*sigh* this may take a while

Drawingaline

The old style grants were means tested too, but they didn't have to be paid back. And accommodation wasn't so expensive. My grant was like £500 a term but accommodation was £40 a month. 

Rough calculations show a 5K deduction in her maintenance loan. Annoyingly the uni she has set her heart on has ridiculously high accommodation costs (and outside London). Like a 2.5k deficit we will need to plug. I am not counting this, we are lucky to have grandparents who will probably cover this. 

My girl currently has 2k saved and atm is earning approximately £700 a month, this will drop as she gets closer to exam time, but she will be able to really up the hours once exams are out of the way. 

It's difficult for all uni students right now I think. I am glad my girl has the drive and desire to work right now. 

Drawingaline

What does your daughter do for money atm? Do you give her an allowance?

vixx_123

When did this parental contribution towards uni kick in? I graduated 11 years ago and covered everything with loans (which is deducted from my pay so I see it like a tax).

Drawingaline

vixx_123 said:

When did this parental contribution towards uni kick in? I graduated 11 years ago and covered everything with loans (which is deducted from my pay so I see it like a tax).

Always been the case, even back in the days of grants. I got a full grant as my mum was studying at uni the same time as me. One of my friends didn't qualify for a grant at all, her dad gave her £45 a week to love on. 

But there is no obligation to actually pay anything even though it is deducted from the loan. It is just 'expected' and with accommodation cost skyrocketing it seems that a lot of people have a large deficit.

ladyholly

If I may be brutally honest, I would tell her how much you are able to afford to contribute. If that is not enough she has four choices.

1 Defer for a year and get a job and save.

2 Stay at home and live under your rules and also contribute to her keep during the holidays ( unless she is expcted to take a work placement) by getting a job.

3 Get a job now and save some money towards her time at uni.

4 Give up the idea of uni and go for an aprenticeship.

I think this is a case where you may have to be cruel to be kind as one day she will have to join the real world and the sooner the better or she may end up in financial trouble and will expect you to bail her out.

My grandaughters have both at times told me something isnt fair to which my reply is always the same. Who told you that life is fair it isnt so get on with it.

Sorry to butt in your diary.

savingholmes

Good luck whatever you decide. I don't mean for my comments to be additional peer pressure - just to kind of tell my story... and you do with what you see fit.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

DAL - your daughter sounds like a real trooper who is willing to work hard to get where she wants. 
DD doesn't get an allowance, we stopped it last summer after her GCSEs, thinking it would make her get a job.  She lives off money she's saved; Christmas money, Birthday money, money she got for doing well in her GCSEs etc.  We buy her clothes (what she needs) and pay for her phone.

Vixx - hi  I'm not sure really, have only looked into over the last couple of years as my children started getting older

Ladyholly - not butting in at all, like hearing others' viewpoints Yes, I think we'll end up going down that route. 

She says things like 'well, you chose to have 5 kids, not my fault if you can't afford to fund them properly' or 'you're so lazy, just work full time like Dad and then you wouldn't be such a tight cow' etc etc.  Honestly, she's so rude.  I then go absolutely mad at her, tell her she's ungrateful and disrespectful or whatever and then it's 'wow, excellent parenting, shouting at your children for daring to have an opinion' and so on.  
I find it really hurtful tbh, we work really hard and I think we do a good job at providing for them all 
DH told her after her last rant that next year at 18, if she wasn't happy, she was welcome to move out.  Now she's told her friends that we've threatened to make her homeless  I heard that back from one of the mums who is a friend, she was just like 'she's lucky you haven't already, cheeky mare'.

sarahsays

I get how frustrating it can be to have an entitled teen, as I've had experience of this myself - but you've got to remember that you are the adult and not to get drawn in to any arguments. I think it's important to find out what is going on in her life to make her feel like this and to show love and support at all times. Sometimes those who are the loudest and most aggressive are also the most vulnerable underneath it all. Saying that she is welcome to move out if she's not happy does sound like a veiled threat and is going to make her feel vulnerable, unsupported and even, perhaps, unloved. Leaving her with no allowance since last summer, especially if the other children are still getting one, sounds unfair, no matter what her behaviour. Her inability to apply for a job may be down to extreme shyness or awkwardness over that whole process which she doesn't want to admit, as she sees it as a weakness, and so she may cover it up with aggressive behaviour. Everyone is ready for part-time employment at different times in their lives - one of mine was 16, the other 19 - I tried to encourage them without pushing them.

Regarding funding for University - if you don't pay the £500 per month loan deficit, she will immediately be at a disadvantage from her peers. We started saving for ours the minute they started school, so they could have, not only the necessary funding for University but also a surplus so they wouldn't have to turn down every night out or worry over whether they could afford to get a pizza - having had to work myself through University, with no parental help, I knew what this felt like, and didn't want it for my own. In reality, you should start to budget for paying at least £500 a month for your children to attend University for the next 16 years, if that's what it's going to take, and it also sounds like your budget can handle it. Basic accommodation costs and £25 for food is going to make her University life miserable - I'm sure that's not what you want for her. Think about what you would do for your sweetest natured best behaved child and then do that for your daughter, even if she throws it back in your face. No one, on their deathbed, regrets being too generous.

You have one year to reconnect with your daughter, to make sure that, when she leaves home, she wants to come back and stay a part of your family, one year to give her all the unconditional love and support you can, no matter how hard she makes that, one year to get to the bottom of what may be troubling her-  please take the opportunity to make it the best year of her life.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Thanks Sarah, I do get some of what you're saying, but I also disagree with some.  I appreciate your honesty though and you sound a much more patient parent than me.
I don't think it sets a good precedent that she can strop around calling me names, swearing at us, telling us we're lazy etc and just get away with it.  What message does that send to our others?  Basic politeness is the minimum I expect and it's not something I'll budge on.
She's not shy or awkward, she's truly just lazy and thinks her downtime is worth more to her than the small amount she could earn. 
The allowance will stop for all of them after their GCSEs, there's no favouritism.

However, the uni thing has been naiveness on our part, we genuinely didn't even think about it and that is our error.  I'm impressed you were so organised, talking to my friends about it, many having savings accounts etc for their children or have grandparents who have set up funds etc.  Most of them only have 2 children which has helped with that, I think (plus they're obviously more organised than me!).
£500pm is a lot and for many of those 16 years, there'll be overlaps, so £1k a month.  We need to be careful with what we start as we still have a large mortgage and smaller children.  I have every intention of increasing my hours in a few years as mentioned above, but my youngest 2 children are still primary age and it's not something I'll be doing in the next few years.  I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to contribute.

The one year to reconnect is true and hopefully something we can do, but I think it will be easier said than done.  

Drawingaline

I told my girl what we can afford and not to worry to much as we will make it work, but I absolutely will not deprive my other children in order for her to have the privilege of uni. Especially as she is willing and able to work and save for herself. We cannot afford to out four children through uni (it's highly likely two won't go that way, but who knows) and we have never been in a position to save for uni costs, it's only been the last year they we have had a much higher income.

Good luck with it all.