Am I being unreasonable? Relationship is on the rocks over partner's drinking...

marliepanda

coolcait wrote: »

A deal's a deal.

Even when England score an unexpectedly high number of goals against a team which didn't expect to qualify for the football World Cup, couldn't believe it had qualified for the football World Cup, and appeared to have trained for a group Lucha Libre event which had a ball rolling around for 90-odd minutes.

Love. This.

You'd think we'd beat Brazil 6-1 the way the country is going crazy!

jackieblack

tacpot12 wrote: »

From the account the OP has given, I think the guy sees drinking with his friends as his hobby. It is his leisure activity, like horseriding is the OP's.

tacpot12 wrote: »

Sorry Lasttraintonowhere; I think you have correctly diagnosed his problem; he would rather be out with his friends than with you.

This about sums it up

Dimps_123

I don't normally comment but feel I had to on this one. Surely its all about respect and expectation? Its respectful to let your partner know when you'll be back - this allows you to get on with something else/ not sit and worry/ get upset if they can't be bothered to let you know. If the expectation is that you will both be spending time together at the weekend and one decides something else - that can be hurtful. Plus of course if something like alcohol becomes an issue (not necessarily for the person drinking it) that becomes a different ball game.


Lasttraintonowhere - if you feel you can go no further with this then go with your gut - only you know how you feel and what has happened. My only question would be if your other half promised to change - would you stay and try?


I hope you sort it out - whichever way it goes - and find happiness
xx

margaretclare

andydownes123 wrote: »

The World Cup is every four years, OP's partner does this every Sunday and gets so drunk he can't even hold a conversation.

Exactly. In addition, from what you say you have a completely different outlook on money than what your OH has. You have long-term ambitions for your money, he prefers to chuck it down his throat.

OP - this is not normal behaviour. I love a drink most nights and I'm never drunk enough to not be able to talk. I left that behind in my teens.

motorguy

JReacher1 wrote: »

If the OP was worried about her partner having a drinking problem then she would not be waiting at home with a bottle of wine so they can have a drink together.......

The fact of the matter is that the OP likes to go out for the day on her horse and in the evenings wants to sit and watch TV with her partner. Her partner on the other hand would prefer to go to the pub and spend time with his friends. Neither seem prepared to compromise.

As has been said already, there was a compromise agreed, but the husband broke it - again, typical drink problem behaviours.

motorguy

fishybusiness wrote: »

He has pretty much said he isn't prepared to change, from the OP's description he is drinking way too much, and at 50 he should be more aware of the consequences.

If there is no crossover in leisure time, outside of working hours, and he isn't going to change, there are really only two options.

Accept it for what it is, fill your time in other ways, which may lead to .......not accepting it and moving on.

Or

Moving on.

Agreed

My SIL has resigned herself to accepting it of her husband in the hope that he would change. Invariably his behaviours have simply got worse and her life is miserable with him

Doodles

You need to show him the door.

You have a bloke who goes out drinking every single weekend, despite you asking him to spend more time with you.

He puts his friends first because they come out at different times.

He is so drunk when he comes back, is snappy and is asleep before 8pm.

He sounds like a complete bore to me. What on earth have you been getting out of this relationship for the last 4 years?

Basically he is a 50 year old man, that likes to go out drinking with the lads, first and foremost. And actually he is entitled to do that with his life if he wants! But equally you don't have to live your life with that. I think you are very different people.

I think you should ask him to leave, and move on.

conradmum

OP, from the sound of it you've only been with your partner a short while. This stage of your relationship is going to be as good as it gets. He won't change and it isn't your fault. If you're unhappy you don't have to accept his behaviour.
FWIW I agree that lying to you about when he's going to come home, arriving home so drunk it's impossible to have a normal conversation and passing out in the early evening preventing you from spending time together as a couple aren't the actions of someone who cares about you.
I read some great relationship advice once which was, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You have options and if you want your life to be better you're going to have to exercise them.

FBaby

One thing you haven't mentioned is when does he spend time with his kids if he is out all week-ends?

You're man has a drink issue. He loves you, wants to spend time with you but the need to drink is higher. Of course, he would say that he doesn't have a problem at all, that it is all social, but the social part is hiding the issue that what he really looks forward to is the drink rather than seeing his friends. Unfortunately, it is a common issue.

They don't realise that they drink too much because they don't know the difference. It's only those that do decide to really cut down and realise how much better they feel for it, physically and mentally that they acknowledge the effect of their 'social' drinking.

I personally couldn't cope with it. It's not the being out all the time, it would be seeing my partner slowly destroying his health and dealing with the drunk attitude every time. And again, what about his kids? Is he as crap a father as he is a partner?

PasturesNew

Your expectations are not compatible.

He's just one of those people who "never grows up" and doesn't see what he has at home as more of a priority than being with the lads/drinking.

Going forward - he won't change. He doesn't need to - and he won't. Indeed, even if he thought he should change, I bet he wouldn't as he'd be too stubborn (like a teenager) and REFUSE to make adjustments.

Your lifestyles and expectations are incompatible. Your "love" is based on loving somebody who has never existed, except in your head.

Just get a backbone and call it a day.

If it was meant to be and if he can change, then within 1-2 years you could be back together, but you need to put your energies into your horse and self-esteem....

It's hard thinking of "what could've been", but the reality is that it only could've been if the other was making the necessary adjustments to move from being single to part of a couple. He's not. He's never done. He's showing no inclination to do so.

You're dating somebody stuck with an 8-13 year old's brain....

You will be no more miserable without him .... and at least, alone, you'll feel "free" to relax/work/ride to your own timetable. When you are doing something you'll no longer have a dialogue in the back of your head about what he's doing/saying or will do/say... you'll lose the anxiety of clock watching until he comes home.

Oh - and stop texting him. What's that all about? If he's out, he's out, you don't need to be in touch.... put the phone down, let him reappear in his own time, THEN rip him a new one if you think you've been poorly treated.