How to make someone realise being the wrong relationship is worse than being alone?

Pollycat

How to make someone realise being the wrong relationship is worse than being alone?

You can't make someone do something if they don't want to.


And you really shouldn't be trying to.

FBaby

Your father wants companionship to ease the loneliness but without giving up his security.

She wants the commitment to get her out of her insecure life.

At some point, one is going to get what they want and the other not. Either your dad will give in because he values the companionship over his security or she'll start to look for a more promising offer from another man.

onomatopoeia99

FBaby wrote: »

Your father wants companionship to ease the loneliness but without giving up his security.

She wants the commitment to get her out of her insecure life.

At some point, one is going to get what they want and the other not. Either your dad will give in because he values the companionship over his security or she'll start to look for a more promising offer from another man.

I don't understand how anyone could look for a relationship on the basis of the other person providing them with greater security.



That such people exist is scary. She should take responsibility for herself and look after her own financial security, not expect to find someone to do that for her!

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

Your father wants companionship to ease the loneliness but without giving up his security.

She wants the commitment to get her out of her insecure life.

At some point, one is going to get what they want and the other not. Either your dad will give in because he values the companionship over his security or she'll start to look for a more promising offer from another man.

If the daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend and - if the OP is correct that her Dad's girlfriend will lose the house - that point may come pretty soon.

TBagpuss

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You know there is a line, but I do actually think it is better to be with the wrong person than be alone. A lot of people are hard to live with, no one is perfect, and she has her issues but she must give him good times as well for him to still want to be in the relationship.

[..]

Now some people do prefer to be alone, and that's fine too....but honestly if life hadn't turned out the way I'd wanted it to, I would rather have someone to go out to dinner with and care about me (even in their own way) then sit alone and have nothing to live for (or worse, imparing on the lives of others because I don't have one of my own) but then I do have some back bone and I would never put a man before my kids....but again, everyone is different.

I think it is a very individual choice, and also, it depends on your definition of 'the wrong person' - I agree with you up to a point - every relationship has ups and downs and no relationship, and no partner, is ever going to be perfect -

BUT that's a long way from 'any relationship is better than none' - I'd see the choice as 'is the relationship 'good enough'? does it make you (personally) happier than being alone? If so, then I'd argue that you are not necessarily in the wrong relationship, you're just not in your perfect, idyllic relationship.

Most people who are single are not going to "sit alone and have nothing to live for" - many (I would say most) single people manage to have plenty of things to live for, and manage to have positive and fulfilling relationships which don't involve living together, whether those relationships are friendships, family relationships or sexual relationships which don't end up in cohabitation.

And most single people are not imposing on other people or interfering in other people's lives. Anyone (single or part of a couple) who does that has a problem, but I don't think that it is related to whether or not they are single, I think it is down to the sort of person they are!

I find the idea that being in a bad relationship is better than being single to be quite bizarre, and I feel rather sorry for anyone whose life and self worth are so bound up with being in a couple that they can't conceive of being simultaneously single and content!

I know that there are a fairly large number of people who do feel that any relationship is better than being single. OP's father may be one of those. Or it may be that he just likes to vent so she hears more about the negatives than the positives of this particular relationship. Or that she pays more attention to those parts of what he says to her, because she would like this relationship to end.

OP, I would suggest that you don't try to persuade your dad o end the relationship. Clearly, he gets something out of it which is worth while to him.

Instead, I would focus on supporting him in the choices he makes. This might include reassuring him, when he talks to you about his partner wanting him to sell up, that it is perfectly reasonable for him to want to stay in his home of 35 years and that it is also OK for him to *not* want to move in together, whether in his home or elsewhere.

It sounds as though he is doing a pretty good job of managing his own affairs. His partner wants him to sell the house and buy one together, he's not agreeing. And that's OK.


And his partner may decide at some point, that if he isn't willing to shift, she will look elsewhere, and that is OK as well.
And if she gives him an ultimatum, he may decide he wants the relationship more than to stick to his guns about the house, and that is, ultimately, his choice to make.

If he asks you for your advice, you can suggest he sees a solicitor and thinks about thinks like a declaration of trust, cohabitation agreement or pre-nup, if he and his partner so ever decide to move in together. You could suggest that he think about whether he wants to look into having powers of attorney drawn up, so that if his health deteriorates, you (and your siblings, if any) are the ones making decisions for him.

But at the end of the day, it's his house and his life, and therefore his decision to make

NeilCr

As TBagpuss says in their excellent post you can be in a relationship and still live alone.

My partner and I live separately and have our own busy lives. We meet a couple of times a week and, as well, go out with friends, have overnights in London etc etc. We'd both been on our own for a considerable time before meeting and neither of us wanted to live permanently with someone again

There are the advantages (for us anyway) of being part of a couple (having someone to eat out with) while being able to maintain the way we were before meeting. Making your own decisions - doing our own thing at home - and more!

Stoke

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Sounds like your dad is stringing the poor woman along.

If he never wants to get married or live with someone again he should tell her straight so she can find somebody who wants the same things she does.

None of it is any of your business at all, and your attitude towards this woman is very judgemental. I wonder how you'd have managed raising a disabled child alone?

I think you're being kind of harsh. We only have a clipped down version of the story, and actually, you are being judgemental yourself... ironic.

Ultimately, her requests are unreasonable, in my opinion. Forget about all the emotional blackmail lark, ultimately, that's just personalities. My ex partner was similar. Do I feel happier alone? Not at all. I feel a lot worse. To expect him to sell his home is a huge request and not realistic. I think she needs to compromise and spend at least 6-12 months living in his home.

Yes, it won't be their home, but it will sure up any doubt that they can live together. Plus, it will reassure him that she's right for him. I understand that she feels he is not committing though.

How long have they been together?