Getting debt free with a partner you struggle to communicate with about finances

fatbelly

ERPY85 wrote: »

I wanted to volunteer for citizens advice myself, but couldn't because of childcare, but I now realise that's a bit of a joke anyway, I need to get myself in order first before thinking I can offer any advice to anyone else!

If you could see the people I work with at CAB, you'd not have that view.

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Why would volunteering for CAB be a bit of a joke? You would have first hand experience of dealing with debt which could be invaluable to someone else in the same position that you're in now.

Exactly!

Anyway, you are getting lots of good advice on this thread.

zippygeorgeandben

Can your husband quit vaping? I'm not sure with this much debt whether this is something you both can afford.

ERPY85

Thanks middleclassbutpoor,. I'm sure I might advise someone else to take the advice of the experts (the lovely people on here, stepchange etc). But I can't seem to get the emotion out of the way right now. I had no luck ringing stepchange this evening, my computer decided to do a million updates so I couldn't get to my figures, and my son decided to scream instead of sleep! But we'll try again tomorrow.

I have spent the evening looking at other employment options and potential shift work, but I'm not convinced what I'm finding would improve much. I've got to do some proper sums.

zippygeorgeandben thank you for the suggestion, I'd love to say yes, but I know my husband, and him quitting smoking was such a huge achievement I'm not sure he could physically quit vaping very easily, certainly not instantly. I know long term he'd like to, but it's something to work on.

And I know I've probably overall come off as quite negative about my husband. He is not ignorant or unsupportive, I just think he's not very practical. And I think I am more capable to deal with our situation in a mental health sense. But I will talk to him, I'll make sure we both know what's happening and why.

middleclassbutpoor

Don't stress about not having rung them yet.

I wouldn't be causing further disruption to your life by looking for a job that may pay a little more but you don't know if you will like etc. Better the devil you know sometimes. Changing routines etc - unless its a job where you can see a way forward where you could clear this fairly rapidly, I wouldn't want to add to my stress of having to interview/prepare CV etc.

An interesting thread for you to read.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5598629/punished-for-dmp

Someone who is now regretting their decision to do the DMP because it can be a long journey and I can imagine when you are in it, there will be times where you will just want it gone.

Not saying you shouldn't go down this route or that a DMP is wrong but given the 2 options, the DRO will in the long run appear to be the least stressful and will allow you to get on with your life more quickly.

I hope that you and your husband can work through this whatever you choose.

fatbelly

I see the dfw community is tending towards the DRO x 2 option, so a couple of things to note.

It seems one of you has a £1500 car. That would disqualify you. However it may be worth less than you think. Put your car reg in on

https://www.parkers.co.uk/car-valuation/

and see what the figure is for private poor. If it's above £1000, remember cars depreciate at 30% per year so that will give you a timescale of when you will qualify.

As things stand, the surplus figure is £153.61, splitting approx. £77/77, and that is over the £50 limit. Some of the expenditure needs further itemisation (spends) and some would be hard to justify (child savings). But some items can be increased. My starting point for food & housekeeping for you would be £100 pw or £433 per month, for instance. So I think we could get there quite easily.

If you were going down the dro route you should also think tactically about getting some debts like council tax and water debt written off, maybe an overdraft if you have one of those credit cards with your bank that also provides your current account. The limit is £20000 on each application, with any joint debts counting in full on each application.

This may all be too much for you to think about now but I'm laying it out because we might come back to it later. For now have a chat to stepchange and see what they say.

ERPY85

Hi fat belly. I don't have an overdraft and don't have any arrears on any bills. Somehow we have been managing to pay everything (it would seem if I'm honest that's because we've been putting spends on credit!)

I've just done that car valuation and it's saying less than £700 for private poor!

I am confused about DROs after reading about them. The say there is a 12 month period and a 6 year period, but you have to declare any change in money etc. Is that within the 12 months or the 6 years? Because if its 6 years and I'm not going to be able to save anything in that time then I may as well pay the debts?

Also if I get A DRO on my own, will it effect my husbands credit rating? I'm just trying to think of a way we could pay some debt (my husbands) and retain a good credit rating for at least one of us! Im just thinking of things like car insurance paid monthly, mobile phone paid monthly etc, all of that is credit, and you end up paying more in the long run if you can't access this type of credit (which is more a way of spreading the bills than borrowing)

System

Hi - I know it's been said but I would consider quitting your job to look after the children. You may be eligible for more benefits and by the looks of it, you'll be better off anyway with childcare costs and lack of bus fare!


Then, that would free you up to do a little bit of weekend work or evening work whilst husband looks after the kids. Just a cleaning job a couple of nights or a shift at the weekend in a supermarket can bring in a much needed £100+ a month and you get to spend all your time with the kids.



Obsviously, vapping has to go and I though your gas and electric were high too. Child maintanance - is that from a previous relationship?

NeverendingDMP

Its lots to think about. Speak with stepchange, try and involve hubby at a pace that works for him health wise but also take time to think it over. Some areas in your budget might need increasing a bit to stop you turning to credit whatever you choose e.g food.

Also if you rent and are likely to move maybe ask stepchange how that works.

Having one person with credit and one with none does require a lot of discipline. I did a solo DMP with hubby still having credit . A few issues with tax credits and some emergency situations later meant it was far to easy to use Mr bcard to pay the nursery fees. Oops. Now he is listed jointly in our DMP so he has no access to credit and we have had to deal with whatever crops up.
My DMP will take forever but we have some equity so to me it was the best long term choice.

Whichever way you choose needs to be right for you and the family both now and in the next few years so have a day in the park or something to try and take your mind off it then come back to it afresh x

fatbelly

ERPY85 wrote: »

Hi fat belly. I don't have an overdraft and don't have any arrears on any bills. Somehow we have been managing to pay everything (it would seem if I'm honest that's because we've been putting spends on credit!)

I've just done that car valuation and it's saying less than £700 for private poor!

I am confused about DROs after reading about them. The say there is a 12 month period and a 6 year period, but you have to declare any change in money etc. Is that within the 12 months or the 6 years? Because if its 6 years and I'm not going to be able to save anything in that time then I may as well pay the debts?

Also if I get A DRO on my own, will it effect my husbands credit rating? I'm just trying to think of a way we could pay some debt (my husbands) and retain a good credit rating for at least one of us! Im just thinking of things like car insurance paid monthly, mobile phone paid monthly etc, all of that is credit, and you end up paying more in the long run if you can't access this type of credit (which is more a way of spreading the bills than borrowing)

Well that's the car problem solved.

There is a 12-month moratorium. You have to stay within the qualifying parameters (more or less) during the 12 months, then your debts are written off. The DRO stays on your credit file for a total of 6 years.

If you have a joint financial product with your husband then his credit file will be affected too, because you are linked.

My clients at CAB have no problem getting mobile phones and car insurance after a DRO - at least no-one has ever complained to me about it.

ERPY85

Hi everyone. I thought I'd update you all as I've had a few days to think and I've spoken to Step Change and I've done some more sums, and the result is expected, my only option is a DRO. So I've done the paperwork and sent it all off to Stepchange this evening (took hours to scan everything etc). So now I guess I just wait and hope the DRO all goes through. I have gone over and over the figures and I've spoken to Stepchange about how I reached my figures and they seem happy with it all so hopefully it'll be plain sailing.

I feel a strange sense of calm about it all right at this moment. I've had some sleepless nights, and I know the nagging guilt of effectively 'stealing' money I can't pay back will rear its head again, but right at this moment I feel calm. I feel like I have done something positivie for my future, and my childrens future. And right now I am not feeling overwhelmingly guilty that this is all my fault. We have had a lot of financial challenges over the years (my husband was paying a lot out when we first got together and he was going through a divorce, he was a student for a lot of years and I tried very hard to balance the books, he has been unemployed on and off throughout our lives and I've always tried to keep the bills paid, and maintanence paid for his kids as the situaton there has been difficult at times). So right now I am not blaming solely myself for this mess.

Hubby still isnt really getting involved, I can tell he is struggling to deal with it all. So i've put it all in a very matter of fact way, and I will be budgeting us as tightly as possible going forward. I think the only real way to deal with it is to tell my husband that there is 'x' amount left each month and we have to stick to it.

I am hoping with a tight budget we can pay my husbands cards off and hopefully keep at least his credit rating healthy (should we ever need to move house etc).

I hope this DRO is a positive step forward. I would like to thank each and everyone one of you for your kind words and advice. I'd like to keep a debt diary, but feel a bit of a fraud as some people are paying their debts and I obviously wont be, but maybe I'll keep one just to keep track of our budgeting and the reduction of husbands debt.

For now I need to sleep, hopefully better tonight than i have in a while. There is nothing more that can be done for now.

Thanks again you lovely lot xxx