*sigh* this may take a while

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Cranky - I'm tempted!  So ungrateful 

DAL - your DD sounds much more sensible than mine.  She also moans at me about the fact none of the grandparents contribute anything and apparently that's my fault too as I've had too many children!!!  DH has said we should add up what we're willing to contribute across the categories and tell her she can choose to prioritise where it goes.  In theory, I like it.  In reality, we think she'd spend it on 1 or 2 categories and then start up the whining and insults on the remaining stuff 

ladyholly

Do you charge your dd any rent as she has a job? If not explain to her the realities of life and tell her you dont care what "everyone elses parent do or dont do" .  This is what you do and until she leaves home tough. If she does pay rent tell her that to pay for what she wants her rent will be doubled.
Sorry I am a hard b*****.  Ask my 44year old daughter.

Drawingaline

Then you'll have to be broken record on it.

I am so glad my girl is how she is. I was very similar as a teen, funded two international trips with paper round money (alongside parents and grandparents contribution, but saving £300 from maybe £10 a week was hard work! I used to do extra rounds if people didn't turn up and earned tips because I did the sheltered housing and would chat to all the old people.

My boy is much more like his dad, but even then there is no entitledness. Hubby grew up with very little extra money, his mum worked very very hard and the work ethic was passed down. Hubby has been rubbish with money in the past and still isn't great now, but he is better. 

My grandad helped me at uni and I am sure my dad will help my daughter. However it isn't expected. 

It's funny how some kids grow up one way and others another. Even within the same family, outside influence can really impact alongside nature!

I know I am much tougher on my kids over money than other parents. But I want them to have the grounding to help them through life. I can't control them, and they may get into debt trouble etc, but I know I have done everything I can at a young age to guide them into better choices. 

Your girl seemed to have turned a corner with the job and is having a bit of a backslide again. Maybe once she settles on what to do post year 13 it may ease up a bit. 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

ladyholly said:

Do you charge your dd any rent as she has a job? If not explain to her the realities of life and tell her you dont care what "everyone elses parent do or dont do" .  This is what you do and until she leaves home tough. If she does pay rent tell her that to pay for what she wants her rent will be doubled.
Sorry I am a hard b*****.  Ask my 44year old daughter.

She's doing Alevels, but earns about £350 a month from her weekend job.  She's taking a gap year after her exams and we've said we won't charge rent on the understanding she's saving, travelling, getting work experience, whatever she wants as long as she's not just sat on her !!!!!!.
We do need to be more firm with her demands, unfortunately both DH and I are both people pleasers and it's bitten us with DD as she's spotted the weakness!

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Thanks DAL... both DH and I work hard and don't expect handouts.  We're not good savers though (obviously from this diary ).

DH grew up in a single parent household and there wasn't much spare money. That means he's often keen to provide for our kids what his mum struggled with, but he also hates entitlement as he knows not all kids are as lucky as ours financially.

My parents had more and my Dad earned a lot until I was in my late 20s, but they were not good with it and always overstretched (self cert mortgages and lots of credit) leaving them bankrupt at one point in their late 50s.  It was really sad to see it all unravel around them and them being left with nothing. 
It's one of the reasons I've always been keen to keep working so the burden of earning is not all on DH like it was for my Dad, but I get annoyed with myself that I'm not better at saving as I'd like a nice pot of money that could help us if DH lost his job for some reason. 
That's how my parents got in a pickle... Dad lost his job and they had no savings, within a month they were in massive trouble.

lucielle

Mine (4 of them) got no more than £100 spent on their 18 th birthdays. I did help with driving lessons and said I’d pay for 1 theory and 1 test. They all bought their own cars and paid their own insurance. We did help a bit with a loan but we knew they were getting some inheritance at 18 so could pay us back. 

L

Honeysucklelou2

It is tricky when you have a large family as the younger siblings are watching. Over the  years it’s worked out with mine that when they are 16 they have a laptop for their birthday. It’s not a massively expensive one but ensures that they are able to study without waiting for the family laptop to be available. With driving lessons, my parents have paid for the first 10 and I’ve paid for the rest. I’m conscious that we are very rural and that to have any degree of independence they will need to drive. I also pay for their insurance until they are earning in a full time job. So far this has worked out well. The younger ones know the pattern.  Does your DD ever do a grocery shop with you? I found that any moaning about money stopped when being taken round the supermarket, particularly if you stop and say this is £x worth. It certainly gave DS1 a shock !

ladyholly

Is she actually saving? I do think that she needs to see your budget to understand how much things cost compared with how much you earn bearing in mind that you have to provide similar in the future for your other children. Explain what inflation is and how it will impact on your budget. Tell her that you are treating her as an adult so that she can see money doesn't grow on trees and try to develop a more hard hearted attitude to wanting to please her. Teenagers can be tough but be assured most of them turn out OK. 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

lucielle said:

Mine (4 of them) got no more than £100 spent on their 18 th birthdays. I did help with driving lessons and said I’d pay for 1 theory and 1 test. They all bought their own cars and paid their own insurance. We did help a bit with a loan but we knew they were getting some inheritance at 18 so could pay us back. 

L

Sounds good   We're not unwilling to help, it's the wanting of all the things that is wearing

enthusiasticsaver

CRANKY40 said:

ohdearhowdidthathappen said:

 I was very calm and she literally just laughed at me and said I was pathetic expecting my child to cover my shortcomings in being able to provide!  I was fuming!

That statement alone would have reduced my parental contribution to zero.  

I agree.  This entitled attitude is horrendous.