How to make someone realise being the wrong relationship is worse than being alone?

whattodo7

My dad has been in a relationship with a woman for three years. He split up with my mum in the 90s and since then has never had a serious relationship.

This woman has never worked, and doesn’t have any assets. She currently lives in a house with her daughter in her late 20s who has a mild learning disability. The house is paid for from the benefits the daughter receives. However, the daughter has been in a relationship for a few years and wants to move in with this boyfriend. This means my dads girlfriend will lose her house. As a result she is constantly fighting with my dad to try and make him marry her or sell his house and get a house with her. She doesn’t want to move into my dads house due to it being his house for the last 35 years she says she will never feel like it’s “their house”.

My dad really doesn’t want to marry anyone again and he doesn’t want to sell his house, at least right now. He says he might one day but doesn’t want to say “in a years time” because a year may come round and he might not want to. However, his girlfriend is obviously feeling a lot of anxiety / panic due to her situation.

Aside from all this, I think part of the reason my dad doesn’t want to live with her is because she is so needy. She likes to be with him constantly and has to attend everything he does. She stopped him going on holiday with my sister. Another example of this behaviour is she arranged to go for a walk with her friend so my dad went to the park with my two sisters and grandchildren and when he told her what he had been up to she went completely berserk saying she would have cancelled her friend if she had known he was going to do that. I think my dad could feel a little suffocated if he lived with her.

I have concerns some of her behaviour is emotionlly abusive, such as the awful arguments and silent treatments over the house and marriage situation. My dad really just wants a quiet life. The problem is he feels it’s better to carry on like this (I would say it’s been happening on and off for two years) than be alone. He says people in couples have better outcomes than people alone.

z1a

Are you bothered about your Dad, or your inheritance?
He's an adult, his decision.

gettingtheresometime

Actually I think it's one of those rare occasions where I think the response may have been different had the person the OP was writing about was female.


It does sound as if the woman may be using your dad as abit of a cash cow but at the end of the day, he's a grown man and entitled to make his own decisions.


Have you dropped into conversation as to where she intends to live if she can't afford the house she's currently in?

elsien

When you say she stopped him from going on holiday with his sister, how precisely did she do that? He can say no. But for some people, being in a bad relationship isn't as bad as being alone. Maybe he's one of them.

Have you considered the possibility that he's stuck in the middle saying one thing to her and another to you because he doesn't want to spoil the relationship with either of you?

maman

If this has been going on for a couple of years then your dad probably knows how you feel. Hard though it may sound, I don't think there's a lot more you can do. Your dad certainly doesn't need any drama from you (not that I'm suggesting you would) as he seems to have more than enough from this woman.


Presumably he tells you about her controlling ways. Next time he tells you something adverse, choose your words carefully but try to reinforce that he's better off keeping some independence.


I have a BIL that rushed into marriage with a most unsuitable woman after he was widowed. All the family tried to tell him to take his time but he didn't listen. I think it was loneliness.

-taff

you've already posted about this before...
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5757173/dont-like-my-dads-partner


it doesn't matter what you think, or want. He's not on here posting about how to leave her, you are. If he wanted to, he would.

BrassicWoman

FOR YOU being alone would be better


FOR OTHER PEOPLE it's up to them!

whattodo7

When I said she stopped him going on holiday - she argued about it, then stopped speaking to him. He told my sister he couldn’t go because she was upset. He will do anything to keep the peace really. When I asked him to cycle coast to coast with me he looked like he might throw up, as he knew the reaction it would get. He told me his girlfriend wouldn’t like it.

Yes I know there is seemingly nothing I can do. At the moment things are terrible between them and it’s just awful to see, over and over and over again.

SuperPikachu

-taff wrote: »

you've already posted about this before...
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5757173/dont-like-my-dads-partner


it doesn't matter what you think, or want. He's not on here posting about how to leave her, you are. If he wanted to, he would.

I knew I recognized it.

PasturesNew

She won't let him go easily ... he's her easy rider ticket....

Your dad needs to get out of the relationship though; you could gather evidence that people in the WRONG relationship don't do better than those alone.

It sounds like he likes being looked after and the benefits that brings... but she was after a foot in the door for a lifetime free ride.

It won't be easy to get him out of that one as he can't see himself living what he sees as the alternative life... leaving her available to slide in by stealth and become "a fixed feature in his home" before you know it!

Think well, act fast... go in hard. Get him out...

chesky

-taff wrote: »

you've already posted about this before...
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5757173/dont-like-my-dads-partner


it doesn't matter what you think, or want. He's not on here posting about how to leave her, you are. If he wanted to, he would.

I THOUGHT it had a familiar ring.