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Am I being unreasonable? Relationship is on the rocks over partner's drinking...
Lasttraintonowhere
Posts: 2 Newbie
Cried most of the afternoon and joined because I need to speak to someone - anyone - as I think I'm about to ask my partner of 4 years+ to leave and go live at his mums. I can't take anymore.
I love him very much but money is an issue and other matters are now pushing things to breaking point.
I'll try to make the long story short;
My finances: I've not got much in savings but I have no debts. I own my (granted, pretty decrepit) car outright and I took on a mortgage on my house not long before I lost my job. I'm yet to be earning as much as I was in that job... in fact my salary has not increased for 3 years now as I've moved between short term contracts rather than be out of work. I have no children but I do have a horse, who basically has all my spare earnings and I love very much.
When my partner and I got together it was after I got the house... I was working spare jobs at the weekends to make ends meet, but when we moved in together he asked me to give those shifts up so we could spend time together and he paid me a little extra in living expense to cover. He was renting before he met me and has a lot of debt. I want us to be able to get a mortgage together eventually but at the moment his credit rating is so bad we can't. I've managed to persuade him to take on a debt management plan and he's been on it a year now.
We split living expenses in terms of mortgage and bills 50/50 but i pay home insurance and estate charges myself as his name is not on the house. My partner earns a lot more than me - about 8000 p/a more - but he has debts as said and children with his previous partner, so I guess he has expenses I don't. I get on well with the kids which means a lot to me as I don't have a family of my own.
My partner goes out drinking every weekend and I've begged and pleaded and argued about it, but it's not changing and seems to be getting worse. He goes out on Friday until about 8-9pm straight after work. If the football is on he goes out Saturday afternoons, but even if not he goes out for an hour or so. That's ok. I don't get too rattled about those.
Sundays are what are getting me... he's currently going out between 12 and 6pm every Sunday and is refusing to budge on this.
Today was the England match. I knew he'd be going out early and spoke to him about it, I asked what times would be best for me to be out with my horse so we could spend time together. Basically the upshot was I gave up my lie in (and my current job involves very early starts so I like to catch an extra hour or so on the weekends) to go out with friends early rather than late on the horses so I would be home after the match, he'd go out early but would come home early once it finished, we'd then be able to have some time together.
Left 9:30am, he went out for 12pm. I came home just after 1pm. Match was on, exchanged texts. Lovely sunny day so brought home some wine and food and settled in the back yard. Match finished, after half an hour later I messaged to ask when he would be home. He said an hour, OK, not what we'd said but fine. Poured a glass, chilled in the back yard. 1 hour ater, still not back. I message he says he's on his way. Half an hour later still not back. I call him, he has a go at me. Messages to say he's on his way back. An hour on, it's 5.30pm. I've given up on the sunny backyard and come in. I message to ask why he isn't home. 20 minutes, nothing. I'm in tears and call him to say don't bother coming home. By then he'd been out 5.5 hrs.
The problem is when he goes out for so long, he comes home so drunk I don't want to spend any time with him.
. He literally comes back slurring his words, often being quite aggressive and snappy and goes to bed about half 7. In the past he's broken bones falling over. That's how drunk he gets.
He says I'm being unfair. I've told him I've got no problem with him going out on Sunday afternoon for about 3 hours, maybe 4, but that 5-6 hours is ridiculous and ruins my weekend as I can't even watch some TV with him and chill with him on a Sunday night as he's too drunk to hold a conversation.
I dread to think how much he spends, he averages 2.5 pts an hour and they cost about £3.20 in his favourite pub. This annoys me because if he didn't blow so much he'd be able to clear his debts much faster.
His arguments are:
He's always done this. Well yes but when we met I thought he went out so much because he was lonely. I honestly thought he'd want to go out at least some weekends and spend time with me.
He sees his friends. Fine, but he says he has to stay out because they come out at different times. So I guess they're coming out for a couple of hours each.. well if they want to see him as much as he wants to see them, can't they coordinate?
I only want to see him when it's convenient for me as I go to shows on the horse. Yes I do that sometimes and it is through the day on Saturday or Sunday. But when I go to a show, I come home that evening and we can chat, have a drink, watch TV, because I'm not so drunk I need to go straight to bed. Not only that I'm exercising, doing what's good for my health, and spending time with something that costs me a lot of money anyway, so it's better than spending extra somewhere.
It's his money he can do what he wants. Yeah fine. But we both work, we only have two days off together at the weekend and every weekend I play second fiddle to the pub. How is this right. Why is it so hard to spend time with me? I can't go out drinking that much myself, I just don't have that kind of cash. I prefer to sit in with a nice meal and a couple of glasses of wine as it's cheaper. My horse was ill at the start of the year and it's cost me a lot in vets fees and I'm only just getting back on my feet.
The more I hassle him the more he'll stay out... but I only start messaging and calling when he's due home and he's never, ever come back when he says he will so god know when I'd see him if I didn't call him.
I know I'll struggle a bit financially but I can move the horse somewhere cheaper (I'm getting a bit of help at the moment, again, so we had more time together) and I just think... why I am with someone who finds it such a hardship coming home to me. There must be someone out there who actually wants to be with me.
BTW we're not kids. I'm 40 and he's 50...I can't believe I'm in this position.
I love him very much but money is an issue and other matters are now pushing things to breaking point.
I'll try to make the long story short;
My finances: I've not got much in savings but I have no debts. I own my (granted, pretty decrepit) car outright and I took on a mortgage on my house not long before I lost my job. I'm yet to be earning as much as I was in that job... in fact my salary has not increased for 3 years now as I've moved between short term contracts rather than be out of work. I have no children but I do have a horse, who basically has all my spare earnings and I love very much.
When my partner and I got together it was after I got the house... I was working spare jobs at the weekends to make ends meet, but when we moved in together he asked me to give those shifts up so we could spend time together and he paid me a little extra in living expense to cover. He was renting before he met me and has a lot of debt. I want us to be able to get a mortgage together eventually but at the moment his credit rating is so bad we can't. I've managed to persuade him to take on a debt management plan and he's been on it a year now.
We split living expenses in terms of mortgage and bills 50/50 but i pay home insurance and estate charges myself as his name is not on the house. My partner earns a lot more than me - about 8000 p/a more - but he has debts as said and children with his previous partner, so I guess he has expenses I don't. I get on well with the kids which means a lot to me as I don't have a family of my own.
My partner goes out drinking every weekend and I've begged and pleaded and argued about it, but it's not changing and seems to be getting worse. He goes out on Friday until about 8-9pm straight after work. If the football is on he goes out Saturday afternoons, but even if not he goes out for an hour or so. That's ok. I don't get too rattled about those.
Sundays are what are getting me... he's currently going out between 12 and 6pm every Sunday and is refusing to budge on this.
Today was the England match. I knew he'd be going out early and spoke to him about it, I asked what times would be best for me to be out with my horse so we could spend time together. Basically the upshot was I gave up my lie in (and my current job involves very early starts so I like to catch an extra hour or so on the weekends) to go out with friends early rather than late on the horses so I would be home after the match, he'd go out early but would come home early once it finished, we'd then be able to have some time together.
Left 9:30am, he went out for 12pm. I came home just after 1pm. Match was on, exchanged texts. Lovely sunny day so brought home some wine and food and settled in the back yard. Match finished, after half an hour later I messaged to ask when he would be home. He said an hour, OK, not what we'd said but fine. Poured a glass, chilled in the back yard. 1 hour ater, still not back. I message he says he's on his way. Half an hour later still not back. I call him, he has a go at me. Messages to say he's on his way back. An hour on, it's 5.30pm. I've given up on the sunny backyard and come in. I message to ask why he isn't home. 20 minutes, nothing. I'm in tears and call him to say don't bother coming home. By then he'd been out 5.5 hrs.
The problem is when he goes out for so long, he comes home so drunk I don't want to spend any time with him.
. He literally comes back slurring his words, often being quite aggressive and snappy and goes to bed about half 7. In the past he's broken bones falling over. That's how drunk he gets.He says I'm being unfair. I've told him I've got no problem with him going out on Sunday afternoon for about 3 hours, maybe 4, but that 5-6 hours is ridiculous and ruins my weekend as I can't even watch some TV with him and chill with him on a Sunday night as he's too drunk to hold a conversation.
I dread to think how much he spends, he averages 2.5 pts an hour and they cost about £3.20 in his favourite pub. This annoys me because if he didn't blow so much he'd be able to clear his debts much faster.
His arguments are:
He's always done this. Well yes but when we met I thought he went out so much because he was lonely. I honestly thought he'd want to go out at least some weekends and spend time with me.
He sees his friends. Fine, but he says he has to stay out because they come out at different times. So I guess they're coming out for a couple of hours each.. well if they want to see him as much as he wants to see them, can't they coordinate?
I only want to see him when it's convenient for me as I go to shows on the horse. Yes I do that sometimes and it is through the day on Saturday or Sunday. But when I go to a show, I come home that evening and we can chat, have a drink, watch TV, because I'm not so drunk I need to go straight to bed. Not only that I'm exercising, doing what's good for my health, and spending time with something that costs me a lot of money anyway, so it's better than spending extra somewhere.
It's his money he can do what he wants. Yeah fine. But we both work, we only have two days off together at the weekend and every weekend I play second fiddle to the pub. How is this right. Why is it so hard to spend time with me? I can't go out drinking that much myself, I just don't have that kind of cash. I prefer to sit in with a nice meal and a couple of glasses of wine as it's cheaper. My horse was ill at the start of the year and it's cost me a lot in vets fees and I'm only just getting back on my feet.
The more I hassle him the more he'll stay out... but I only start messaging and calling when he's due home and he's never, ever come back when he says he will so god know when I'd see him if I didn't call him.
I know I'll struggle a bit financially but I can move the horse somewhere cheaper (I'm getting a bit of help at the moment, again, so we had more time together) and I just think... why I am with someone who finds it such a hardship coming home to me. There must be someone out there who actually wants to be with me.
BTW we're not kids. I'm 40 and he's 50...I can't believe I'm in this position.
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Comments
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How does the running cost of the horse compare with the cost of his drinking?0
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You need to give the guy a break.
It is the second game of the world cup which is once every four years and England have just had their record win.
I think you are being very unreasonable by complaining about the fact he has stayed in the pub celebrating with his mates until 6pm.0 -
I disagree. OP is not complaining about today as a one off. If it is every weekend I think they have a right to be peeved.0
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Mummy2cheekymonkeys wrote: »I disagree. OP is not complaining about today as a one off. If it is every weekend I think they have a right to be peeved.
Yes but picking this one to be the straw that breaks the back seems to lack a little understanding.
Ultimately, Lasttraintonowwhere, you need to take some time out to quietly consider whether you will be happy staying in this relationship as it is or whether your partner can change. I doubt anyone can answer those questions for you.
Best wishes.0 -
I think there are two issues here: the drunkenness and the going out. Coming home aggressive is not on in my world.
On the other hand he is currently finding going out being more interesting than sitting around at home. So do many people. This seems mainly a problem because it is incapacitating him for longer than the time spent out. Do you ever plan to do things as a couple? What did you spend your time together doing before he moved in?But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
Mummy2cheekymonkeys wrote: »I disagree. OP is not complaining about today as a one off. If it is every weekend I think they have a right to be peeved.
It sounds like the OP does her own thing herself at the weekend with her horse. Her complaint is that when she gets back home in the evening her husband has been out with friends and had some drinks and is not in the mood to sit in front of the TV with her.
It sounds like the OP's partner wants more to his weekends than just sat there watching TV with the OP in the evenings, which frankly I don't blame him for0 -
I think he is better being single that way no-one is telling him he can't go out - it's controlling.
However should never say home in 30 mins arc when clearly not happening.0 -
There is no reason why the OPs other half cannot have a few drinks socially and still commit to a promise or not get drunk.
If he has no intention of coming home he should say so before he goes rather than lie about it and then let her down.
There is also no need to get blinding drunk.
Someone above asked whether the cost of the horse is comparable to the cost of his drinking.
Its irrelevant.
She doesnt come home drunk from the horse with an inability to socialise with him of an evening.
Also she isnt in a DMP he is.0 -
It sounds like the OP does her own thing herself at the weekend with her horse. Her complaint is that when she gets back home in the evening her husband has been out with friends and had some drinks and is not in the mood to sit in front of the TV with her.
It sounds like the OP's partner wants more to his weekends than just sat there watching TV with the OP in the evenings, which frankly I don't blame him for
So getting blind drunk at every opportunity, coming home aggressive and falling over and breaking bones is fine is it?
"He literally comes back slurring his words, often being quite aggressive and snappy and goes to bed about half 7. In the past he's broken bones falling over. That's how drunk he gets. "
Maybe thats normal in your world, but in the real world, the guy has a problem.0 -
So getting blind drunk at every opportunity, coming home aggressive and falling over and breaking bones is fine is it?
"He literally comes back slurring his words, often being quite aggressive and snappy and goes to bed about half 7. In the past he's broken bones falling over. That's how drunk he gets. "
Maybe thats normal in your world, but in the real world, the guy has a problem.
If the OP was worried about her partner having a drinking problem then she would not be waiting at home with a bottle of wine so they can have a drink together.......
The fact of the matter is that the OP likes to go out for the day on her horse and in the evenings wants to sit and watch TV with her partner. Her partner on the other hand would prefer to go to the pub and spend time with his friends. Neither seem prepared to compromise.0
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