Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my partner about my savings?

mrstick

I think that it's fine to have a little off to the side that you don't mention.
If you ever get into a situation where you are having money issues though, don't keep it hidden while you are struggling.

Txacoli

This thread prompted me to join the forum after several years of receiving Martin’s emails. This has just happened to a very good friend of mine and it caused the final breakdown of his relationship. His partner earns more than he does. He found out recently that she had been squirrelling money away for years in another account which she said was solely for her. Sure, they were having troubles but were working through this, but this left him feeling betrayed. It wasn’t the money being put aside, but the fact that she told him that she would never share this pot with him. She earned more than him and therefore it was hers. It meant the relationship would never be on an equal footing and he felt really uncomfortable with this, so much so that he felt this inequality was the death knell and he ended the relationship.
I make no judgement about either of their actions but felt it was worth mentioning because it set me wondering how I would feel if my hubby suddenly informed me he had several thousands put away that I couldn’t touch because he earned more than me. Surely relationships and marriages shouldn’t have these kind of secrets and if they do, there may be something fundamentally wrong in the first place?

AcerBen

I think if you were married or planning on getting married, I'd say yes, definitely.

If you've any doubts about the relationship then maybe not.

But Txacoli makes a good point.

consumers_revenge

Always have a backup. Its piece of mind for when things go wrong and wont get devoted to 'the kids need a holiday' etc but for when your roof falls in!

JillieA

I would not generally advocate being secretive or sneaky with a spouse/partner in a good relationship. However, it depends very heavily on what kind of a relationship you have and of how long standing. You may share things 50-50 but that doesn't automatically mean you have the same principles, the same attitude to each other, or the same level of commitment. (That's not meant as an insult, but we who are commenting don't know either of you. If you've only been together a couple of years, you probably still have the rose-tinted specs on - we've all been there, and if we're lucky (like me) when they come off the view is the same, but sadly that isn't always the case.)
I think you have to bear in mind that you can never 'un-tell' your partner about the savings, so before revealing that information think very, very carefully about their attitude to life and money compared with your own and if unsure, don't tell.

tonycave

Sharing household bills and incomes as part of a relationship is fine but your personal savings are yours.
If either of you were to inherit money ,the other would not expect to share in the other's inheritance ,neither should they have an expectation to share in your personal savings.
Do not tell.

Couldsavemore

Why would you want to keep it secret?

I had one when I decided to leave my now ex husband..

But you could be planning a great suprise... holiday in Maldives for you both?

frugalwin

Couldsavemore wrote: »

But you could be planning a great suprise... holiday in Maldives for you both?

This attitude is why you should consider keeping it to yourself until such a time that you feel comfortable actually sharing the money, for example if you have children or get married. The standard response most people have when faced with a significant sum of money is “How can I spend this in the most conspicuous way possible?”

These are the OPs life savings, they are not for a damn holiday!

maxthegsd

I don't believe you have any obligation to do so...my partner and I have a mortgage together and whilst I am very forthcoming about my finances, he isn't (which drives me mad), and I respect his decision. Our joint account is transparent, but our personal accounts are private, as they should be! I cannot comment on marriage or other matters which could change this viewpoint, but my advice would be to follow your instincts. All the best x

gloriouslyhappy

dawyldthing wrote: »

No I don’t think you should say owt. If you have say a joint account where you both give yourselves say £200 a month to do what the heck you want and he’s peed it in the pub whereas you’ve just gone once a month then why can’t you have it stashed away?

Exactly! We split the bills and pay ourselves a small amount of personal money each month, which is ours to do with as we like. I'm more of a saver while he's more of a spender, so I'm building up a nice balance in my personal savings account. He knows I've got one but would never ask how much is in there, nor would I volunteer. We have a joint savings account for things like the car insurance, MOT etc, but should we have an emergency which the joint savings account couldn't cover, I would chip in from my personal savings. Until that happens however (please please never!), my money is my money.