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Child Maintenance

edited 13 September 2018 at 9:49PM in MoneySaving Dads
48 replies 7.6K views
Mr_GoldMineMr_GoldMine Forumite
28 posts
Second Anniversary 10 Posts
edited 13 September 2018 at 9:49PM in MoneySaving Dads
Good evening peepz.

I am a 37 year old male. My cohabitant of 15 months left me and took our child (9 months old at the time) with her back to Central London (her parents house) around May 2018.

Me and my partner were privately mediating (for around 2.5 months until three weeks ago when she decided to cut off access to the baby, in turn i said i would only pay if i see the baby. My partner then started the child maintenance process and i had no choice but to start the mediation stuff.

Before she started living with me, i did catch her having an affair with another guy, i forgave her insisting she better not do anything to jeopardize the relationship me and my partner have. She did jeopardize it. In the end i just got tired of her lying (caught her lying quite a few times) and also had enough of her materialistic approach to everything (she wants to claim x y z benefits, she wants to live with me but don't want to chip in for anything).

Anyway, my salary is around 33000 GBP for the tax year 2017/18, the child maintenance people want me to pay circa £340 ish per month. My partner has gone back to her parents and will stay with them the rest of her life, she depends on her parents and their wealth (they own a 9-bed £3 million pound house in central London, 5 bedrooms are on rent + her brother is on £3k a week after tax, another brother 'London bus driver' is on 2k a month). The money coming from me is minimal to that family (who has a combined monthly income of at least £18k a month inc government pensions and benefits). Given their financial circumstances, i know my £75 contribution wont make a difference to them, i know my partner will spend that blind without any accountability.

There is a small chance on parentage uncertainty so i have requested a paternity test at my expense with the CMS just to be doubly sure the child is mine before i start paying for the next 17 years or so.

With my employer, i pay about 90 quid into the pension, my employer matches it. i don't have any other salary sacrifice.

I've read that people have managed to reduce their CMS payments by going self employed, understating tax, increasing the pension, leaving their job (god forbid i don't want to leave my job, i love it), some salary sacrifice scheme i.e. cycle to work, left their moderate paying job to go to a lower paid one. I cant do that i got a mortgage of £600 a month. Nor can i go part time and take up another manual labour cash in hand job for the remaining days in the week. I can't do that. I feel stuck, prisoned, hands tied. I'm tempted to take up another job on evenings and weekends, but but my day job can be mentally demanding sometimes, at 5pm(if i'm lucky to leave at 5pm) just want come home and chill and on weekends take up some leisurely activities.

I know my partner is the kind of person who is going to mess me about to the limits in regards to access the child, she would stoop as low as brainwashing the child against me up until the point my own kid (paternity test permitting) will say to me "get lost, u ain't my dad, i hate you"

is there anyway i can reduce my payments via the CMS, £75 quid a week is a lot, if the kid were with me (and partner) i wouldn't be paying £75 quid for upkeep. for the first 9 months the average weekly spend on baby stuff + food was £30 - 40 quid, remember i said 'Average'. Others have told me "your paying £75 quid and your complaining?, others pay loads more on top of that the CMS people prescribe". Suppose different circumstances demand different levels of compassion. No one wants to be a mug. I don't like my partners stance on this, it seems the female side is getting the upper hand, duped me for my money and gifts, even went on to try to claim a share of my house, what the heck?

Please don't judge me, if the kid is mine i'm happy to pay, what riles me up is that there is no accountability. It would be better if the NRP paid the CMS people, and the CMS people issued vouchers to the Resident Parent, that way at least we'll know money is being spent on baby milk powder, nappies etc. rather than a mothers ideal dream shopping spree in Westfield shopping centre with a monthly payout of £340 from some bloke she spites everyday because he wasn't the mug she hoped he would be and that she couldn't get everything her way so her dream of task-mastering her family life with her partner(me) is shattered.

The mediation people say there's no link between money paid by father and the access he has to the child he is paying for? is that fair? If i lose access to the kid I'm paying for, its going to feel like I'm financing an orphan? well she will never be an orphan while her biological parents are about.... pay or no pay, my partner would do anything to get the upper hand, if i don't pay it will be "you ain't paying, why do you want to see her", "goddam you woman, when i was paying you bloody stopped access"

is that right? the fathers rights are being violated on a ethical and moral basis by the kids mother, and this is happening all too often. The mothers are using UK law and rule to dismember their former partners financially and mentally.

I wish the CMS system would be reviewed, yes it needs a better restructure even though they restructured it from CSA recently.

Any impartial non judgemental advice appreciated please, life is hard, life is very hard, what a journey its been. Those of you who are privileged, count your blessings, count them every day.
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Replies

  • Comms69Comms69 Forumite
    14.2K posts
    10,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Good evening peepz.

    I am a 37 year old male. My cohabitant of 15 months left me and took our child (9 months old at the time) with her back to Central London (her parents house) around May 2018.

    Me and my partner were privately mediating (for around 2.5 months until three weeks ago when she decided to cut off access to the baby, in turn i said i would only pay if i see the baby. My partner then started the child maintenance process and i had no choice but to start the mediation stuff.

    Before she started living with me, i did catch her having an affair with another guy, i forgave her insisting she better not do anything to jeopardize the relationship me and my partner have. She did jeopardize it. In the end i just got tired of her lying (caught her lying quite a few times) and also had enough of her materialistic approach to everything (she wants to claim x y z benefits, she wants to live with me but don't want to chip in for anything).

    Anyway, my salary is around 33000 GBP for the tax year 2017/18, the child maintenance people want me to pay circa £340 ish per month. My partner has gone back to her parents and will stay with them the rest of her life, she depends on her parents and their wealth (they own a 9-bed £3 million pound house in central London, 5 bedrooms are on rent + her brother is on £3k a week after tax, another brother 'London bus driver' is on 2k a month). The money coming from me is minimal to that family (who has a combined monthly income of at least £18k a month inc government pensions and benefits). Given their financial circumstances, i know my £75 contribution wont make a difference to them, i know my partner will spend that blind without any accountability.

    There is a small chance on parentage uncertainty so i have requested a paternity test at my expense with the CMS just to be doubly sure the child is mine before i start paying for the next 17 years or so.

    With my employer, i pay about 90 quid into the pension, my employer matches it. i don't have any other salary sacrifice.

    I've read that people have managed to reduce their CMS payments by going self employed, understating tax, increasing the pension, leaving their job (god forbid i don't want to leave my job, i love it), some salary sacrifice scheme i.e. cycle to work, left their moderate paying job to go to a lower paid one. I cant do that i got a mortgage of £600 a month. Nor can i go part time and take up another manual labour cash in hand job for the remaining days in the week. I can't do that. I feel stuck, prisoned, hands tied. I'm tempted to take up another job on evenings and weekends, but but my day job can be mentally demanding sometimes, at 5pm(if i'm lucky to leave at 5pm) just want come home and chill and on weekends take up some leisurely activities.

    I know my partner is the kind of person who is going to mess me about to the limits in regards to access the child, she would stoop as low as brainwashing the child against me up until the point my own kid (paternity test permitting) will say to me "get lost, u ain't my dad, i hate you"

    is there anyway i can reduce my payments via the CMS, £75 quid a week is a lot, if the kid were with me (and partner) i wouldn't be paying £75 quid for upkeep. for the first 9 months the average weekly spend on baby stuff + food was £30 - 40 quid, remember i said 'Average'. Others have told me "your paying £75 quid and your complaining?, others pay loads more on top of that the CMS people prescribe". Suppose different circumstances demand different levels of compassion. No one wants to be a mug. I don't like my partners stance on this, it seems the female side is getting the upper hand, duped me for my money and gifts, even went on to try to claim a share of my house, what the heck?

    Please don't judge me, if the kid is mine i'm happy to pay, what riles me up is that there is no accountability. It would be better if the NRP paid the CMS people, and the CMS people issued vouchers to the Resident Parent, that way at least we'll know money is being spent on baby milk powder, nappies etc. rather than a mothers ideal dream shopping spree in Westfield shopping centre with a monthly payout of £340 from some bloke she spites everyday because he wasn't the mug she hoped he would be and that she couldn't get everything her way so her dream of task-mastering her family life with her partner(me) is shattered.

    The mediation people say there's no link between money paid by father and the access he has to the child he is paying for? is that fair? If i lose access to the kid I'm paying for, its going to feel like I'm financing an orphan? well she will never be an orphan while her biological parents are about.... pay or no pay, my partner would do anything to get the upper hand, if i don't pay it will be "you ain't paying, why do you want to see her", "goddam you woman, when i was paying you bloody stopped access"

    is that right? the fathers rights are being violated on a ethical and moral basis by the kids mother, and this is happening all too often. The mothers are using UK law and rule to dismember their former partners financially and mentally.

    I wish the CMS system would be reviewed, yes it needs a better restructure even though they restructured it from CSA recently.

    Any impartial non judgemental advice appreciated please, life is hard, life is very hard, what a journey its been. Those of you who are privileged, count your blessings, count them every day.

    What have her finances got to do with you?

    Does YOUR CHILD stop needing food, clothes, nappies, etc. Because you aren’t seeing her?

    Vouchers? Really? YOU PICKED HER! Your child had no choice!

    You want contact get a court order.

    Grow up!
  • i've heard some mothers breach court orders so much that even the judge cant do anything sometimes 'as they're very lenient towards mothers'.. off course some mothers know this and choose to exploit it to the max.
  • elsienelsien Forumite
    24.1K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Two issues. One is paying for your child. The other is access.
    The two are not related.

    You chose to have a child, you pay towards bringing him/her up. It really is that simple.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • scaredofdebtscaredofdebt Forumite
    1.5K posts
    Eighth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭
    If you want to see the child then you need to fight for it. Even if the mother tries to frustrate any contact, at least the child will know in the fullness of time that her father didn't abandon her.

    If the child spends time overnight with you that reduces the CM payments, but obviously I don't recommend you get contact purely as a money saving exercise.

    Why did the mother stop contact?
    Make £2018 in 2018 Challenge - Total to date £2,108
  • SpendlessSpendless Forumite
    21.5K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    What your child's Grandparents earn and how much their property is worth is irrelevant, so is your child's Uncles incomes.

    What i relevant is how much you need to contribute from your income towards your child. This amount is not connected to seeing your child.
  • Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.
  • sherambersheramber Forumite
    9.2K posts
    Sixth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
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    Your child also needs Christmas presents, birthday presents, treats, days out, holidays, hobbies and clubs when older.

    You would be contributing to all these if she were living with you.

    The fact that your partner's family are wealthy does not reduce your responsibility yo your child.
  • badmemorybadmemory Forumite
    3.9K posts
    1,000 Posts Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭✭
    Whilst yes your child needs all this - you need a DNA test. She's a proved liar (if we take your word), she is a proved cheater (if we take your word), so maybe she has lied about this too.


    If it proves to be your child though - cough up as required.
  • ClearchemClearchem Forumite
    5 posts
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Overnight contact and travel expenses to see the child legitimately reduce cms payments to help your child have more chance of a relationship with you. You could consider these avenues. Pension contributions reduce the gross salary on which the calculation is based as you would not ordinarily be expected to still be suppprting your children when a pensioner. Other children you are responsible for and live with marginally reduce your maintenance payments but by very little as 2nd familes are not given the same funding priority as your first by the dwp. Loans or debts you take out before separation for the good of the child or parent with care can be deducted. Check the variation regulations.

    The wealth or otherwise of the ex and their family is not relevant as others have said, nor does their wealth absolve you of your responsibility to your child (if confirmed). But there may be ways to manage the situation to maximise the resources that remain under your control to use yourself for your children.
  • Wow, again, I am staggered of how harsh people on this forum can be. We don't know every detail, but from what he's told us, she's done him dirty more than once and now left with his child to a severely comfortable life at her parents in another city, which makes seeing the kid really hard.

    What he's saying is that £75 is pitiful to her situation and probably won't be spent on the child anyway, as he's stated along with her probably turning the child against him.

    The guy is looking for any help on how to get the payment lowered or cancelled and to get some access, he doesn't need you lot giving it the "grow up" ensemble.

    I would say, if the child turns out to be yours, go to the courts and do what you can to get access and spend money on the child when you get access. Join facebook groups like fathers4justice who, despite their publicity stunts, have a lot of info on this subject.
  • Comms69Comms69 Forumite
    14.2K posts
    10,000 Posts Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Wow, again, I am staggered of how harsh people on this forum can be. We don't know every detail, but from what he's told us, she's done him dirty more than once and now left with his child to a severely comfortable life at her parents in another city, which makes seeing the kid really hard.

    What he's saying is that £75 is pitiful to her situation and probably won't be spent on the child anyway, as he's stated along with her probably turning the child against him.

    The guy is looking for any help on how to get the payment lowered or cancelled and to get some access, he doesn't need you lot giving it the "grow up" ensemble.

    I would say, if the child turns out to be yours, go to the courts and do what you can to get access and spend money on the child when you get access. Join facebook groups like fathers4justice who, despite their publicity stunts, have a lot of info on this subject.



    What about? Cancelling child maintenance payments?! pathetic
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