Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my partner about my savings?

WoollyMan

I think it's important to separate two things:

1. having separate funds with full control over them
2. keeping said funds secret.

I can understand the first, but the second doesn't sit well with me.

Personally I would find it very hard to discover that my OH had wanted to hide money from me, and I wouldn't consider doing it either. But if she did want her own funds, I would want her to talk to me about it.

Clearly different couples deal with these things very differently. We have never had his and hers money - it's always been ours from day 1, with complete openness about all income and all spending. Earned money is ours, inherited money is ours, expenditure is ours, constraint and profligacy are ours and consensual. Perhaps that therefore makes me more sensitive to the idea of hiding money than others might be, which for me feels deceitful.

REJP

You say you share finances equally.
Did you have the savings before you met your partner, or have you saved from your half of the shared finances?
Either way, they are your savings and your business as to who knows about them. How do you know if your partner has secret savings or not?
It seems to me that if you have to ask this question you do not have trust in your partner. Equally, he or she may have savings and not trust you.
In my own case, I saved as much as I could afford to when married, and my wife knew all about the savings. We always shared financial information, which proved invaluable when she passed away after a long illness, as I had all information to hand for dealing with her bank accounts, which could have been difficult if she had a secret account.
All comes down to love and trust. Just a thought, if nobody knows about your secret savings, do they go to the Treasury when you die? Or have you made a Will giving them to your partner or charity etc? Think about it.

Revengant

No, don't tell them until you're married. Then it'll be a nice surprise!

74jax

I couldn't tell you how much my hubby has stashed away - I couldn't even tell you what he earns...


He also doesn't know what I have saved, although I did get a payrise not long ago and he will know my salary as I was thrilled with the increase so showed him my letter etc. (though he's probably forgot).


We have 1 joint account and all bills are paid from that, whatever else he has left over in his own accounts and spends/saves I'm not interested in.


However with us, it's more a case of we've never said it in conversation than actually HIDING how much we save.

tain

marliepanda wrote: »

Up to you. Not a moral dilemma. Do what you want.

Absurd that you felt that this was in some way the debate they were after :rotfl:

tain

The fact you're considering it is precisely why you should probably keep it a secret.

I've had exes who I wouldn't dream of telling them my inner financial dealings - it was very dependent on the person, what I felt they would do with the information, and any doubts I had about the relationship.

Fast forward to how I am with my wife, and I didn't even pause when telling her every tiny aspect of my spending. I even tell her when I get drunk and spend stupid amounts on beer and cabs home when I was meant to be saving.

Horses for courses. Especially as you're not married, and I'm going to assume you don't have kids.

Augustus_the_Strong

How long have you been together? You're not married. Do you know you can trust your partner?
If you are still putting money into this secret account while pretending you are splitting everything evenly, that would be an issue. But if it's money you had stashed away before you took up together, that's your business.

[Deleted User]

Having worked in a bank for many years I can't tell you the number of women who had secret accounts and although some were saving privately for a big birthday surprise or similar the vast majority were escape funds.


For me most of this depends on age in that if you are both starting out from scratch and building a joint future together you probably haven't much to hide.


If like me you are older and met someone I wouldn't declare my assets. I have a second property that no-one need know about and a good pension on the way so although I may disclose more about income my assets would be private. This is primarily if the relationship then went to pot I don't have time on my side to make things up.

leeparsons

Well, what happens if she or he is useless with money? A spendthrift? Someone, who doesn't know when to keep the rains tight? Would, could you even trust her or he? Would it not be justified then?

JayD

Having personal savings put by is a very good thing as it provides the security of knowing that, should you ever needed to be financially independent, then you could be (for whatever reason).

It is always wise to have a disaster fund put aside too - and maybe only one of those in a relationship is responsible enough - or financially able - to build one.

However, whether or not you tell your partner about it is a very personal decision. I have no information about your relationship at all to even being to answer that question. I can only advise that, if it is making you feel guilty and unhappy, then of course you should tell them. It doesn't mean that you are giving them access to it.