Getting debt free with a partner you struggle to communicate with about finances

-taff

Don't be silly. No one is an expert at everything, and stuff happens that means everyone starts off thinking about things one way or doing things one way, then something happens, and they realise there is more than one way to do stuff.


Really, stop beating yourself up, stuff happens...You're just making sure that stuff in that particuar area doesn't happen to you again

NeverendingDMP

Morning. Please don't feel bad. Its the interest of the debts that causes the pickle and the catch 22 of work and childcare.... We are similar in earnings. We've 3 children and hubby brings home 1350 and me 870.

We are getting the three years entitlement now but over the past few years childcare has ranged from 1200 to 1800 a month.

We now owe 32075. We are on a DMP. Yes it means we have defaults and no access to credit but the debts are now going down not up. Hubby is not on board and not interested and it's infuriating and soul destroying to be the only one bothered to do anything about it.

Do you think you OH is in denial, could be shocked into action or won't he ever really be involved. You don't need to answer that one out loud. Just for you to think about x

Also i just wanted to say if stepchange dont pick up straight away or you have to stop start the phonecalls due to children being there please don't give up. Stepchange are used to children being present in the background, I've rung them plenty whilst trying to dole out biscuits to keep the kids quiet.

I don't know fully about DRO but if there is a chance I would say seriously consider it. Just imagine how it would feel to wake up in x months and not be upset by the debt. You could then truly budget and move forward. Fatbelly gives lots of good advice as do many others on here.

A DMP isn't too bad once your in it either. Obviously not ideal but so much better than the debt merry go round.

Please try to get advice now to decide what is best for you all. And keep posting. X

ERPY85

Thank you neverendingdmp for your kind reply. It's nice to know we aren't alone. And thank you as well to everyone else.

I've actually contacted the nursery today as my eldest will get her 'free hours' from next April. But they are saying childcare will still cost me £236 a month for her, which is still half of what we pay now! So not exactly free and won't mean we are saving anything as we'll lose the tax credits. So that's a bummer.

Funnily enough 2 things have come up in conversation today which I'll have to laugh at or I'll cry! Firstly husband asked me something about direct debits this morning, so I took the opportunity to mention money and I casually mentioned about my post and that we need to look at debt options. And then he guessed how much debt we are in - he guessed £10k in total! Which just shows how clueless he is...

And secondly we come to my parents for a coffee, and my dad randomly passes me his laptop and shows me an article about ISA's to save for home buying deposits! So that's how far away my parents think we are from the hole we are in...! Embarrassing that they have no idea.

NeverendingDMP

I get you.my parents don't get why we don't extend the mortgage to sort the house, which does need doing . Told them straight last week that it's because the bank said no and even if they said yes we don't earn enough to repay it. Not sure they got it as they then offered to lend it me and I'll pay them back.
It's good you rang nursery to ask although sorry the news was naff. Its a bit of a reality check isn't it. In the nicest possible way it just highlights that it's best to look at options now instead of trying to hold out till youngest is three... Starts school etc..

Having said that I've opened a life time pension ISA as I had to do it before turning 40 and I put two pounds a month in.ha ha. Pennies eventually make pounds.

DMP_Tiger

My parents are firm believers of "if you can't afford it you don't have it, or you save up for it". They are in their 80's and that is how things used to be.

They think that I have one credit card with a few hundred pounds on it :rotfl:

DMP_Tiger

NeverendingDMP wrote: »

Hubby is not on board and not interested and it's infuriating and soul destroying to be the only one bothered to do anything about it.

This seems to be quite a common theme on these boards. It's SUCH a massive thing for one person to deal with on their own. Nobody wants to deal with debts, it's horrible! Even if people aren't bothered about money (or lack thereof), how can they sit there leaving all of the stress, anxiety and sh*t to the person that they supposedly love??

I don't mean to be unkind to anyone's husband. I'm sure that they are all great guys, but marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

kazwookie

1. Is there a chance you can change to a cheaper nursery for the children?
2. Can you change your job to work at night, so your husband can look after the children, and take then out of nursery altogether?

oaktree500

kazwookie wrote: »

1. Is there a chance you can change to a cheaper nursery for the children?
2. Can you change your job to work at night, so your husband can look after the children, and take then out of nursery altogether?

Re this:

I can say that with experience, reducing childcare is a huge thing. I personally pay for all our childcare, so making sure it's a cheap as possible is key. Myself/my partner work slightly alternate shifts so I can take my daughter to school, whilst my wife will pick her up from the after-school club/child care place, which has saved us a lot in itself. I still pay out £190 a month for what we have (School pick up until 6pm) but it's cheaper than it was originally (that and ALSO breakfast clubs/school drop off).

ERPY85

Thanks everyone. I may have to seriously think about my job. I get £12 an hour in one job this is 2 days a week 8.30-5, and £10 an hour in another job which is casual but mainly evenings and weekends. I'm worried if I try and find some sort of night/evening work we wont be better off even with childcare savings as I'd earn a lot less. And currently we do get a chunk off tax credits towards the costs. Having said that learning what I have about next years 'free' hours (what a joke!), and knowing that we were expecting less tax credits next year anyway, maybe it would work better.

I feel so lost. Maybe I need to wait on the dmp etc until I know what I'm doing about employment!? I dont know. I'm going to try and call stepchange in a bit anyway just for advice.

middleclassbutpoor

You have had a lot of good advice so not a lot that I can add really.

In terms of how you are feeling, it is surprisingly difficult to sometimes see things as clearly as others can when they are not in that situation. What feels like a difficult decision when you cloud the issue with emotion/relation isn't really when you are looking it without the emotion.

You appear to have accepted that you need some kind of debt management solution (DMP or 2 x DROs) but are still not 100% there yet, maybe the following will be of help?

When I am struggling to decide on what to do, I try and imagine it was my Mum or my sibling that was in my situation and ask them what would i advise them to do? The gut answer that comes to me tends to be the right one.

When I look at your situation - DRO looks like the better option. Yes, you accept that the next several years will not be easy in terms of accessing credit but like wise, you will have several years to build your wealth and start from scratch again as such. By the time you are able to access mortgages, you may even have a decent deposit put together.

A DMP will be drawn out and even when you come off it, you will be less likely to have been able to save as you would have under a DRO. Don't let the pride that allowed you to get in the mess stop you from getting out of it.