Neighbour with dementia

spadoosh

Keep_pedalling wrote: »

Would you really want to burden your wife with all that responsibility? There is no way I will allow that to happen to my wife or children. I know what a horrible strain this puts on a carer, and it often ends as it sounds like with the OPs case, with the mental and physical health of the carer being put at risk.

My wants are immaterial. I suspect those who love me will want to care for me. Its no different than me wanting to care for those i love. Irrespective of wishes.

Would you really not want to care for your wife (husband/partner)?

It seems a bit of an oxymoron suggesting you dont want to be a burden but then would most likely be happy/expected/ok to burdened?

Fireflyaway

I agree with Red Squirrel. Regardless of age or illness, shouting and saying abusive things is domestic abuse. Although the husband might have promised not to let his wife go into care it might be a relief if the decision were eventually made for him. She would be safe and he relieved and they would probably have a better relationship.
I'm sorry you are caught up in this, it must be upsetting. Although hard to do, I would call the police and adult social care every time you hear something.

Keep_pedalling

spadoosh wrote: »

My wants are immaterial. I suspect those who love me will want to care for me. Its no different than me wanting to care for those i love. Irrespective of wishes.

Would you really not want to care for your wife (husband/partner)?

It seems a bit of an oxymoron suggesting you dont want to be a burden but then would most likely be happy/expected/ok to burdened?

My wife feels the same as me, so no I will never be taking on the roll as her full time carer. Yes we will support each other, with companionship and emotional support, but should either of us need personal care in the future we will be employing outside help to do the hard stuff. If either of us ever do need care the other one is not going to be in the prime of life and have the nessasary strength or energy to take on that task.

We are admittedly fortunate to be in a position to be able to self fund any care we need, and that means we have a lot more choice than most.

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

You also have to understand that if the gentleman has full capacity then not much is going to happen unless he requests this unless abuse can be shown which unless you are prepared to say something officially i doubt there would be much of a case it is just hearsay he could for example be venting in another room he could be in the garden letting off steam nothing wrong with either of those two things happening . The ambulance service can make direct referral to social services if they attend and they feel there is an issue

marliepanda

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

You also have to understand that if the gentleman has full capacity then not much is going to happen unless he requests this unless abuse can be shown which unless you are prepared to say something officially i doubt there would be much of a case it is just hearsay he could for example be venting in another room he could be in the garden letting off steam nothing wrong with either of those two things happening . The ambulance service can make direct referral to social services if they attend and they feel there is an issue

Capacity does not mean he can make decisions about someone elses care! You think everyone who has had their children removed from them 'lacked capacity' No.

If he cannot provide adequate care then this needs to be sorted out. If he requires TWENTY MINUTES of shouting and swearing to 'let off steam' then he isn't coping. Intervention will be as much for his sake as for hers.

I'm not sure why you are mentioning the ambulance service but the police are equipped to deal with crimes, they are not equipped to adequately deal with safeguarding> it is not their job so I am not judging them on this, but the police should not be relied upon to judge these types of situations.

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

marliepanda wrote: »

Capacity does not mean he can make decisions about someone elses care! You think everyone who has had their children removed from them 'lacked capacity' No.

If he cannot provide adequate care then this needs to be sorted out. If he requires TWENTY MINUTES of shouting and swearing to 'let off steam' then he isn't coping. Intervention will be as much for his sake as for hers.

I'm not sure why you are mentioning the ambulance service but the police are equipped to deal with crimes, they are not equipped to adequately deal with safeguarding> it is not their job so I am not judging them on this, but the police should not be relied upon to judge these types of situations.

I am mentioning the ambulance service as the gentleman has been taken to hospital before and rightly or wrongly i made the assumption that as he had fallen an ambulance may have been called and they can make direct referral to the GP and also Social services. I do not understand your aggressive attitude? i was just making some points since you are obviously not willing to accept other view points i will leave this discussion here

marliepanda

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

I am mentioning the ambulance service as the gentleman has been taken to hospital before and rightly or wrongly i made the assumption that as he had fallen an ambulance may have been called and they can make direct referral to the GP and also Social services. I do not understand your aggressive attitude? i was just making some points since you are obviously not willing to accept other view points i will leave this discussion here

You directly said that 'not much will happen' and the OP 'has to understand that' '

Its not true, so yes I will rebuke any points that nothing will happen as something is going very wrong in this household and that needs to be fixed, whether through intervention or through her being removed.

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

marliepanda wrote: »

You directly said that 'not much will happen' and the OP 'has to understand that' '

Its not true, so yes I will rebuke any points that nothing will happen as something is going very wrong in this household and that needs to be fixed, whether through intervention or through her being removed.

I am very glad that you are obviously an HCPC registered social worker and are on here to give correct information to this neighbour. Bugslet I wish you luck one of my friends is neighbours with a couple who both have dementia and 2 sons and the situation you describe has been going on for years to the extent that neighbours have been attacked when taking the wife in as she is a wanderer they have had to learn to ignore the situation for their own sanity

marliepanda

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma wrote: »

I am very glad that you are obviously an HCPC registered social worker and are on here to give correct information to this neighbour.

Yawn, I am not a social worker but I am qualified in safeguarding and was a children's safeguarding office for 3 years.

Allowing things to go on and ignore them is not the way to get things sorted.

My Grandad was sectioned for wandering as he was becoming violent to others. My mum was more than capable of caring for him in his own home, but she couldnt lock him in. She put an alarm system in so if he left the house during darkness it would ring her and she could go find him. In the end, he was sectioned.

To say 'nothing will be done' is inaccurate, dangerous, and likely to induce apathy.

Ms_Chocaholic

billy2shots wrote: »

The safeguarding team are social workers who have gone through the relevant training to deal with all kinds of abuse.

First you will speak to someone who gathers all the facts from you. This is like a triage service in a hospital. Your information will then be used to see if a full investigation is needed.

I use this service every couple of months due to my job. Within the same day you should know if they will take the matter further.

By all means contact SS directors and MPs etc but the safeguarding team is where the matter will end up so save time and cut out the middle men.

It goes without saying that you can still call the police if there is an emergency or you feel someone is in immediate danger or a crime has been committed.

Tough situation, best of luck.

Unfortunately if the OP reports her concerns to the safeguarding team she will receive no feedback at all as she is not a family member so cannot be given any information due to confidentiality.