Getting debt free with a partner you struggle to communicate with about finances

ERPY85

Hi all

I know there is an SOA I need to complete and post to get actual help, which I am hoping to do later once my kids are in bed, but I just wanted to start this post now. We are hopelessly in debt, and I'm just so sick of it all. Some of the debt is circumstances, some is bad management, some is just completely lack of self control if I'm honest. In short we have £25k in credit card debt between us, but only earn £32k ish between us. We have good credit ratings and no missed payments at all though.

I have all the coupon apps, switch all my bills to save, use cashback websites, shop at cheap shops, buy anything I can second hand etc etc, but still we are getting nowhere.

My husband has depression and I know a lot of our spending has been to 'keep him happy' (for example he studied at uni for 4 years which got us lots of debt, he was unemployed/worked part time for periods as he gets depressed when not doing a job he 'enjoys'). He is currenty working full time for the first time in a long while, but he's only been there two months and hates it already. We just went on a short UK holiday we couldn't afford as I could tell he was getting depressed 'working and having no money' so we booked a week away knowing we couldn't afford it, and the credit card debt is up again!

I am in charge of all the money, my husband won't get involved at all. I can't talk to him about money or he gets even more depressed, and it motivates him even less to go to work when there's seemingly no money to show for it (he's not very good at realising that all the debt we got into while he studied is what we are now paying for!).

I just feel alone with it all. I want to really dig our heels in, start budgeting, sticking to it, and getting our debt down. But I know if I suggest these things it may well trigger my husbands depression as he can't seem to understand why we aren't suddenly rolling in money now he's working. I work part time as well and we have two young children and two children from his last marriage we pay maintenence for.

I know this post is pointless without figures etc, but I just want to write something, I feel pretty down about it all right now. Not because I dont think we could manage, but because I don't think my husband will get on board. I desperately want to avoid any debt management type plans which will affect our credit rating.

What do you do in this situation when I want to make big changes, but feel it'll cause arguments and I can't do it alone?!

karencks

Hi,

I totally empathise with you - check out my recent post on here!

We have also suffered due to a lack of communication. We are now in debt to the tune of 56K ish. I wish that we had dealt with this earlier.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband suffers from depression -it's a a horrible illness and one that I have experienced first hand, however getting more into debt will potentially aggravate this for him ( says the woman 56k in debt!!!)

I think that I have been in denial regarding our debts and it sounds as though your husband may be doing the same. I wish that my husband had been more direct with me when I was engaging in our finances.

I going to post my SOA shortly too, so perhaps we can support each other?

ERPY85

Thanks Karencks. I've just had a read of your post. Maybe we could see each other through this a bit, our income is less but then I guess our debt is less so it's all relative :-)

I'd love some support, hoping to have a chat with my husband at some point to see if I can get us both on board as it would be easier!

-taff

Spending money to stave off your hubands depression is not sustainable, as you are now finding out the hard way.
Harsh as it is, if you are determined to be the one in charge because either you feel you have no choice, or can't get him on board with it, then you're going to have to make the tough decisions. Make a budget, lots of people here will help with that, and with an SOA if you post one up. Present him with it, and insist that it's stuck to. Explain that the level of debt means that working or not, if it isn't stuck to, it will lead to more debt. Put an end date on your debt repayments , so he can see you're working towards something and that there is an end in sight. Make the five or ten percent cross off chart so he can see it's going down if that'll help.

Also, if your husband has depression, has he been to the doctor for diagnosis and help? If he hasn't, then he must go. The correlation between spending money because you're depressed and need a boost will have to be broken.
You could try and think of ways to get out that don't involve spending lots of money [ picnics/outdoor barbeques/coupon a weekend break etc - I'm not great at this but I'm sure other people can suggest a lot more]. Also, the old style board is good for saving money ideas with regards to anything household related, so clothing, cleaning, cooking etc.

Good luck to you too

zippygeorgeandben

You also have to think about your own mental health as well. Good luck.

ERPY85

Thank you. Yes Taff hes had lots of help with his mental health problems, he's had them his whole life unfortunately and has basically been on some kind of medication for 20 years. He's very intelligent and when he is kept intellectually stimulated he is much better and happier. He did the university degrees (up to masters) as he wanted a better education to get a better job, sadly so far he hasn't found the 'perfect' job and he's stuck just in an admin role. He could be so much more, but he needs the right opportunity! I wish we could find the right job for him as it would make such a difference, and would mean we could deal with these other issues. However the right job is easier said than done, as he is very particular about what he will do.

But for now we've got no choice, he has to stay in the job he's in, and I want to try and keep him as happy as I can. But I know that debt isn't the way to do that. We aren't extravagant people, we are happy to try and make free or low cost entertainment. But with a household of 6 the costs easily creep up when you do any activity with any cost involved. I will have a look at that other board though for tips. I'm determined to start this debt free journey, I have many dreams for our future and this debt is like a weight around our necks. Luckily I've never had any mental health worries and I'm generally pretty robust, so I think I can take charge. But I also want a happy marriage !!!128578;

-taff

Actually then, if he's better when he's stimulated, why not ask him to approach the debt as an excercise? He can find out the lowest rates, work out what can be thrown at it, shop around for better rates, look for deals etc.


I think you'll find a lot of us could be so much more but are also stuck in rubbish jobs or jobs we don't like, that are not exciting, but we have to do them anyway for the money. He's lucky to have a job as the saying goes, it's easier to find one when you have one. He's better off sticking to it for now anyway otherwise employers would question why he's not working somewhere consistently...that's if he was contemplating leaving there for some reason of course...

NeverendingDMP

Got a hubby who's not interested either. Makes it tough.just saying hi and welcome. Will have a proper read and post back after. We owe a fair amount so I'll be on the forum a while so happy to s

NeverendingDMP

Share the burden

ERPY85

Well I've done the SOA, and it's hopeless. No wonder we are so screwed we are running over £300 in the red. Please someone, save me some money here! Some of this is 'budgeting' not actual bills - but if I didn't budget anything i.e. Christmas, car maintenance etc, and didn't budget for any spends technically there's enough money coming in to pay the bills, but we need to actually live, and without some budgeting accounts the debt would just increase. At this rate I calculate it would take us between 9 and 10 years to clear our debts paying at the same rates, with the same interest!

We do not currently have any defaults, I've never paid a bill late in my life. But looking at this I have no idea how we've managed it! I would love to save our credit rating by sorting this ourselves, but realistically am I looking at something serious here?

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 4 (2 kids full time, 2 step kids part time)
Number of cars owned.................... 1

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 850 (This is an average, my income varies the lowest possible is about £750 the highest can be £950 ish. If I worked more we'd be worse off as the tax credits would decrease by more than I'd earn, I've done many calculations for this! I already have a second evening job to avoid increasing childcare costs)
Partners monthly income after tax....... 1350
Benefits................................ 671.23 (tax credits for childcare, it will reduce next April by about £30 a week maybe so we'll be worse off!)
Other income............................ 149.06 (child benefit)
Total monthly income.................... 3020.29

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 700
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 115
Electricity............................. 40
Gas..................................... 41.69
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 23.6
Telephone (land line)................... 0
Mobile phone............................ 30 (for me and my husband)
TV Licence.............................. 12.83
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Internet Services....................... 29 (cheapest deal I could find as recommended on here, the first 2 months were free so technically monthly on the 12 month contract it worked out cheaper than this)
Groceries etc. ......................... 200 (this is a guess, we definitely spend more than the £40 a week I budget for!)
Clothing................................ 20 (again, a guess, most of the time this comes out of our 'spends')
Petrol/diesel........................... 75 (this varies depending on how much we use the car)
Road tax................................ 12.25
Car Insurance........................... 37.27
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 30 (saved into an account, although often dipped into)
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 36 (my bus fare)
Childcare/nursery....................... 858 (two children, 2 days a week)
Other child related expenses............ 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 9
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 11.45
Life assurance ......................... 30.59 (2 of us, my husbands is high)
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 30 (saved into an account although often dipped into)
Haircuts................................ 0
Entertainment........................... 0
Holiday................................. 30 (saved into an account although often dipped int)
Emergency fund.......................... 25 (saved into an account although often dipped int)
Child maintanence....................... 160 (we have used CSA to calculate this)
child savings/pocket money.............. 50 (based on saving £7 a month for the 3 youngest and £20 for the teenager)
spends £30 ea pw........................ 260 (our 'spends' is basically everything else, clothes, entertainment, vaping for my husband)
Total monthly expenses.................. 2866.68


Assets
Cash.................................... 300
House value (Gross)..................... 0
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 1500
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 1800

No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...Current monthly interest amount in £
PTNR Credit Card 1.............6732.01...80.99.....13.8
PTNR Credit Card 2.............4182.86...99.31.....58.31
ME Credit Card 3...............3368.34...84.07.....50.9
ME Credit Card 5...............8616.46...141.5.....66.01
ME Credit Card 4...............3505.06...76.39.....45.32
Total unsecured debts..........26404.73..482.26....-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 3,020.29
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 2,866.68
Available for debt repayments........... 153.61
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 482.26
Amount short for making debt repayments. -328.65

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 1,800
Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
Total Unsecured debt.................... -26,404.73
Net Assets.............................. -24,604.73

Created using the SOA calculator at stoozing
Reproduced on Moneysavingexpert with permission, using other browser.

Karonher

The obvious one is spends at £260. That can be cut quite a bit. Could you and your husband have an allowance and he can buy his vaping things from that - when its gone its gone.

Phones could be sim only and sadly the pocket money may have to be reduced. Are you committed to a holiday or can that be missed?

Have you spoken to Stepchange. A DMP may be the way to go.