At a crossroad with outgrown friendship

unholyangel

To put a different spin on things, perhaps he's coming across as bragging but he's just genuinely over the moon at being able to buy himself nice things and is trying to share that with someone he considers a friend? Perhaps he thinks so highly of that friend that he thinks he's better suited to a higher paying job/is wasting his potential at his current job/wants to see him do better?

I'm not saying theres anything wrong with your life or purchases - I fully understand as I used to earn a lot more until I realised that when I was on my deathbed, I wouldn't be saying "I wish I had earned more money". It will most likely be "I wish I had more time to spend with the people who matter to me". Thats something money can't buy so I cut my working hours right back.

Anyway, my point is that sometimes we can perceive others actions in a negative light when its not meant that way.

That being said, how was he as a friend before? If he was self-centred and tore you down then, its likely he's just an !!!. If he was a good friend, then perhaps he doesn't realise what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Tell him. If he's an !!!, he'll continue to be obnoxious and arrogant. If he's still your friend he'll probably be mortified and make an effort not to drone on/ask you to tell him if he's droning on.

Doodles

It does sound as though this friendship has run its course, at least for you.

Doesn't sound like you are getting much out of it. Life is too short to have to "put up with it".

I have a friend who I have known for over 20 years. But since moving 200miles up the country 6 years ago, our friendship has changed. Always me that is making the effort and I'm getting sick of it. So I do sympathise.

In your shoes, I would let this friendship gently fade. So don't feel you have to answer texts, or meet up - be slow to respond (if at all) and have an excuse every time if he wants to meet.

[Deleted User]

unholyangel wrote: »

To put a different spin on things, perhaps he's coming across as bragging but he's just genuinely over the moon at being able to buy himself nice things and is trying to share that with someone he considers a friend? Perhaps he thinks so highly of that friend that he thinks he's better suited to a higher paying job/is wasting his potential at his current job/wants to see him do better?

I'm not saying theres anything wrong with your life or purchases - I fully understand as I used to earn a lot more until I realised that when I was on my deathbed, I wouldn't be saying "I wish I had earned more money". It will most likely be "I wish I had more time to spend with the people who matter to me". Thats something money can't buy so I cut my working hours right back.

Anyway, my point is that sometimes we can perceive others actions in a negative light when its not meant that way.

That being said, how was he as a friend before? If he was self-centred and tore you down then, its likely he's just an !!!. If he was a good friend, then perhaps he doesn't realise what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Tell him. If he's an !!!, he'll continue to be obnoxious and arrogant. If he's still your friend he'll probably be mortified and make an effort not to drone on/ask you to tell him if he's droning on.

This is an interesting one in that I did the whole career thing in my 20/30s and enjoyed it at the time but as I got older my priorities changed and when I was a high earner I never ever mentioned money or ' stuff' because firstly I think its very poor taste and not necessary IMO.
Now the roles are reversed in that he is living in the corporate world whereas I am rather laid back now, but actually have more wealth because of my early years of slog. I could understand initial excitement but not after years tbh.

[Deleted User]

Doodles wrote: »

It does sound as though this friendship has run its course, at least for you.

Doesn't sound like you are getting much out of it. Life is too short to have to "put up with it".

I have a friend who I have known for over 20 years. But since moving 200miles up the country 6 years ago, our friendship has changed. Always me that is making the effort and I'm getting sick of it. So I do sympathise.

In your shoes, I would let this friendship gently fade. So don't feel you have to answer texts, or meet up - be slow to respond (if at all) and have an excuse every time if he wants to meet.

I think this may be the answer, slowly fade away.

Loz01

Doesnt sound like friendship to me! I wouldn't bother with it anymore. You're just someone he can show off to. How is that beneficial to you? Friendship is supposed to be 2 sided, not one person belittling you. Dont waste ANY more time!

[Deleted User]

Totally agree that's how it is , I feel I am just someone he can brag to but sadly he doesn't realise I have no interest in his financial gloating.


It's the pull of 40 yrs shared history that's giving me guilt and that with the thought he may change in the future and go back to being nice or a rocket like redundancy may rock his empire lol

supermezzo

Sounds to me like he is possibly quite lonely, and that splashing out on things gives him an excuse to make contact with you - a conversation starting point, if you like. I say this as you say that he is the one suggesting dates and times to meet up.


Is he gloating/belittling in order to make his own life seem better, I wonder?

40 years is a long time to just 'let go' without maybe doing a little digging to see if there is a specific reason behind his behaviour, especially if it has changed as much as you think.

BrassicWoman

No need for a formal ending, just be less available.

downshifted

I tried the fading away thing with an old friend but it did not work. She has never been an easy person, but she can be interesting and good company. On her last visit she was rude to another friend of mine and knowingly failed to cough up her share of an event she chose for us to go to. So I decided to begin to ease away. I got a letter of apology as she realised what was happening together with a gift for my birthday which although she said she did not know the date, she did know it was this particular month. Except it was not that month at all. So as well as the other stuff, after 40 odd years she has no idea when my birthday is. I Have always sent her a card. So I sent it back and there is no going back from that. I am relieved, it had always been me listening to her issues, and it was time to call it a day

Ivrytwr3

It sounds like he has become very shallow and believes materials are a sign of success. Because he is surrounded by people of the same ilk, you are the only person he has that he can 'impress' and show off too.

I'd send an email telling him that you have valued your friendship over the years but your lives have now gone in separate directions, whilst you are really pleased for his success you no longer want it flaunted in your face on the limited time you get to spend together.

Or something along those lines!