At a crossroad with outgrown friendship

Happier_Me

We have a family member who is like this, now doing very well for themselves financially and, quite honestly, it's brought out the very worst in him. Only his opinion matters and he is very confrontational and argumentative if you dare to disagree. Discussions have to be on his terms, usually to give him the floor to brag and belittle.

We see him less often as a result because he's just not a very nice person to be around most of the time. But he's family, so we don't have the option of severing ties. You do though and I wouldn't hesitate to be unavailable until he gets the message you're not interested.

On the other hand, I do understand your dilemma, because I have a long standing friendship with someone which is no longer a healthy friendship for me although for very different reasons. It is very one sided, with me propping her up as she lurches from one self inflicted disaster to another. Although there are some redeeming qualities, her list of bad traits just goes on and on. Yet there is a loyalty stemming from years and years of strong friendship that I just can't shake.

barbiedoll

I severed ties with my long-standing friend of over 40 years, and it was very painful, almost like a bereavement in some ways.

She is an alcoholic. It was only when talking it through with my husband, that I realised that the friendship was causing me so much stress, I had simply excused the bad behaviour as just a symptom of her illness.

But, looking back, she had treated me badly long before her drinking problem, I just accepted it as part of her personality. She blabbed my darkest secrets to a bloke that she hardly knew (I knew him well), she gossiped about my marriage, she flirted endlessly with each and every man that she ever saw me with (husbands and boyfriends over the years) and she inveigled her way into every other friendship that I had with anyone else. It was only after I cut contact, that my other friends told me that they really couldn’t understand why I had put up with her for so long.

Some friendships are very one-sided, you can’t always see that from the inside. But I do agree with the poster who commented that “life is too short”.....sometimes, we have to put up with disagreeable acquaintances, work colleagues, family members and so on, we simply can’t always avoid those. So why spend time with friends that make you miserable? No thanks!

[Deleted User]

So many wise words thankyou all.

Friendships can be so complicated and as I've gotton older I have binned toxic friendships but as you know it's the length of time for this one. I'm not even sure if he is aware of this new ' personality ' of his but I'm hoping he doesn't save this bragging / belittling just for me as his family aren't like that at all, hopefully someone will take him aside and have a word.

Happier me you've have said everything I wanted of this experience but so much more eloquently.

I think because we don't see each other that often it's not as stressful as if this was a frequent friendship in which case I'd have to say something.

I'm going to make myself less available and see how we go

ska_lover

BBH123 wrote: »

He sent me a message on Friday, no greeting, no how are you, no news just a picture of a fancy watch with a fancy price tag and a 'I'm shopping'

Oh god, this would really yank my chain

I am the most un-materialistic person in the world (good job cos I am skint) and I hate braggers. To me, they just don't understand what life is about

He is being passive aggressive here and that being another pet peeve of mine, I could not be friends with this person

I'd send him a picture of a grave and say 'Yes but your grave will be the same size as everyone else's''

Hard hitting I know, but true

greenbee

BBH123 wrote: »

This is an interesting one in that I did the whole career thing in my 20/30s and enjoyed it at the time but as I got older my priorities changed and when I was a high earner I never ever mentioned money or ' stuff' because firstly I think its very poor taste and not necessary IMO.
Now the roles are reversed in that he is living in the corporate world whereas I am rather laid back now, but actually have more wealth because of my early years of slog. I could understand initial excitement but not after years tbh.

If you do meet up again, maybe some advice would be in order - pointing out that you've been through a high-earning phase and although it's easy to get excited by being able to buy stuff that you couldn't previously afford, he'd be better off saving/investing in his pension/paying off his mortgage so that he has the freedom to make decisions purely based on what he wants to do in the future. You might also want to tell him you're pleased that he enjoys his new job, but that you hope it won't change him too much (this might help him realise that it is starting to do so).

Iamadored

BBH123 wrote: »

This is an interesting one in that I did the whole career thing in my 20/30s and enjoyed it at the time but as I got older my priorities changed and when I was a high earner I never ever mentioned money or ' stuff' because firstly I think its very poor taste and not necessary IMO.
Now the roles are reversed in that he is living in the corporate world whereas I am rather laid back now, but actually have more wealth because of my early years of slog. I could understand initial excitement but not after years tbh.

You have known him for 40 years; could it be that all the time you were a high earner and he was not, he was very very jealous?

You may not have flaunted it, but he may have still deeply resented the disparity in your earning power, and harboured a grudge.

Now that the situation is reversed, maybe he is enjoying throwing it in your face, and trying to make you feel as bad as he felt for so long.

It may be wrong, but it's very human.

hollydays

Or perhaps you could start being tactfully honest with him.
The bragging would not bother me,I am not an envious person( not saying you are) but I would start saying -Are you trying to belittle me- with a laugh.
Repeat once more . If he does not take the hint and change- then bin him, but at least give him the opportunity to .
I only say this because I know some men measure themselves by their financial status and may just see this as banter and you might be being over sensitive.

BarryBlue

I think I am in the same position as the OP with a friend whom I have known since we played in the same football team nearly 50 years ago. I've always got on well with him, although now we normally only meet as a foursome about three times a year for a meal.

The problem is his wife, who is a complete nightmare in social situations. She is very loud and foul-mouthed, especially after a couple of drinks, and she seems to be completely lacking in self awareness and incapable of embarrassment. (Her temper has resulted in dismissal from several jobs.)

The last straw was a meal out with them last week where, after some wine, she started picking arguments with her husband and then me. We were cringing as she proceeded to shriek at us at the table, to the point where we got the bill and left. My wife said on the way home that there was no way she would go out with them again. This has happened before and last time we didn't meet them for over a year.

The difficulty is that I have known the chap for so long and he has never been a problem. He is, however, completely dominated by this woman and I cannot see a way of us getting together without the wife from hell. So, regrettably, it looks like the end of the road, which is a pity but I can't see any other solution.:(

[Deleted User]

That is very sad Barry as it is clearly his wife that is the problem.
In that situation, if it were me, I would take him aside and say you are happy to meet for a ' pint' with him alone and if he pushed I'd tell him you and your wife feel his wife is too full on for you.


In fairness I'd be amazed if he didn't realise this himself as its easy to read people, especially when they are cringing at another.

BarryBlue

BBH123 wrote: »

That is very sad Barry as it is clearly his wife that is the problem.
In that situation, if it were me, I would take him aside and say you are happy to meet for a ' pint' with him alone and if he pushed I'd tell him you and your wife feel his wife is too full on for you.

In fairness I'd be amazed if he didn't realise this himself as its easy to read people, especially when they are cringing at another.

Yes, what you say is absolutely true. I have no doubt he is fully aware that his wife is a social embarrassment as many people have been telling him this for about 40 years. They now have very few friends, which is why we have persevered for so long. The only people who socialise with them are his wife's family. They don't get invited anywhere, and I have been told by mutual acquaintances not to tell them about an event or get-together. She isn't just loud and foul-mouthed but also argumentative and insulting to anyone she feels like.

I would be more than happy to meet him for a pint, but it is difficult when she insists in inviting herself along and he is too laid back to say no. He is actually good company on his own but now we don't play sport together it never seems to happen. I had thought of trying this so I'll see what happens.