Am I being unreasonable? Relationship is on the rocks over partner's drinking...

fudgecat

Never be a "wife" who sits at home waiting for HIM to come home and texting HIM to find out when or how much longer he will be. It sounds clingy and desperate at the least and controlling at the worst. You used to work at the weekends and see to your horse. I suggest you go back to this, or find an "out" social life of your own rather than sitting in front of the telly - or sit in front of the telly and enjoy it on your own - why not? Don`t be there when he comes home, why should you wait and dance to his whims? Of course, this doesn`t really make for a relationship, but then do you really have one at the moment?

coolcait

Lasttraintonowhere wrote: »

!!!8230;

Today was the England match. I knew he'd be going out early and spoke to him about it, I asked what times would be best for me to be out with my horse so we could spend time together. Basically the upshot was I gave up my lie in (and my current job involves very early starts so I like to catch an extra hour or so on the weekends) to go out with friends early rather than late on the horses so I would be home after the match, he'd go out early but would come home early once it finished, we'd then be able to have some time together.

Textbook compromise. OP agreed to go out on the horses early, and her husband agreed to come home after the match had finished, with the shared aim of spending time together.

..

JReacher1 wrote: »

If the OP was worried about her partner having a drinking problem then she would not be waiting at home with a bottle of wine so they can have a drink together.......

The fact of the matter is that the OP likes to go out for the day on her horse and in the evenings wants to sit and watch TV with her partner. Her partner on the other hand would prefer to go to the pub and spend time with his friends. Neither seem prepared to compromise.

No, there was a compromise - but one side broke it.

Money_maker

I wonder when he sees his kids. Is he sober for them or are they left with you, OP?

JReacher1

coolcait wrote: »

No, there was a compromise - but one side broke it.

After England win by a record amount in a World Cup game which makes them qualify for the next round it is slightly unreasonable to expect them to rush home so you can sit and watch TV. This was something which would not have been known when the plans were originally discussed.

gettingtheresometime

My biggest concern is that he's contributing to the mortgage. By him doing that wouldn't he be building up a stake in the property?

If you really feel that he should go back to his mum's then I'd get some legal advice on how to approach this issue.

coolcait

JReacher1 wrote: »

After England win by a record amount in a World Cup game which makes them qualify for the next round it is slightly unreasonable to expect them to rush home so you can sit and watch TV. This was something which would not have been known when the plans were originally discussed.

A deal's a deal.

Even when England score an unexpectedly high number of goals against a team which didn't expect to qualify for the football World Cup, couldn't believe it had qualified for the football World Cup, and appeared to have trained for a group Lucha Libre event which had a ball rolling around for 90-odd minutes.

(And if the OP's husband felt that the event was worthy of breaking the deal made with his wife, the adult approach would have been to call her and explain why this was an epoch-making event, worthy of spousal deal-breaking, and agree a new arrival time. And stick to it. Relatively sober).

tacpot12

Yes, the ADULT approach would have been to call and update his partner on the fact he was staying out to celebrate the exceptional result (it is his choice whether he stays out or not, but his partner doesn't have to like it or the consequences). But the OP's partner is clearly not a fully functioning adult despite his age. Being in a relationship with someone like this is very wearing. The OP had hopes that he would change, but realistically, people, and especially older people, don't make significant changes quickly unless some crisis occurs.

From the account the OP has given, I think the guy sees drinking with his friends as his hobby. It is his leisure activity, like horseriding is the OP's. The problem is that neither of them finds the other's hobby attractive, and the guy's hobby produces some really unpleasant side effects for the OP!

Perhaps being kicked out would be the crisis that makes this guy consider the pros and cons of NOT changing his behaviour, but I am inclined to believe that he will not. It will be a step to far for him to give up his hobby for his partner.

Unfortuantely this means that the OP was mistaken in her belief that the would change. I don't think he ever will, because he will never want to, and if he did, he could end up resenting the OP unless he finds another hobby that works well for him.

Sorry Lasttraintonowhere; I think you have correctly diagnosed his problem; he would rather be out with his friends than with you. I doubt that there is any malice in this choice, he just gets more of a buzz drinking with his friends than he does from being at home with you; you want different things. I'm really sorry for you to be in this position.

If you want to rescue the relationship, I think you have to give him an ultimatum: stop going out with his friend for hours on end, and take up another hobby in the time that this frees up. I know you will feel that you have given him ultimatums before, but the difference here is that you are insisting that he finds a replacement activity to fill the time. In the spirit of compromise, you probably need to allow him to go for a drink with his friends on Friday night, but I would say that he can't come home until he has done his new hobby on Saturday. This way you don't have to see him when he is drunk. Lock the door so he can't come in until you're up and about on Saturday. If he won't agree to this, and doesn't start immediately, kick him out.

Be strong - it's worth it.

NeilCr

Tend to agree with tacpot12. I do also wonder a bit whether your BF feels that the horse is more (or at least equally) important to you than him. Not saying it is but some people get hugely attached to their animals. You do say that you only want to see him at a time that is convenient to you because of the horse/horse show.

I, too, don't think it is malicious - however, the effects are, as tacpot12 says, deeply unpleasant. He is at an age where people are less inclined to change their habits and, I suspect, he would need good reason to. It's a hard one to tackle.

I don't believe that you can ask him to give up drinking with his friends. Many of us like/need to have things we do separately from our partners and (like you and your horse riding) it is clearly something he enjoys. I guess (if I thought it was worth it) that I'd start by trying to limit the time he is out on Sunday with a particular attempt to ensure he doesn't come back drunk. I am not sure he will find another hobby now - and, from his POV, to an extent, why should he? He likes drinking with his mates.

Difficult one. While totally agreeing with those who have said he should stick to the deal he made and that, certainly, he shouldn't come home drunk as a skunk, I can see a bit of both sides.

fishybusiness

He has pretty much said he isn't prepared to change, from the OP's description he is drinking way too much, and at 50 he should be more aware of the consequences.

If there is no crossover in leisure time, outside of working hours, and he isn't going to change, there are really only two options.

Accept it for what it is, fill your time in other ways, which may lead to .......not accepting it and moving on.

Or

Moving on.

System

JReacher1 wrote: »

You need to give the guy a break.

It is the second game of the world cup which is once every four years and England have just had their record win.

I think you are being very unreasonable by complaining about the fact he has stayed in the pub celebrating with his mates until 6pm.

The World Cup is every four years, OP's partner does this every Sunday and gets so drunk he can't even hold a conversation.



OP - this is not normal behaviour. I love a drink most nights and I'm never drunk enough to not be able to talk. I left that behind in my teens.