Don't like my dad's partner

whattodo7

I should probably begin by saying, I appreciate my dad’s lovelife is none of my business and he is free to date whoever he chooses. I don’t wish to tell him what to do and that is why I have never expressed to him what I am about to write here. However, as his child it is difficult for me that I have formed a negative opinion about his girlfriend and I could therefore use a fresh outsider perspective.

My dad is a great guy, very laid back, physically active, sociable etc. He is in his early sixties and was fortunate enough to be able to retire early with a large lump sum to ensure he lives the rest of his life comfortably.

He’s been with his girlfriend for two years. Unlike my dad, who enjoys hiking and the outdoors, his girlfriend is obese and a smoker.

Prior to meeting my dad she has lived her life on benefits and has accrued debt. She gets carers allowance for her mildly disabled adult daughter. My dad pays for everything in the relationship, absolutely everything for both his girlfriend and daughter. They basically come as a package.

She likes to spend 24/7 with my dad, complaining of loneliness if he going fishing with his male friends for an afternoon.

They have recently been getting into blazing rows because she wants him to sell his house and buy a new house with her and her daughter. She has no assets herself to bring. My dad doesn’t want to move though. He has lived in his house for over 30 years and is happy there. He feels it would be better for them to live separately for the time being because he feels she should have a separate place for her daughter.

For the past year she has also been getting into blazing rows with him about getting married. She told him she is going to think of a deadline for when he needs to have proposed to her by. My dad does not want to get married though to anyone. However, things then all came to a head and I thought they were going to split but instead they have come to an agreement never to mention marriage or moving in together ever again. Can this work?

From my perspective, my dad so far has not really enjoyed his retirement. He is basically like a carer to his girlfriend doing menial tasks for her. I envisioned him spending his retirement travelling the world and doing expeditions.

ViolaLass

You got it in your first sentence, it's none of your business. Assuming you feel he is an adult of sound mind capable of looking after himself then there is nothing you can do.

enjoyyourshoes

Take your dad on an adventure, just you and him, you pay for it and see what happens?

Both have time to enjoy each others company, experience new things together and space to talk and have ambling conversations.

Ilona

Ok, my gut feeling and I'll be blunt, he needs to find another girlfriend. Life is too short to be having blazing rows when you are in your sixties. Retirement should be a time to relax and enjoy life. Is there a big age difference here? Does she see your dad as a meal ticket? I am an outdoorsy type and I could never tolerate someone smoking around me, coming into my life, demanding this and that. Oh no no , not ever.

Your dad should be able to do as he likes, and if that means without her, then so be it.

Ilona

macman

And the new house will be in joint names, will it? The phrase 'gold digger' does come to mind.
That would concern me far more than the smoking or obesity, which presumably does not bother your dad.

PasturesNew

I think it IS your business.
And I think he should get shot of her, which he thinks is right too.
He should keep the house he paid for and loves and has lived in 30 years.
Ditch the moaning minnie.

Primrose

Of course your dad has the right to choose his own life but I can understand your fears that a). He is not enjoying the retirement he planned for himself and b) that this woman has a completely different culture and is just looking on him as a meal ticket.

He doesn’t want to move house so rather than criticise his girlfriend, which I can understand as they sound complete incompatible, I,d just encourage him to go on more fishing trips with his friends and perhaps you and he should go on a nice trip or two somewhere together.

If you can encourage him to focus on the positive aspects on his life he might slowly start to make some comparisons for himself and decide that this woman is slowly suffocating him.

How frankly does your dad discuss his relationship with you ? Could you hint at how unhappy it makes you feel when you see his girlfriend trying to force him down paths he clearly doesn,t want to take. It sounds as if he got into this relationship perhaps out of loneliness initially (did your mother die or your parents get divorced.) and now is in deeper than he really wanted to get.

Perhaps they need some time apart at that your dad can reflect on which direction he wants his life to go forward but at the end of the day he,s an adult and if he’s happy to be this woman’s meal ticket for whatever he gets out of her, there,s little you can do. Don,t you know any nice unattached ladies to whom you can introduce him ?

whattodo7

Primrose wrote: »

Of course your dad has the right to choose his own life but I can understand your fears that a). He is not enjoying the retirement he planned for himself and b) that this woman has a completely different culture and is just looking on him as a meal ticket.

He doesn’t want to move house so rather than criticise his girlfriend, which I can understand as they sound complete incompatible, I,d just encourage him to go on more fishing trips with his friends and perhaps you and he should go on a nice trip or two somewhere together.

If you can encourage him to focus on the positive aspects on his life he might slowly start to make some comparisons for himself and decide that this woman is slowly suffocating him.

How frankly does your dad discuss his relationship with you ? Could you hint at how unhappy it makes you feel when you see his girlfriend trying to force him down paths he clearly doesn,t want to take. It sounds as if he got into this relationship perhaps out of loneliness initially (did your mother die or your parents get divorced.) and now is in deeper than he really wanted to get.

Perhaps they need some time apart at that your dad can reflect on which direction he wants his life to go forward but at the end of the day he,s an adult and if he’s happy to be this woman’s meal ticket for whatever he gets out of her, there,s little you can do. Don,t you know any nice unattached ladies to whom you can introduce him ?

Thank you everyone for your replies. I wasn't too sure how people were going to respond to my post. They split up after a screaming match last week and then 6 days later reconciled agreeing never to mention the marriage and house again so he must want to be with her. I just realised perhaps that's why she wants him to sell and move out rather then her move into his house - so they can be joint owners. She says the reason is because it wouldn't feel like "home" to her as it was where he was married and raised the children. She says she wants marriage and the house for commitment.
My parents got divorced 20 years ago and he's not really met anyone long-term since. During the 6 day split though my sister arranged a date in the new year with a woman who has a job and is successful and lovely (a friend's mother). He met her before and they got on but now this woman is going to have to be let down.

He enjoys spending time with this woman because she laughs at his jokes. I think she does genuinely love him but perhaps doesn't want to leave empty handed should they split / him pass away.

She insists he invites her to all family things but then doesn't speak when she is there. So a trip "just the 2 of us" could be difficult and she would want to come due to her loneliness.

Pollycat

Has your Dad ever asked you for your opinion about his relationship?

It sounds to me that he's pretty clear about what he doesn't want and has made it pretty clear to his girlfriend too.

You give your perspective of your Dad's life.
What is his perspective?

Has he ever moaned about his relationship?

whattodo7

Yes he has complained that she kept talking about marriage and had given him that deadline. But he thinks that is now all resolved since they have agreed never to mention it again.

My dad also always goes for food at his 80 year old mother's house on Sundays and his girlfriend asks to come but my grandmother won't let her. She has cancer and feels his girlfriend should be cooking for my grandmother not the other way around, but his girlfriend cannot cook. So I think she gets lonely on Sundays. My grandmother doesn't like her either.

Also there is no age gap between them

Primrose

Frankly it sounds to me as if your dad craves the admiration or whatever ego trip this woman gives him and is perhaps partially with her for all the wrong reasons.

I,d encourage your dad to further explore this relationship with the other lady he dated. He needs to be able to make some comparisons before getting tied further into this relationship. And he also needs to encourage his girlfriend to widen her own friendship circle too if she’ s lonely because these types of people can often be suffocating in their neediness.

Does your father not have any good friends who have the courage to say to him “what on earth do you see in her. Do you really think you are suited when you have nothing in common?”