discussions with her while she was meant to be studying? I ask because it could be that she may have been, or may still be ill (depression for example is common). Your daughter might not want to go into higher education or an apprenticeship but doesn't know how to broach this discussion with you so deliberately didn't try. She could be a person who needs lots of encouragement too but I certainly think it would be worth your while sitting down with her and asking her exactly how she feels, what she wants in the future and letting her know that she has your full support, whatever she would like to do. It is frustrating I do agree but I imagine that her true feelings are actually of horror, knowing that she has ability but has not done as well as she could have done. 

There are many alternative training courses and your daughter may be able to apply for one of those. But maybe she hasn't told you yet what she'd really like to do. While she's sorting things out, she could perhaps take on a part time job in a shop or cafe or something, that's what my daughter did in the time between leaving school and starting uni. It gave her a sense of being useful and also, of course, the wage was nice although not very large.

I love your optimism, but some teens are lazy.  My DD is very bright but literally feels she deserves everything served up to her on a silver platter... she is lazy and entitled. 
We didn't harrass her at all  . 
We let her give up her part time job (only 8 hours per week) to enable study and subsidised her the wage.  She used the time to socialise more.
On an average day during 'study leave'... she'd get up at 11am, have an hour long shower and then have lunch around 1pm.  Then she'd spend an hour getting ready and go out with her friends/boyfriend at about 2.30/3pm and get home around 2am. 
That's how we knew she wasn't revising and why we weren't expecting particularly high grades.  Any polite suggestions that she may want to adjust her body clock/social life to allow time for revision was met with a tirade of abuse.
I'm sure somewhere along the line we're to blame, even if just partially.  DH and I are both inherent people pleasers and it doesn't always do us any favours.
We've said to her in the past we don't mind what she does as long as she's happy, there was no pressure from us to go onto higher education etc as long as she has a plan.  She could aim for any career as far as we're concerned and we'd support her in it.  She sneers at low paid jobs, thinks I'm a mug for working in healthcare for instance.  
But she's not willing to put the hours in...  she wants a high paid job, without the workload.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

ladyholly said:

MalMonroe said:

I honestly do not think that teens are 'lazy'.  

I would disagree. Some teens are lazy. My DD was quite capable of getting good grades but she has admitted to me that she couldnt be bothered and couldnt see the point. She is now in her 40s and still has no ambition but is happy with her life and I cannot ask for more. She has two amazing daughters - one is like her and the other has been to uni and has a decent job.

Agreed.  My brother and DHs brother are the same.. they have no motivation and plod through life.  Each to their own... as long as noone has to subsidise their life choices.
I can never work out where the differences are... I'd like to think all of our 5 have been brought up the same, but they're all so different!  

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Drawingaline said:

ladyholly said:

MalMonroe said:

I honestly do not think that teens are 'lazy'.  

I would disagree. Some teens are lazy. My DD was quite capable of getting good grades but she has admitted to me that she couldnt be bothered and couldnt see the point. She is now in her 40s and still has no ambition but is happy with her life and I cannot ask for more. She has two amazing daughters - one is like her and the other has been to uni and has a decent job.

My son is incredibly lazy. However he finally started to pick his grades up around Easter as his course started to interest him more. My daughter works incredibly hard and did amazingly in her A levels and is into her first choice of uni. 

I hope your daughter begins to realise what she may have thrown away. Or she may just be on her way just taking a different path. My brother has taken a roundabout route, but seems happy enough. Although I know my parents still worry about him a lot and he turns 40 next year!

I think that's the key, they have to have something that interests them.  Congrats to your daughter, that's amazing news  
I think when she's older (maturer?) she'll realise, but at the moment she's not bothered.  
I didn't do great in my A-levels and eventually went back to education at 25, after doing an access course.... but I worked bloody hard in the interim in the workplace and once I went back to uni I've worked bloody hard since.  She needs to learn that there's a difference between deciding on a direction and dossing. 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

EssexHebridean said:

MalMonroe - have you read through OhSh's diary? I assume not or you'd have some background about the way their daughter has been with them for the last few years - genuinely, if OhSh says they've been supportive of her, I see no reason to infer that's not the case, and the broadbrush with a suggestion that "teens aren't lazy" just seems crazy - of course "some" teens are lazy, in much the same way as "some" are hardworking, "some" adults are ambitious, or "some" dogs bite...   I'm glad to see others giving their own experiences too! 

Thanks EH, I can honestly say my conscience is clear... we gave her every support possible.  We let her give up her part time job and subsidised her wages so she could study.  We both knew she wouldn't actually study, but did it so she couldn't blame us 'you made me work and that's why I got bad grades'.  DH said it was a very expensive moral high ground but we genuinely don't regret it.  

ohdearhowdidthathappen

savingholmes said:

EssexHebridean said:

MalMonroe - have you read through OhSh's diary? I assume not or you'd have some background about the way their daughter has been with them for the last few years - genuinely, if OhSh says they've been supportive of her, I see no reason to infer that's not the case, and the broadbrush with a suggestion that "teens aren't lazy" just seems crazy - of course "some" teens are lazy, in much the same way as "some" are hardworking, "some" adults are ambitious, or "some" dogs bite...   I'm glad to see others giving their own experiences too! 

I'm with EH

Thanks SH