taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Thanks for taking the time to read

It always seems a good idea to look for the answers in the wine bottle - I have bypassed this now as I don't want the extra poundage !

It is a bit of a nightmare - to be honest he has let me down so many times that it hasn't upset me this time , I just know I am done with it and it is time to move myself on
However prepared you are , these things are still a bit of an emotional drain and always trickier when you have mutual and joint friendship groups and will inevitably cross paths so if it all possible it would be nice if we could just be friends with history !

I havent decided re next weekend - I really would like to go and we have been talking as friends but i know that behind this he will be hoping he can talk me around again and i am not interested in being involved on that level any more
I can deal with that , I am not sure if he can
It just seems a shame to miss out on things that we both enjoy just because our relationship has changed

efes_shareholder

Hurry up payday !!!

Sitting in my overdraft - this is the time when I usually throw caution to the wind with the justification that its only a few days until pay day

There always seems to be more "month" then "money"

efes_shareholder

A friend of mine is moving overseas and has offered me the chance to take her property over just to keep it ticking over ( basically covering the bills etc)
Its very tempting and will prob work out very similar to what I currently pay to stay at home except I will have to purchase my own food - AS previously explained being back at home is a challenge sometimes particulary as there seems to be little care for the home however I feel bad absconding

I am going to be away for 9 days from Friday so I guess that will give me the oppurtunity to gauge how my mum copes in my absence
She should be ok

My worry is that I know I give her more money than what I cost to keep and being a pensioner I think she has come to rely on the assistance

Will I drop her in it by vacating ? At the same time I am mid forties and being back in my own personal space is very very tempting

efes_shareholder

So I am back from visiting relatives.....................

To update ( if there is anyone out there!)

I decided to attend the weekender having made it clear to the X that it wouldn't change the situation - In hindsight , I should have stayed at home
We had a big fall out on the first night ( prob not helped by copious amounts of alcohol) which resulted in him loading the car up to leave - this all down to his frustrations that I would not reconsider my desicion
He really does not handle his emotions well
Fortunately I managed to talk him out of leaving in anger - I wouldn't have minded except 1 - I would then be stranded and 2 - he had been drinking and was a danger to himself and others
I made myself scarce where I could after this as he was walking round with a face like a slapped bum and everyone was looking at me as if I was responsible !!!!!!!
The rest of the weekend was ok , but in hindsight I should have known that this would happen and i should have stayed home !!

Fotunately I was able to abscond after this and I've had a lovely cheap few days away with my kids in the sunshine and conquered the fear of driving abroad so from a personal point of view this is very pleasing and gives me the confidence to do so again when I return next

In Money news , I have today switched my phone to SIM ONLY and avoided the temptation of ordering a new handset and starting a new contract
I do need a new phone really as mine is battle worn however it works and is operational so hopefully I can live with it a little longer
The switch to Sim only will be saving me £28 a month

efes_shareholder

I don't know whats wrong with me but for the past 24 hours I have wanted to just spontanously burst in to tears and I don't know why !

Having been on anti depressants in the past I need to be aware of how I am feeling - I am hoping that its just a hormonal thing or some kind of blip
I don't want to focus on it too much as there is a risk that i will then allow a dark cloud to hang over my head and stoop lower and lower so I am trying not to think about it and just ride the waves

Even the football is not exciting me - I should be enjoying the respark for the national team but its just going past me and instead of being social I am planning on watching the game alone

I have an invite to a friends party on saturday and I cant be bothered to go

I really hope this passes and I can find some positivity - Its beautiful weather and I should be making the most of it or I will regret when we have a long cold winter

The finances are fortunately all under control - Moving the direct debits has left a clear outline of what cash is available to me for the rest of the month and there is a big improvement on the balance when I look back at a similar time last month
My aim is to only purchase the basics - I need fuel and I need a weekly sunbed other then that there is nothing that I need. ( other then maybe someone to take me in to a corner and give me a good talking too )

Working_Mum

I am sorry you are feeling a bit low efes_shareholder - at least you are aware of how you are feeling and can divert your thoughts a little bit.

Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to reach out for help if you feel things going in that direction.

((BIG HUGS))

WM x

efes_shareholder

Thank you WM x

I am trying to be kind and let it pass through me and hopefully it will

It just frustrates me as I know that compared to many others I am extremely blessed and I should be appreicating that

It's not always easy though if your brain is wired slightly differently and as I said before , there is a family history xx

NelliePie

Hi ES,
I've just found your diary and read the lot and I have to say you're doing incredibly well. I'm surprised you don't have more comments. You've made some big changes to your spending and attitude towards money; and you seem to have a better handle on your budgets and know your triggers.

As many have suggested in other threads, looking into and sorting out finances forces you to look at other areas of your life and give them a tidy up too, breaking bad habits both financially and personally. You've definitely seem to have done that! You know whats good for your and for your budget - I can sympathise that its not easy but you're going in the right direction. You're bound to have ups and downs but keep going, you'll be debt free in no time.
NP

efes_shareholder

Thank you for taking the time to reply Nellie , I read a lot and don't always comment so I understand that there are many different kinds of forum users but it always nice to know people have taken the time to read and also input - The Journey of life often feels lonely so thank you for sharing my experiences

I think you are spot on , making financial changes does make you evaluate all areas of your life and yes I am trying to mould my life for the future , in my personal / love life I have become very despondant of late however sometimes these things are a lesson , sometimes they are a blessing and sometimes they are both - I need to remind myself regularly of my worth
If I can get the credit report / debts and budgeting under control then there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can't own my own property again in the future , I also need to remind myself of this too !!

Working_Mum

There is always something to be truly grateful for I have found!! Some days you have to look a bit harder but there is always something!

I had an enforced "life laundry" when my marriage broke up 10 years ago - I was sad for a long time but resolved to deal with things in an emotionally healthy way so my future self could live without regrets. It was at the time of Rhonda Byrne "The Secret" launch and so much of it (the law of attraction) resonated with me - I did a vision board about what I wanted my future to look like and it really helped me focus my attention on things I can influence and change i.e me

I would recommend starting a vision board for your future goals and it may help you focus on what is important to you but more importantly it is a reminder of why you are doing what you are doing every day!

Wishing you a truly awesome day!

((hugs))

WM x