taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

mums bioposy results are back and we have a phone consultation tomorrow at some stage to discuss the future , we do know its now confirmed as cancer which is hardly a surprise , infact so far no one has told us anything we don't know.
we have had to up the morphine as her pain has increased and that also means we have to up the laxative too. its amazing how much morphine does bung you up and its amazing the amount of poop ends up coming out when its finally released , especially for someone hardly eating.
shes still not eating much and suffering a lot of sickness feeling rather then sickness , caught her putting her fingers down her throat a few times and looking like a naughty child when she is caught in the act , also seems to be getting quite a few hot flushes and dizzy spells however that said she is definately better since she has been home from hospital and although she has the odd spell of confusion its not lasting long , its difficult to know where we are heading and when right now - my instinct tells me that she is not fit enough to sustain any chemo but I know she will want too. 
our contact at the hospital is rubbish and hasnt got back to me with the time for the phone appt so i'll be on to her tomorrow , she called me and asked if mum wanted a face to face or phone consultation to which I told her i'd ask mum as she still has her facalities etc , she is in the room !! Funny how this time round they offer us the oppurtunity to go to the hospital however 3 weeks ago when mum was in hospital she refused to go to the ward to assess her fitness for the bioposy.
Ive had to do little and often shops as she changes her mind on what she fancies so often , last night she wanted a pot noodle , tonight she wanted smoked haddock !! Have noticed that its much easier to tempt her with sweets and chocolate , to be honest though as long as she eats anything its fine as some days she doesn't want anything at all.
I'm still in health anxiety mode , had another phone appt with the doc , I seem to get the same dismissive one who just points me back to my previous tests etc , I want a CT scan , it seems such a battle to try and get one that i've now got a referral letter from the GP although he told me he would advise me to trust the NHS process. I spoke to a clinic today who want £200 for the initial consultation , my worry is that I could pay it and still not get what I want etc , I think I will wait for my coeliac intolerance test to come back and if thats not an answer then i'll look more thoroughly at bypassing the backed up NHS system.
Contracts have been drawn up for the house sale which means we should very soon have a completion date , this also means that technically I'll be debt free as I can clear all my debt at this point , I may however just carry on chipping away as its 0% aside from the car which ws front loaded on the interest but I may give them a call and see if I can get any reduction for an early settlement. Ideally I'd have been straight out looking for a house but obviously life throws you a curve ball , I need to do lots of thinking about my plans with that. I should end up with around 127k from the house sale , I have 7.8k in the emergancy fund , I have approx 4.5k in debt ( 2750 on 0% card and 1700 on car loan) I can obtain a mortgage in the region of 130k ( give or take a few k either side depending on deal) which if I'm correct gives me approx buying power off
127 k house sale
3.3k EF once debts are paid 
130k mortgage 
So my buying power is around 260k , it sounds a lot but the area I'm in , its basically a 2 bed flat in my childhood / home area or a 2 bed house in the town I work in. Obviously right now I can't do anything unless I decide to buy and don't move in immediately. Its further complicated that realistically I can expect an inheritance at some point ( don't know when but we know the cancer can't be cured) I hate talking like this but its got to be taken in to consideration with my future too 
Mums house is worth around 375k and there is an equity release loan of around 50k against it ( I'm waiting for a settlement figure to come through but I have discovered she has dipped further in to this then in 2017 when it was originally taken out in 2016 - not impressed that she has nothing to show for all of the debt but hey ho who am i to judge). There are around 6k in credit cards which would need to come out of the estate/be cleared ( this one is better then it was when I unearthed her hideous card debt) Mums will leaves the house to my sister and I jointly at 50/50 split. This is where my lack of maths know how becomes jumbled , To retain the house I firstly need to clear the equity loan half of that should come out of my sisters final share so I need to work out if I can afford to clear the loan , pay my sisters share and do the work I would want to do within my 260k budget.
Have I worked that out right ? 
My thought train feels that if I can afford to do this then mums health and mind permitting when my money hits my account , I should clear the equity loan and ask for an adjustment to mums will to divide the share to reflect this so that its then basically me buying my sister out and funding the works that needs to be covered.
The house needs a complete overhaul with the exception of heating and windows , its also gonna take some clearing as the loft hasn't been visited in years and the garage is bursting , If I clear the equity loan it at least buys some time to do this before the final destiny of the house is decided.
I'm torn as to whether to try and keep it , it makes sense as I know the house and all of the neighbours etc , its quiet , its  cul de sac , its relatively safe and it was actually built by my family so there is a little sentimental inclusion to this however selling it and buying somewhere smaller or in my work town would enable me to have a smaller mortgage and potentially not be so much a slave to a mortgage.
I can't even get my head round the figures let alone decide what to do.....................
I should have tried harder at maths at school , cos basically I need to work out how much I would have left to do any works/furnish etc once the equity and sister have been taken care off

Scott_Weiland79

Hi i have just being having a read after a long time off the forum i am sorry about your mam. I cant say the words but its horrible news. Is there no way your mum will drink those sports supplement shakes you can get in boots ie complan i think they are call we gave them to dad last year when he was going through chemo, just to get calories into his system as proper food just made him want to be sick.

Scott_Weiland79

You know my back ground re mental health and anxiety well i hope you remember have you tried doing different breathing techniques to help. Anxiety is a nightmare i get that back in 2017 i was in a dark dark place and i can fully empathize regarding it. 
Google/youtube something called the 4-7-8 breathing technique
I hope it helps, i use it at work or when my anxiety kicks in. 

Kitten868

Sorry lovely. I keep getting signed out. 
I think you are right about the health anxiety but I think its totally understandable. Your mum has very quickly had her health flip. Yes looking back the signs were maybe a bit longer there but you could not have known. That in itself is terrifying. You've totally had the rug pulled from under you both. It's clearly not what your mum wanted and she's struggling to face it and you are all by yourself (the seriousness of it that is). You are having issues and symptoms. You aren't imagining them. Yes they could totally be down to stress but they are still happening. There is a pandemic happening so you have a lot more time to worry about it without anything else. I totally understand. 
The good news is that so far your tests are coming back clear. The main test you wanted to have has been done with the scan. It could be your endo. That doesn't show up on a scan. So you've got another avenue to consider. Try and take the good results for what they are. 

Money wise. The math works (assuming she didn't take out another £50k) plus I don’t know how much you'd need to borrow to do it up. With the equity people do you have the ts&Cs on how much you have to repay. Whether it's to cheaper to settle before or after. Whether you have to settle before. I think aiming towards keeping the house is the best plan as it opens more options to you. 

You're doing so well still and I wish you all the best for the appointment today. Could the doctor give your mum his opinion on whether chemo is viable? I think it would be so hard to help her get through it so I totally agree with you. Xxxxxx

efes_shareholder

Scott_Weiland79 said:

Hi i have just being having a read after a long time off the forum i am sorry about your mam. I cant say the words but its horrible news. Is there no way your mum will drink those sports supplement shakes you can get in boots ie complan i think they are call we gave them to dad last year when he was going through chemo, just to get calories into his system as proper food just made him want to be sick.

Hi Scott
its good to see you back , we do have ensure drinks but she rarely wants those.
We have noticed though that sweets and chocolate tempt her , some things dont change eh - just a bit frustrating that she will consume the empty calories and only have a mouthful or two of the good ones. 
We don't know if we will get to the chemo stage but if she can barely eat now due to the nature of the cancer then god knows what will happen if she takes the heavy chemo drugs. 

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry about your mums diagnosis even though it was just confirming what you already knew. As you say you not only have to cope with helping her through this whether she goes for chemo or not  but also it might not be a great time to go house hunting given you don't know what the future holds for your mum and presumably she will need some sort of support while undergoing treatment.

Re the house  you just need to deduct the equity loan from the value then split the remainder 50/50. If you decide to stay in the house and can raise the 50% for your sisters share through your existing house sale and possibly a small mortgage top up that could work. So if the house is worth £375k and the equity loan £55k then the value to you and your sister on inheritance is £160k each so that is how much you would need to give your sister so assuming you use £100k of your house sale money you would also need a £60k mortgage. As you say not nice to think about but it is an option

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Sorry lovely. I keep getting signed out. 
I think you are right about the health anxiety but I think its totally understandable. Your mum has very quickly had her health flip. Yes looking back the signs were maybe a bit longer there but you could not have known. That in itself is terrifying. You've totally had the rug pulled from under you both. It's clearly not what your mum wanted and she's struggling to face it and you are all by yourself (the seriousness of it that is). You are having issues and symptoms. You aren't imagining them. Yes they could totally be down to stress but they are still happening. There is a pandemic happening so you have a lot more time to worry about it without anything else. I totally understand. 
The good news is that so far your tests are coming back clear. The main test you wanted to have has been done with the scan. It could be your endo. That doesn't show up on a scan. So you've got another avenue to consider. Try and take the good results for what they are. 

Money wise. The math works (assuming she didn't take out another £50k) plus I don’t know how much you'd need to borrow to do it up. With the equity people do you have the ts&Cs on how much you have to repay. Whether it's to cheaper to settle before or after. Whether you have to settle before. I think aiming towards keeping the house is the best plan as it opens more options to you. 

You're doing so well still and I wish you all the best for the appointment today. Could the doctor give your mum his opinion on whether chemo is viable? I think it would be so hard to help her get through it so I totally agree with you. Xxxxxx

I hope we get that opinion today , its so unknown as upon diagnosis I wasn't sure she was going to see mothers day and yet here we are. I'm grateful for that but at the same time if the end the result is the same I would be grateful for minimal pain and suffering and personally i think chemo will ramp that up
If I do my sums I think trying to retain this house will leave me around 40k to do any improvements needed , I don't know how much kitchens and bathrooms and garden refits cost but it sounds enough in my head.

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

Sorry about your mums diagnosis even though it was just confirming what you already knew. As you say you not only have to cope with helping her through this whether she goes for chemo or not  but also it might not be a great time to go house hunting given you don't know what the future holds for your mum and presumably she will need some sort of support while undergoing treatment.

Re the house  you just need to deduct the equity loan from the value then split the remainder 50/50. If you decide to stay in the house and can raise the 50% for your sisters share through your existing house sale and possibly a small mortgage top up that could work. So if the house is worth £375k and the equity loan £55k then the value to you and your sister on inheritance is £160k each so that is how much you would need to give your sister so assuming you use £100k of your house sale money you would also need a £60k mortgage. As you say not nice to think about but it is an option

hi
I'd also need to repay the equity loan which would be split 50/50 if i wanted to retain the house which would need to be done in order to prevent the house from being sold. thats where i get confused , its much more straight forward if the loan is cleared from the house sale.

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Sorry lovely. I keep getting signed out. 
I think you are right about the health anxiety but I think its totally understandable. Your mum has very quickly had her health flip. Yes looking back the signs were maybe a bit longer there but you could not have known. That in itself is terrifying. You've totally had the rug pulled from under you both. It's clearly not what your mum wanted and she's struggling to face it and you are all by yourself (the seriousness of it that is). You are having issues and symptoms. You aren't imagining them. Yes they could totally be down to stress but they are still happening. There is a pandemic happening so you have a lot more time to worry about it without anything else. I totally understand. 
The good news is that so far your tests are coming back clear. The main test you wanted to have has been done with the scan. It could be your endo. That doesn't show up on a scan. So you've got another avenue to consider. Try and take the good results for what they are. 

Money wise. The math works (assuming she didn't take out another £50k) plus I don’t know how much you'd need to borrow to do it up. With the equity people do you have the ts&Cs on how much you have to repay. Whether it's to cheaper to settle before or after. Whether you have to settle before. I think aiming towards keeping the house is the best plan as it opens more options to you. 

You're doing so well still and I wish you all the best for the appointment today. Could the doctor give your mum his opinion on whether chemo is viable? I think it would be so hard to help her get through it so I totally agree with you. Xxxxxx

its not a ultrasound i want , i really want a ct scan and some kind of pill cam but the experts dont think i warrant one.
i get the whole stress bit but i've been having these pains since before mums diagnosis , it seems to be a reoccuring circle of muscle aches  , belly pain , itching and a general sense of something isn't right - however since mums been ill for a long time before diagnosis perhaps they are all related. I guess time will tell 

Kitten868

Please don't think I was trying to minimise your pain or undermine you. I totally acknowledge that you are in pain and that something is wrong and that you deserve appropriate medical help. I wanted to be positive about what you have had done because I want to encourage you. I really wish you could have the answer and be well enough to not have that added difficulty. Xxxxx