Keeping Things Fair

badmemory

Of course it is perfectly possible that she is paying for childcare to avoid the possibility of having to get involved herself! She may therefore find it cheap at twice the price.

Kynthia

Treating people fairly isn't necessarily treating people the same. Sometimes it is but when peoples needs are different you might meet them individually. Often it's a judgement call and you won't get everyone agreeing what is the fair action, but I think discussion can help see different perspectives.

Let's say you have four children, at different times in their life they may have times they need financial help. It would get too expensive to give the other three the same amount every single time you wanted to help one of them. Let's say over 10 years only one incurred tuition fees at uni, then one got married, later another is a little short of the house deposit they need, one has high child are costs and then another does but the other two remain childless. Let's say one loses their job and can't make a mortgage payment and another is now a single parent on benefits and is struggling to afford their child's new school uniform among other things.

My experience with my parents would be that they would decide when to help financially and then every few years try to see overall what everyone had received and if any differences were understandable. If circumstances were similar they would try to be consistent, such as paying half of childcare costs no matter how many children or the different financial circumstances of the parents, and try to ensure that everyone eventually received the same large one-off amounts for weddings and house deposits even if a child wasn't getting married or buying a home. However there would be some differences based on those who had greater need and generally that was understood because you knew if you were the one in need you would have received the help so it was fair. Who would begrudge your parents buying the new school uniform for your nephews when their mum was a single parent working at a low paid job around school hours, when you were on a good income and could afford your child's uniform or you didn't have any children so didn't need to but one? It's a balance between being treated the same and meeting different needs and I think keeping one-off largw amounts the same over time but have small but more frequent amounts differing based on need as long as they didn't add up to more than the large amounts.

Generally I feel very lucky to have parents that are willing to help, whether financially or in other ways, and wish there was more I could do for them.

TBagpuss

I agree with Kynthia.

'Fair' and 'Equal' are not always the same.
I am one of 4 (adult) children. We've always been treated fairly, we have not always received exactly equal amounts of help, we haven't always *needed* equal amounts of help.

For instance, my parents paid for more driving lessons for me than they did for my younger sister, because she found it easier and so passed quicker, but we both got enough lessons to pass, so it was fair. (and since she is younger than me and prices had gone up, it is entirely possible that they spent more money on her, even though they paid for fewer hours)

They provided financial help to another sibling when they went through a difficult time and were not able to work full time - they haven't given similar help to the rest of us as we haven't needed it. I don't see that as remotely unfair, and even if I i, it is their business, not mine, to decide how to spend their money.

I'm just happy that my parents are still around, and that they will help us out if we need it.