Can't Sleep .....................

Dumb_Blonde_3

Can't sleep and for once its nothing to do with money/debts keeping me awake.

I need to get this off my chest to someone/anyone.

I have an adorable 2 yr 2 month old son and last Tuesday he started pre-school for half a morning - I left him and he was fine (about 90 minutes) then I went back to get him. (I only ever usually leave him at the creche at the gym for a max of an hour and then we go swimming after.)

I'm making loads of typo's here as hands are really shaking. Please read on if you will.

Anyway on Friday his second day there they said as he was fine on Tuesday to leave him for the full 3 hours and to call at 11am to see if he is okay - this I did and was told 'yes he is fine - he is outside on a bike at the moment having fun'. Then when I got there to pick him up at 12.15 - he was sitting on a workers lap clearly visably upset - I was told he was like this since 11.45 - 30 minutes - there 'policy' is to call if upset for more than 15 minutes so why wasn't I called ?!?!?! I tried to find out what was wrong but no-one seemed to know or care. My son is a great little boy and forward in most things but not his speech - some kids are chattering away at this age and some aren't - he can say around 20 or so words so he couldn't really tell me what was wrong and I hadn't been there to witness this. So I left there feeling pretty awful. Yet all the time trying to put on a posative spin on things - like saying 'did you play with toys? - 'yeeessss' he would say and did you have a good time - yeesssss' etc.

Today I dropped him off again all the while on the way there telling him that he would be playing 'toys' and doing drawing and painting etc (damm hands won't stop shaking - I think I need a drink to calm my nerves but I think we are out). So today I dropped him off at 9.15 and then went along to wine bar my sister works in to have a coffee and then got home around 10.15 and my husband (working from home today) said I'd left my phone there and that the pre-school had called and said can they use his asthma inhaller on him as he is wheezing a bit ................ cue alarm bells - why the hell - he hasn't used it since his last bad cold ............. so I called back and apparently it turns out he was a little upset when I left - that was like an hour before so I said that I would go along and just stay for the rest of the time and observe and see that he's okay - 'oh no mum that would be taking a backward step - he needs to learn to settle in' - f*** me I felt like saying he's my child but they just have that way .............. anyway spoke to sh!thead of a husband who says most children cry when you leave them etc ............ MOST CHILDREN - MOST CHILDREN ............ we aren't talking about most children we are talking about our little man here who is only 2 and still very much a baby - he still only have the little tuft of hair he was born with .... so I went down there are 11.15 to see what was going on and he was indeed sitting on some workers lap his bottom lip was totally upturend and he was clearly upset and that was before he saw me - the minute he did see me the floodgates opened for us both I may just add .................. what sort of awful person am I doing this to him ?!?!!? oh and people can say 'its good for them to mix with other kids' (like husband - at this rate soon to be ex) but the thing is he used to before this - I took him to clubs and groups most mornings and that was with kids his own age - some of the kids are real pre-schoolers nearing on 5 years old - also the rate of adults to little ones is 1 adult to 6 children.

Originally I put him into pre-school as some of his other little buddies were going - but all to different ones on different days and also I was going to get a 2 day a week job - with husband and mum looking after him in the afternoons - but its not so easy to find a job that just wants someone 2 days a week - I'd be better off in a pub/bar doing evening shifts and that way I wouldn't be missing out on any time with my son.

My heart tells me to pull him out and he can rejoin once his speech comes on and he is a bit older like maybe 3 or something - as it is I'm having to put him back into nappies (99% toilet trained) because how do they know that when he gets between his legs and goes 'SSSHHHHHHH' it means he would like a wee now please - the staff are all over the place - so I'm going backwards there. I just don't want to scare him - I mean I can still take him to all those other clubs and groups so he would still 'socialise'

I'm sorry to post in this forum - i know that there is always kind folk on here and thats what I need right now - I've been up since 5.30am and haven't eaten anything since the 2 slices of toast at 7am as have been feeling really sick all day due to whats going on in my head ............ I read a book from about 8pm until 11 ish when really tired but the minute I turn off the light - its back there going round and round in my head.

Please help!

cool_pinkie

Hi there,

Hope your feeling a little better. I haven't been in the situation but i'd say it's probably best to follow your instincts. Like you say he can always start a nursery next year when he might happier to be left on his own.

Or maybe the nursery isn't the one best suited to his needs, if you could try a different one. Sounds to me like their not putting much effort in to help in settle in.

Nitex

Rach75_3

Well it is true, lots of children cry when being left at day care. I do know exactly how you feel, how it's so heartbreaking to leave them and then to come back to them crying. What are the carers like? Do you trust them?
What about leaving him for an hour or so and staying for that time for the first few weeks until he gets more settled. I have learnt with my son that the longer it takes me to leave and the more fuss I make the worse her gets. Now I just give a quick kiss and say, "goodbye, mummy will be back soon" and leave, and he is just starting to not cry so much. But it is so hard, especially when they can't tell you what is going on, because then you start to worry about what else could be causing it.

Take care,
Rachel.

Snaggles

First of all ((((hugs)))), you are obviously really upset.

What I would ask myself is - is my son in any danger here? Am I happy that this this a good nursery?

Nurseries often have to deal with children suffering from separation anxiety, so may not have seen anything particularly unusual in your sons behaviour.

What i would be maybe tempted to do is ask WHY they didn't call you after 15 minutes, as per their policy. Explain your concerns to them (put it in writing if it's easier), and ask that they follow the policy in future.

I don't think you necessarily need to take him out until his speech improves - if you can get him settled and happy, that will probably help his speech along a bit.

Only you know how you feel about this nursery, and whether it is suitable for your son, but unless you feel your son is excessively disturbed by being left there, or is in danger, it might be worth sticking with it a bit longer. Could you gradually build up the length of time he is there for? The more often you leave and then come back, the more he will trust that you WILL come back.

You are not alone in feeling like this, I felt appalling when I first left my son - we're their Mums - that's how we're supposed to feel. At the end of the day, you must do what you think is best for him, but do think it through first and make sure it IS the right thing, and not just a panic, knee jerk reaction because you are feeling guilty that you left him and he got upset.

I really do feel for you, these first tiny steps into independance are so hard.

I hope none of this sounds judgemental, it isn't meant to be, I just want to try and reassure you a bit that things might not be as bad as they at first seem.

mumzyof2

(((((HUGS))))))
Huni i know to a extent what you are going through. My daughter who is only 21months just turned..goes to nursery 8am-5.30pm every friday and she crys as soon as she gets to the gate. I have no choice but to leave her there and let her cry it out but god i feel so awful for leaving her like that. Also he brother goes on a friday too for same time and they play together but she still crys. I think the nursery is pretty crap and i wouldnt let my children stay in a nursery like that. I would write a letter of complaint to them, tell them how you are feeling and say you are so far from happy about the way you and your child have been treated, talk to other mums that take there children there and see what they say..if you dont get any satisfaction i would take it higher. Also i wish you the best of luck with your husband as you said soon to be ex
If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me and we can have a chat im up till 3am lol

Dumb_Blonde_3

Thats the thing - I really chat away to him as we are waiting outside for the doors to open and say all things like 'are you going to draw me a picture' or play with the cars etc etc etc. and he is like 'yeesssssss' and he seems really fine about it - its not like he is crying when I am there or as I leave - he has seemed fine on all 3 occasions which is why today was a real shock - I think that he is just a bit too young for it at the moment - I've give it another last go on friday just for an hour or so - if still no good then I'll try again when he is a bit older and with another nursery. In answer to your question Rachel - I don't trust them - I don't feel like the carers are making any such effort with him.

My husband is going to go through the roof when I tell him - oh well thats just going to be tough.

Right I really had better get my stomach rumbling, hand shaking, frozen cold footed body back into bed - my lord and master will require me in about four and half hours and I feel like crap now - what will I feel like then ?!!?!?!

Dumb_Blonde_3

I think after reading the other posts that have crossed over - maybe I had better not make any such decisions tonight

Snaggles

If you don't trust them, then that to me answers the question. Leaving your child is hard, upsetting, gut-wrenching, guilt inducing...etc...so it has to be with someone you can trust.

Are there any other nurseries nearby that you could go an look around? He doesn't sound as though he is scared of going to nursery from what you say, but if they are not able to give him the care he needs, it might be worth looking elsewhere to see if there is somewhere you would feel more comfortable with.

Take care hun and try and get some sleep xxx

dianna8106

hi
dumb blonde i have experienced exactly wat ure going thry with my little girl
its broke my hheart when i picked her up and she was so subdued not the daughter that i no at all
also i felt if the staff at my nursery were bending the truth so early in "our relationship" it didnt bode well
i cancelled the contract and pulled her out i havent regretted it
ask ure heart u no da answer

Tao81

Just a thought Dumb blonde (Oh! I feel so naughty for having to address you that way! ) but what about using a childminder?
I did until my child was 3yrs old. Your son may feel happier in a more familiar family style setting. Nurseries must be a really scarey place for little people who are not used to it! Socialising with Mummy is very different from being left in a 'big' environment with lots of strangers with Mum nowhere to be seen, at least in a childminders care he might forget and not notice that you are not there for the time you are away.

I found that once my DD had settled (only after a couple of days) she always seemed completely non-plus about the fact that I was dropping her off and leaving her, it was when I reappeared to pick her up that all hell would break lose and she would cry her little heart out, this used to upset me and left me scratching my head over why she was so upset on seeing me.....Until the childminder was kind enough to explain that with separation anxiety the child forgets you have not been there until the moment they see you again and it's then they realise you have left them for a while and they then cry about it!!

Good Luck with your decision and lots of love to your little happy chappy. xx

FrugalJo

DB
I used to be a nursery nurse, and am a Mum

Is there anyway you can stay behind the scenes, where he can't see you ? Or even join in the activities for a while and then leave him for a few minutes, come back and so on.

More for your peace of mind than his. Also talk to the nursery manager or your childs key worker, ask everything you want to, any manager worth their salt will listen your concerns.

If you honestly don't want to put him - or yourself - through this yet then don't. Go with your gut feeling. Don't stress yourself out over it, kids are so intuitive and pick up on it.

The mad season is coming up and Nurseries are excitable loud places (I was scared at 35 sometimes !)

I 've had a new children that stick to me like glue for the first week and then suddenly they are off. As Tao says I've had little ones that literally scream the house down when Mum drops them off, soon as Mum is out of sight they are happily into with the play-dough, not a care in the world.

Hugs to you.