Made A Terrible Mistake

Mylife

Thanks everyone, Deann I will speak to my family and ask I they could mind the baby once in a while to give me time to myself.
Newbutold I don't know much about CMS but I think if I chose to go through them he would pay much less than he is prepared to pay ,probably to keep me quiet and not contact the wife
Onwards I doubt the wife knows,his sister would have told me. I think his eldest knows something though but not about the baby.
I will wait and see how things develop

UKTigerlily

Congratulations on your baby, i'm sure she's beautiful
I really do feel that you need to be honest, all relationships should be built upon trust, even the one you have with your Daughter
If she finds you lied, which she will, she will wonder what else you lied about and won't be able to trust you
She is innocent, she has the absolute right to know her Dad, Aunties/Uncles/Cousins/Grandparents and siblings
If I found out my parents hadn't told me about older half siblings, i'd disown them in a heartbeat
It is up to him to tell his Wife, not you, but everyone should know.

How will you bring your Daughter up and tell her to not lie, or punish her for lying, when you're telling the biggest one of all? How can you talk about trust, morals etc to her?
You are an Adult, what if something happens to you? It should then be her Father raising her.

What about when she finds out and realises she missed time with her Dad & siblings? She has the right to know him, and to have him in her life, as does he
That baby didn't ask for this, or deserve this. Yes, it's hard, my own Dad cheated, BUT it will be way harder when she finds out, which she will, and you have to explain why you decided she couldn't know her family


Also, she should come first. HER, NOT how anyone else feels, she should be your priority. If she grows up knowing about her Dad and siblings, she won't be hurt. If his other children are hurt, that is on HIM. Your baby is YOUR priority and shouldn't be kept a secret.


Plus, he did this to his other kids Mother, so probably will sleep with other women and have kids with them too, especially as this he's got away with. Only a coward doesn't face up to mistakes; teach your Daughter that humans make mistakes and we must learn from them, but that she's very much loved and wanted

Dimps_123

Many congratulations!! I'd read your initial posts back in July last year and its lovely to hear your wonderful news.


In my humble opinion, I find it incredible how so many people take it upon themselves to tell you what to do. Only you know what to do, how to handle situations, how to pick yourself up and get on with it. Only you know what really happened, why and what to do next. Of course in an ideal world we'd all bring our children up in the best possible family environment we can provide them - but funnily enough this world isn't ideal, things happen, mistakes are made, we are after all only human. Its how we pick ourselves up that counts.


Enjoy everything being a mum throws at you, it goes so quickly and before you know it you'll be worrying about your daughter going off into the world and making her own mistakes. Take in everything, make lots of memories and enjoy all the little things. Believe me - you have some absolutely amazing times ahead of you. Without a doubt its the best job in the world.

UKTigerlily

Dimps_123 wrote: »

Many congratulations!! I'd read your initial posts back in July last year and its lovely to hear your wonderful news.


In my humble opinion, I find it incredible how so many people take it upon themselves to tell you what to do. Only you know what to do, how to handle situations, how to pick yourself up and get on with it. Only you know what really happened, why and what to do next. Of course in an ideal world we'd all bring our children up in the best possible family environment we can provide them - but funnily enough this world isn't ideal, things happen, mistakes are made, we are after all only human. Its how we pick ourselves up that counts.


Enjoy everything being a mum throws at you, it goes so quickly and before you know it you'll be worrying about your daughter going off into the world and making her own mistakes. Take in everything, make lots of memories and enjoy all the little things. Believe me - you have some absolutely amazing times ahead of you. Without a doubt its the best job in the world.

That is being denied to the Father. It doesn't matter if mistakes are made, the Father is known, he is willing to be involved and is clearly not a danger to the child. I see NO excuse for not telling the child she has her Dad & siblings, it is about her now. And if people come to a forum, the idea is to get opinions on all sides

Dimps_123

I'm sure there are many sides to this story and no doubt we don't know them all. I was certainly not encouraging a situation where either parent is kept out of the lovely job of bringing up a child. I don't believe I suggested not telling the child about her father and siblings. I merely commented that the OP will make her own decision regardless of the immediate situation.


I totally agree the idea is to get opinions on all sides and it is interesting to get a different view point.


I'm not entirely sure I get from the information so far that the OP has denied the father/ child the relationship - she merely sounds resigned to being a single parent (that doesn't mean the father won't be involved), it sounds like the father's wife/ family don't know - why is that the OP's sole responsibility? Ideally both parents should sit down, discuss and come to a mutual decision on how to ensure that baby gets the best from both of them. However, like I originally said the world doesn't always work that way.


Having said all that, I'm probably slightly biased anyway as I was in a slightly similar situation, my son's father wasn't involved in his upbringing (not my choice by the way) but you can lead a horse to water and all that.......

Pollycat

UKTigerlily wrote: »

That is being denied to the Father. It doesn't matter if mistakes are made, the Father is known, he is willing to be involved and is clearly not a danger to the child. I see NO excuse for not telling the child she has her Dad & siblings, it is about her now. And if people come to a forum, the idea is to get opinions on all sides

But is the Father willing to be involved?
From the latest update from the OP - maybe not:

Mylife wrote: »

Thanks everyone, my family are supportive but he is not. Towards the end of the pregnancy I completely stopped communicating with him.He briefly appeared after birth then disappeared. We still haven't worked out the financial aspects. Deann you are right I have never felt this tired. I'm just thankful

Maybe the OP had something to do with that by not communicating with him but we don't know the full story of why he's disappeared.
He certainly doesn't sound like he's willing to be involved.

DigForVictory

OP, I have read the entire thread, salute your courage, wish you the very best of luck & urge you to make a Will.

Include a letter of wishes with the facts as they stand currently in case you don't get around to telling everyone the whole truth. It's almost the worst way to find out, but it's there in case anyone can't (or won't) pass on your story.

Print out the whole thread if you want, so the time-lapse & change as it happened can be seen, as can your determination to keep your baby daughter. At various times she will be furious with you - this thread might help her see that you weren't wholly ecstatic with you either.

Wishing you both long happy lives & the very best of luck.

hb2

I've also just read this from the start. OP, I congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful daughter, encourage you to get as much help practical as possible and you you happiness for the future.

BrassicWoman

OP, given he said he wanted t be involved and now doesn't, I would also not trust that he will pay CM. Has he funded any of the baby "start up" costs - bed, pram etc?

If not - get that claim in.

Mylife

Thank you everyone for the good wishes,I'm feel blessed to have a daughter.
Uktigerlily you are right my daughter deserves more, at the moment I think we are both burying our heads in the sand. I would say both of us do not know how to proceed. At some stage we will have to sit and talk. Also as we work together (he is still a boss or senior) to me we will definitely end up interacting. As for meeting siblings etc thank God there is still time to work things through. Now is not the time.
Dimps thank you,being a parent has made me see things in a different light. Unfortunately the situation is not ideal and if I am honest I do not know what to do. Sometimes I think I should tell everyone the truth but that would cause more problems ie if I told my family that he is married, my mum would probably hate him.At the moment they just think it didn't work out and I refuse to say more.
I have resigned to be a single mother. At the moment we are not in contact as I felt he was pushing for more. When I said no ,he punished us by no contact. He has however provided financial support.
Polly most of your early advice was spot on. I just don't know how we are going to sort out this. I thought of telling his wife (stressed) at one stage but like I have said before its spiteful and not my place. His sister knows and has been supportive.
Digforvictory I agree one day I will have to explain. At the moment I have nothing to say .I just hope when the time comes I will be able to deal with it.
H2b thank you for your kind words I hope everything works out. Its early days and I guess I need time. I plan to go back to work when she is 6-8 months but it may change. I was thinking of looking for a new job but I like my work place.
Brassic at the moment he has given us a large sum ,I dont know if it will continue .I think that's a bribe so I don't tell the wife. I will have to speak to him some time so we can come to an arrangement.