Neighbour with dementia

marliepanda

spadoosh wrote: »

Im not trivialising it in the slightest. The guy is clearly in need of help that does not mean he is incapable of caring for his wife though.

People differ, me and my partner swear quite a lot (not in front of child of course ) . Im just not someone who thinks shouting and swearing is defined as abuse. Its circumstantial. If i have to clean up poo, ill swear and shout. Like i said its a 20 minute snippet of 1440 minute days.

Again, swearing isnt the issue, if you are swearing for 20 minutes at a person for cleaning up poo, then its abusive.

Shouting and swearing for a prolonged period of time, AKA not a quite 'Oh for effs sake!' to someone who has no control of their bodily functions is abuse, plain and simple.

He is incapable of caring for his wife as he is incapable of getting her additional help which is needed...

spadoosh

marliepanda wrote: »

Again, swearing isnt the issue, if you are swearing for 20 minutes at a person for cleaning up poo, then its abusive.

Shouting and swearing for a prolonged period of time, AKA not a quite 'Oh for effs sake!' to someone who has no control of their bodily functions is abuse, plain and simple.

He is incapable of caring for his wife as he is incapable of getting her additional help which is needed...

Thats black and white, people are all colours of the rainbow.

Id rather be cared for by my wife who will at many points call me a penis and many times undeservedly than be cared for by 4 different people in a 24 hour period who i dont know, have no relation with and have no inclination as to their reason for being there.

I would happily take any and all of my wifes failings in my care, than the failings of anyone else. Put simply i trust her to try her very best. I couldnt do that of anyone else. I do accept it wont be perfect, but i know shell try to be.


anyway ive had my comment, theres people that need help. I cant see a benefit in my comment detracting from that. OP i can delete if needed.

bugslet

I do understand where you are coming from spadoosh, but it's difficult to convey individual circumstances that have been continuing and escalating for some time, particularly as I don't want to go into infinite detail anyway. He is a lovely man 'normally', just overwhelmed. Following the police incident, one of the care agencies called round to try and set up a morning and evening visit, apparently 'she was very nice, but she didn't really understand....' So nothing happened.

elsien

They have the right to a care needs assessment. Her for her own neeeds and his as a carer. Whether he would make that request or accept the help offered is a different ball game. Does he understand he couid have carers coming in to the house?

Personally I would raise a safeguarding through the local authority if I was truly concerned. Not a general call to social services which will go to the
bottom of the pile, but the option which asks if you are concerned an adult may be at risk of harm. Then say your concern is for the both of them. That will at least put them on the radar to get things checked out and more support offered.

Any legal authority he has such as power of attorney to make decisions on her behalf should be in her best interests. The local authority do have the power to act if this is not the case even if they're saying otherwise.

Is there anyone he is close to who could help him to see that accepting help will keep his wife out of a home longer than if he runs himself into the ground. Has he had any support from the incontinencd team, for example? Does he know about any carers groups where he can offload and people will get it? Does he need respite for himself?

spadoosh

bugslet wrote: »

I do understand where you are coming from spadoosh, but it's difficult to convey individual circumstances that have been continuing and escalating for some time, particularly as I don't want to go into infinite detail anyway. He is a lovely man 'normally', just overwhelmed. Following the police incident, one of the care agencies called round to try and set up a morning and evening visit, apparently 'she was very nice, but she didn't really understand....' So nothing happened.

This is kind of what im highlighting. Weve got a short piece of literature from you who has a very short view in to their lives. Not saying it in a derogatory way its fact, just as much as your neighbour whilst they might know you doesnt know everything about you.

They can easily not understand, they arent dealing with that specific person in that specific set of circumstances. They dont understand the history they have, they dont understand the relationship they have they understand the guidelines and their interpretations of things.

It sounds like he needs an interpreter, and considering he thinks you 'understand' it might be you. Those around him need to find a way of telling him it can be easier for him and better for her and it doesnt require him being less committed. Not in a way that is going to put his barrier up though.

Red-Squirrel_2

I would raise a safeguarding concern with the council, as Elsien suggested, but I would also call the police every single time you hear the abuse happening. This will keep them both safe because you don't know if things will get on top of him so much one time that he does something to himself or to her that he would regret. It also puts them on the radar in the way that a one off call doesn't and the police have a safeguarding duty too, it will also mean there is an official record of what is happening.

bugslet

elsien wrote: »

They have the right to a care needs assessment. Her for her own neeeds and his as a carer. Whether he would make that request or accept the help offered is a different ball game. Does he understand he couid have carers coming in to the house?

Personally I would raise a safeguarding through the local authority if I was truly concerned. Not a general call to social services which will go to the
bottom of the pile, but the option which asks if you are concerned an adult may be at risk of harm. Then say your concern is for the both of them. That will at least put them on the radar to get things checked out and more support offered.

Any legal authority he has such as power of attorney to make decisions on her behalf should be in her best interests. The local authority do have the power to act if this is not the case even if they're saying otherwise.

Is there anyone he is close to who could help him to see that accepting help will keep his wife out of a home longer than if he runs himself into the ground. Has he had any support from the incontinencd team, for example? Does he know about any carers groups where he can offload and people will get it? Does he need respite for himself?

Thank you elsien, I hoped you may answer:)

His son and daughter have all tried to suggest carers, as I say an agency came round, but he was having none of it. We've all suggested incontinence items that would help. And we've tried suggesting respite as well.

I will mention the safeguarding to them and see if they wish to pursue that.

Spadoosh, I'm relaying his childrens's concerns not just mine, which are secondary to theirs obviously.

Thank you Tee Maynott for your thoughts, it is difficult to know what to do for the best, which is one of the reasons the children are looking for people better placed to determine a way forward. As you say, that may be difficult to access.

NeilCr

Very difficult situation bugslet

I wonder are there any local dementia support groups that the children could talk to? They will have real experience that could help and, also, may know the right people to contact.

Many years ago I went to one with my step mum as my dad had frontal lobe damage and while my step mum found it all a bit too distressing they were extremely caring and helpful. I know we have three or four in our area

bugslet

Thanks Neil, I'll mention that as well.

Keep_pedalling

spadoosh wrote: »

Thats black and white, people are all colours of the rainbow.

Id rather be cared for by my wife who will at many points call me a penis and many times undeservedly than be cared for by 4 different people in a 24 hour period who i dont know, have no relation with and have no inclination as to their reason for being there.

I would happily take any and all of my wifes failings in my care, than the failings of anyone else. Put simply i trust her to try her very best. I couldnt do that of anyone else. I do accept it wont be perfect, but i know shell try to be.


anyway ive had my comment, theres people that need help. I cant see a benefit in my comment detracting from that. OP i can delete if needed.

Would you really want to burden your wife with all that responsibility? There is no way I will allow that to happen to my wife or children. I know what a horrible strain this puts on a carer, and it often ends as it sounds like with the OPs case, with the mental and physical health of the carer being put at risk.