Am I being unreasonable? Relationship is on the rocks over partner's drinking...

ska_lover

From what you say OP, he has always done this.. even before you met. Which leaves me confused as to why you got with him in the first place if I am honest

The only person who has changed here is you. You expected him to change...and it hasn't happened and that is not a road to happiness

That aside, the school boy behaviour of coming home aggressive after a few pints - I would not put up with anything like that and neither should you

Good luck love

Primrose

I'm owing to be very blunt. You say your boyfriend "has always been like this" ie a heavy drinker. I have news for you.
He,s not going to change. If he had wanted to, knowing how it upsets you he would have learnt from mistakes in a previous relationship and changed his ways.
He,s not going to because his current habits suit him and your accommodating them merely enables him. Sound as if he wouldn't,t even had started addressing the issue of his debts unless you had forced him into it.

Tell him go back to Mummy , find a cheaper way of caring for your horse who is obviously a better friend and improves your mental well-being more than your boyfriend does abpnd get this loser out of your life before he drags you down onto the rocks where he is.

paddy's_mum

It's simple. He loves his booze and his demand-nothing mates more than he will ever love or value you.

All you are doing at the moment is helping to keep a cheap roof over his head while he carries on doing exactly as he pleases.

He KNOWS he is hurting you but does absolutely nothing to prevent that happening and that is classic selfishness. I'd bet money that this is what broke up his marriage.

Your horse (your major hobby and emotional outlet) is irrelevant insomuch as it could equally be gymnastics or amateur dramatics that is your main outside interest - we all need one. If this man was a horse that you had on loan, one that bit, kicked, bucked, and shied...how long would you keep trying to work with him, accept the bumps and bruises, the grave risk of a ride that would happily bolt with you into oncoming traffic?

Your greatest risk, as I see it, is if he tries or has grounds to make a claim on your property and I'm totally with a previous responder who recommended that you seek good legal advice in order to protect your own position. You have already proved that he is quite happy to hurt and disadvantage you.

Your original question was are you being unreasonable. No, but he is!

Good luck.

gycraig_2

It’s not the same as gymnastics a horse is like a child feeding it cleaning it exercising it cleaning it’s pooh general maintenance.

You two are clearly incompatible, however my ex had horses and I quickly became resentful of it they take so much time out of a relationship. It’s easy to view his weekend drinking as a problem but also have a look how much time he would like to spend with you that is lost due to the horse

System

gycraig wrote: »

however my ex had horses and I quickly became resentful of it they take so much time out of a relationship. It’s easy to view his weekend drinking as a problem but also have a look how much time he would like to spend with you that is lost due to the horse

And money...which again leads to resentment.

davidwood681

Horses are a drain on any relationship.

Both my daughters have one and they come before their partners. It's pathetic.

My son has grown up seeing this situation and has vowed never to get involved with a woman who has a horse. Wise decision.

The flip side is he has a drink problem so you're probably better parting ways.

Indout96

Well I was sat here thinking he was a total drunk prat and you were in the right to be !!!!!! off with his attitude until I read this bit


I only want to see him when it's convenient for me as I go to shows on the horse.


Now I can understand why he prefers being out with friends, maybe he only wants to see you when it suits him as well ??

Fireflyaway

As a fellow horsey person, I'm guessing you spend as much time down the yard as he does down the pub. It's healthy to have your own interests and I'm sure the current football situation has probably upped the length of the pub visits / drinking!
The big bit that stands out for me is the expectations he will be home a certain time and isn't and that he gets so drunk. That's bound to make you feel second best and disrespected.
I'd sit down and have a serious chat. Tell him how much the drunkenness bothers you. He may not recall how rude he is. It's not too much to ask for him to stop being rude / risking his safety.
Re the money. If he still pays what he is supposed to for bills then if he wants to spend money on booze that's his choice.
Do you have any joint goals? Maybe a plan that you can focus on together might bring you together and enable you to be more of a team.
Silly question as I'm sure it would have already happened..... Could you convince him to ride?!

Gavin83

Is the OP coming back?

I'm assuming your not expecting him to never see his friends and would rather it just wasn't every weekend. I don't think expecting to spend some quality time with your partner is unreasonable. Couples need time together however individuals also need time with their friends. Do you make plans together as a couple?

However this is about compromise as well and you aren't totally in the right here. If his response was "Fine, I'll spend less time with my friends and make time for us as a couple but in return you need to spend less time with your horse" what would your reaction be? If you're unwilling to do this then it's not reasonable to ask it of him either, you both need to be willing to make adjustments here. If his going out and your time with the horse is more important than the relationship then maybe you've both different priorities and need to part ways.

I think you both need to have a serious think about what this relationship means to you.

I also agree with a couple of the other posters, it's likely he'll have a claim to at least some of the value of your property due to the way you've structured your finances.