taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Kitten868

I don't think it's ridiculous for you to pursue private treatment for yourself. I don't think those costs are crazy. I think for the peace of mind it would give you and how much it would take off your plate it would be worth considering definitely. You've got money set aside and you're already making enough phone calls all day. An answer either way will give you more power to move forward. 

How kind. Boxes of useless old stuff when you've got a lot going on. Just put them out the way for another time maybe?

I think daughter buying her own present is practical. My mum gets so annoyed at me for not doing that and loves it when I do. She knows what she wants and you're helping her. 

I love that you've got your mum a pandora. That's so sweet xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I don't think it's ridiculous for you to pursue private treatment for yourself. I don't think those costs are crazy. I think for the peace of mind it would give you and how much it would take off your plate it would be worth considering definitely. You've got money set aside and you're already making enough phone calls all day. An answer either way will give you more power to move forward. 

How kind. Boxes of useless old stuff when you've got a lot going on. Just put them out the way for another time maybe?

I think daughter buying her own present is practical. My mum gets so annoyed at me for not doing that and loves it when I do. She knows what she wants and you're helping her. 

I love that you've got your mum a pandora. That's so sweet xxxx

things are a little more settled now its the weekend , its not so frantic
Today I managed to pop out to fill the car up and drop some programmes to a friend who knows someone who uses them to decorate this walls ( each to their own but they have a home ) and between carers , my sister and aunt/uncle I managed a quick dash to marks and spencer for a ready made shep pie ( I hate cooking this , its so much cooking time for what you get )  and a later trip to B&M ( mums vape fluid) 
Mums ok ish but asked my sister whether the doctors had had any secret conversations with us so she needed some reassurance that we were as as much in the dark with things as she is. Have a  plan for the bioposy now , NM is going to drive me and mum over to the hospital and we will pick her up later that day , I'm taking the day unpaid as I'd like to retain some holiday in the hope I get to go away later in the year. Just after getting agreement with my boss to take it as unpaid ( HR are reluctant to let any one with holiday left take unpaid as there may be an influx of holiday booked when restrictions are lifted) HR emailed to say the company is now giving everyone an extra days holiday for their birthday and as my birthday has been I can take this up to the 4th April , I suggested I use it but my boss suggested I kept it for a "me" day and as I can afford to lose a days pay I thought it wasn't a bad idea. I've checked with the hospital and they have wheelchairs available so we dont need to worry about that side of things. I'm happier with this arrangement as I didnt like the thought of mum having such a big procedure and being "put on the bus" and I think she is definately happier knowing she will be taken and collected , its a fair trek but we will come home in the interum and the hospital have said basically we get there when we get there. 
Tomorrow my daughter is visiting mum and then i'm going over to NM's , My sister is taking over for the day until mum goes to bed and then I will be back very early on monday morning to get mum up and ready for the hospital and i'll collect her and in the evening my sister is going to stay over to do the observations and i'll go back to nm's and come back Tuesday before work , the rest of the week I'll be home with sis popping in where she can and the carers , NM will be back at work Tues evening so I get to spend some time with him whilst he is off. 
Things are falling in to place slowly.
My gripes are much improved at the moment , dont know if its because things are settling down or that I'm going for easy to digest food but I will keep an eye on things and am prepared to put my hand in my pocket should I need too.
Sister has asked to go halves on bracelet which is helpful as it was more then I would usually spend and means we can both get some big flowers which we know mum will like , shes always been a big one for mothers day. 

efes_shareholder

so , the bioposy has finally been done - what a day , up @ 4.30 am , home to wake mum up and get her up and ready and then in to the car and off to central london - why these hospitals have no suitable parking I do not know !! pretty sure having followed the hospitals advice i am going to end up with some kind of parking ticket not least because on collection we had to wait nearly 2 hours for the doctor who arrived to tell us everything we already know and nothing we didn't - I even had to invent school age children i dont have waiting at school for collection to try and get out sooner. NM drove us over , there is no way i could have managed mum and the lack of parking without it
Why do they place the hospitals in the centre of towns when most patients need help in and out of the place etc.
I spent last night at NM' s and my sister stayed over until lunch time , mum isnt great today - lots of morphine constipation going on so thats todays challenge.
My nephew has arrived down from his home a few hours away , hes always been a nannys boy and has said he is happy to stay if i need to escape so its really good to have him around , hes also a chef by trade ( obviously currently furloughed) so hopefully he can help out with some food suggestions too.
things seem calmer but still as chaotic if that makes sense.
Money wise everything is ticking along , my credit file just needs to catch up , its been pretty spendy with things we need to get in etc but thats all covered and i should be fine until the end of the month - have re upped my tesco card payment this month 
i'm a days wages down as i took the bioposy day unpaid ( just aswell I did as forgot to book hospital transport and they didnt even show up!) so need to factor that in at the end of this month.
Have an appointment for my ultrasound achieved via the doctors referral not the usual consultant last week , thats ths monday thats my birthday holiday gone now , my stomach has been better , have started taking some digestive enzymes which seem to be helping.
Now noticed a new dark mole/spot on my hand and its making me anxious as its darker then my other similar spots and new and i'm now thinking am i having some kind of health anxiety ????

efes_shareholder

todays word.................tired !
no particular reason other then broken sleep , will be putting some nytol on the shopping list but dreams a bit weird at the moment , last night i dreamt I wanted a big mac meal but whatever macdonalds I went too didnt have any or had operational problems and kept giving me £20 for my wasted visit.............bizarre I rarely eat the rubbish.
Small spend today , hairdressing scissors to attempt to cut mums fringe and a contribution towards my son's rail fare down at the weekend so nothing wasteful
keep looking at iphones , dont need one but want to switch back after years of samsung - have had to have a few words with myself and tell myself there is absolutely nothing wrong with my phone. 
Mum got some relief but not complete but today has been more settled. Sister and nephew arrived this morning for a few hours so I've shut away for a few hours after this to work  as she talks so much I can't focus on work. 
Middle sprog birthday tomorrow , really havent been as attentive to detail as I usually am but I will pick a cake up this evening so at least it feels a bit birthday like - think they die down as you get older anyway

Kitten868

Is there any compromises you could make about the iPhone? Older model or something? I'm a Samsung person and would hate to be stuck with an iPhone so I get why it's frustrating. 

Hope you have a lovely time with middle sprog tomorrow and I hope golden grandchild eases things for your mum. Lovely people always help and a bit of change is nice. 
Glad you managed the biopsy as painlessly as possible despite every possible obstacle. Xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Is there any compromises you could make about the iPhone? Older model or something? I'm a Samsung person and would hate to be stuck with an iPhone so I get why it's frustrating. 

Hope you have a lovely time with middle sprog tomorrow and I hope golden grandchild eases things for your mum. Lovely people always help and a bit of change is nice. 
Glad you managed the biopsy as painlessly as possible despite every possible obstacle. Xxxx

I can't indulge the want , I don't need a new phone , its a simple as.
I have a S9 and there is nothing wrong with it , no cracks , no operational problems so i just need to carry on fancying one and not spend a fortune on something that I have no need for.
Other things are priority right now , maybe when i have cleared the debt I can indulge but there are many other things needed in the future , I still aim to have my own property etc , just slight curveball on when that may happen or where that may be.

efes_shareholder

i've identified that i am absolutely suffering some health anxiety , I'm googling every slight itch / twitch /pain or slight inperfection in my anatomy.
I'm looking at sypmtons of every possible illness and making notes of the next test I need to ask for - I need to stop ! Dr google and I are on first name terms and every single sympton on anything is always a sympton of cancer of some kind - Do I need some kind of counselling. 
Today I've been checking lymph nodes and my neck sore with the amount of prodding and poking I've been doing ,I don't even know what I'm feeling for !!  I've convinced myself I could have renal cancer where as I could just as easy have a UTI or kidney infection.
I don't know if its because of the situation and the environment but i do know that I have done it in the past and I need to stop doing it now - I'm wearing myself out.
I need to make sure I am eating and sleeping well ( constantly tired at the moment ) and take my multi vits and it should all adjust , I'm pretty sure a lot of what I am feeling is anxiety related but lets be honest how can you ever know.
My stomach scan is monday , also had another appt through from our private hospital after the telephone consultation for end of month ( so no 6-10 week wait) which I will keep as 2 opinions are better then one ! Nephew is staying both sunday and monday night so I can go to NM's and I hope this does me the world of good and takes my mind of any little aches and niggles I may have.
I can't vape before the stomach scan so I am going to take the oppurtunity to switch to low dose patches which I have been saying I will for ages and then the vape can be gone and hopefully the patches will be too.
Picking my son up late tonight so need to be relatively awake and alert , not spending any money too pre occupied diagnosing myself with whatever illness I find on google

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder stress and anxiety deffo make symptoms worse and make you over interpret.  Sorry I hope that doesn't sound judgemental; what I'm trying to say is that it's one way of processing all your current worries.   If you weren't feeling something at the moment, you'd be a robot.  Is there anything you can do to help switch off as I do think you need a break and a treat; visit to NM sounds just the job but I think you need something daily.  You are doing wonderfully well, keep going love Humdinger x 

alt80

@efes_shareholder mate I've been there re health anxiety it's !!!!!! awful. Wound up having a lot of unnecessary and very unpleasant tests I'd rather not go into for something I'd persuaded myself I had. Some private providers took my money regardless of there being little in the way of evidence. I kept looking until I found one that did it. I was up for nights on end reading medical journals doing coke and yeah I don't fail to see the irony in that either before you say it. 

Take care of yourself. Could be worth doing some of the chill apps and speaking to a counsellor. Not saying it is health anxiety so do get symptoms checked out. I used to be and still am to some extent convinced medical professional fob me off put it down to drugs/ mental health. Try to trust - get a 2nd opinion and leave it there. Easier said than done 100% but it's !!!!!! torture when you're going through it know that much.

efes_shareholder

Evening
Still in discomfort and loads of acid reflux . Spent Sunday and Monday at NM's , Sunday was particularly uncomfortable and I had a lot of anxiety going on 
Normal meds did little to allievate anything and I woke up with pain around 1am so had to re medicate. Had my scan booked for Monday afternoon but decided to go to a and e to try and bypass the system...... they checked me over , urine and blood tests and an ECG , my heart beats incredibly slow ! They said they would arrange a scan but that meant book an appt so as I had no red flags I went off to my orginal appt which failed to show anything......  so now I've got to go back to my GP again and press for further tests when I dont have any red flags to get it done quicker ......... yesterday was a better day but today the pain is back again ........ the ultrasound did show I had a belly full of gas ! 
Had coeliac blood test today so I guess I'll see what that shows and go from there - will ask my dr for a referral for private tests too 
I'm wondering if private is going to give me any peace of mind unless I have a complete body scan !! 
I'm now thinking it could be part of my endimistrosis , im really exploring all angles and I'm going to look at an anti inflammatory diet too.
My debts seem to be the least of my worries at the moment, im even considering signing up for bupa!