taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

I've decided to keep my flex too , it saves me having to think about travel insurance and also the breakdown cover has been invaluable ( even used for a couple of my family) plus HSBC wouldn't give me the account with the benefits so to term it nicely , they can poke it.

I've made it quite clear to the ex that he will always be just that - I am going to try and retreat slightly , his family are all now aware so its time really for them to take up the reigns

Saw NM last night and Friday but we didn't venture , We are off out on friday to London with some of his friends so that should be nice but I am going to have to be sensible as I am taking my kids to Barcelona early hours of saturday

Had a mad weekend - went to london as my daughter and BFF were doing a promo for the company my other daughter works for which basically involved posing in bras , I have never been blessed in that department so was going along basically for encouragement and the lunch date after - lo and behold I ended up being coherced in to it also after agreeing to be measured ( and standing defiant that I didn't meet their criteria) it turns out as I have a small back my bust is slightly bigger then I ever thought and after telling the girls to step out of their comfort zone i had no option but to drink my medicine
so there we wiggingly around in a shop window , plastered over instagram and walking down baker street in just my shorts and bra - I have to admit I enjoyed every moment and also got a free bra ( RRP £36) ! I was so grateful that I have been so dedicated to the gym prior to this , I was almost like a peacock strutting around with my nearly flat belly which compensated that I was a big fraud in the bust arena !
It felt so liberating and we had a celebrationary lunch in TGI ( expensive)
I got back from there and literally got changed and went out with my friends for a birthday dinner and drinks = result , a very expensive weekend

I will be pulling my belt in for the rest of the month - am becoming more aware that 3 months ago I was going to corfu and in 3 months time its xmas !!

efes_shareholder

so its nearly time to go to barcelona with the kids and ive typically been hit with the office lurgie

i've got through the day with the assistance of cold remedies and fresh orange juice however i am pretty sure tomorrow will be a sick day just to give me a fighting chance of feeling better ...............what rotten timing

efes_shareholder

Still have an unaccounted for laptop - tempted to sell , would love to return it but slightly concerned it may alert the problem

back from the kids xmas present trip to Barca - had a fantastic weekend but very heavy on the pocket being a site seeing tourist.
we saw everything we wanted too and had a great time - most important we made memories and enjoyed some time of just us

Its fair to say its pretty much emptied my pockets for the rest of the month
I do have what we spent set aside however I am going to try and see if I can cover this from the salary and leave the money in place

I've hit the gym since I've been back although I've jarred a tendon in my elbow putting cases in the car so I have only been doing the bike but anything is better then anything

My ladies visitor is in residence else I would have weighed tonight - I may jump on the scales when I get home just to see where they are sitting
I don't feel I've made much loss progress the last few weeks but after my impromptu photo shoot I got lots of compliments so I'm pretty certain its noticable to other people

efes_shareholder

Not a huge amount to report on

I'm nuturing every drop of diesel in the car and looking forward to a restful weekend
I'm spending most of it with NM which will be lovely as we haven't spent any length of time together for a week or so

We are visiting his best friend on the sat and will find something to do of the evening , saw the comedy club when we were out in greenwich last week and quite fancy checking this out

I am however a little bit low on funds so I shall allow him to lead as he is a gentleman and generally insists on paying where as I am a modern women and like to feel like I am contributing

Still in contact with the Ex and am concerned for his wellbeing but trying to keep a reasonable distance - hes had the shivers and fatique the last few days which he has put down to a virus but I fear is a knock on affect of his cancer. He just about managed to get to the shops for some provisions , I did offer to go if he couldn't as its not easy living alone and feeling poorly and then I was in the wrong for not wanting to visit him regardless !!
Hes had several blood transfusions recently one for cell replacement and one for iron
The concern is that they have been unable to locate the primary cancer so it makes treatment much more difficult
I try not to consult doctor google but the prognosis is not great - I know he wants me to be there for him in a capacity which I am unable to do so ( regardless of whether there is a new man or not , nothing changes my stance). His sister has been in contact with me so I will maybe just tell her that he has been unwell and hopefully it won't get laid on me so much
Sometimes I wish I had a much harder heart

efes_shareholder

happy monday people

Spent the weekend with NM as expected , we had dinner out on Fri , went in to town on the sat and ended up making some random friends in the pub garden before going off to deepest essex to visit his friends
I cooked dinner for us at his place last night
We did have our first issues on Friday which was one of trust and something how I am not sure how I am going to play out - my past makes me very tentative toward trusting men and I don't buy many stories , but without going in to massive details I am not convinced he is being 100% honest with me , however I think we both now know what is expected of each other and he has made it perfectly clear that there won't be a repeat performance and that he wants to progress with me and wants me as part of his life
Time is going to tell on this , I didn't like the situation but am prepared to give the benefit but the slightest little sign of anything being up and I am going to be on my toes !!!
I am going over to his this evening and I think we need a further chat on the events which lead to it etc else I am going to sit on my thoughts and i think its best to put them out there

Finances are pretty ruined for the rest of this month however had my meal out with the girls money back to me today so thats petrol covered and I shouldn't really need anything else

I still like I'm very much winging things and just moving things around alot but I will get to a point of control and have not booked any 2020 holidays YET !

efes_shareholder

I didnt have the chat , I arrived and he was shattered from a busy day so I thought better of it
Its playing on mind however so I will have to broach it , otherwise its going to snowball in my mind and become a much bigger issue

My ex has been diagnosed with advanced Renal cancer which can't be cured - I really feel for him,
I went over to see him as everybody needs support at times like this.
hes lost so much weight and although being as hopeful as he can be about the future , he looks slightly broken.
The NM actually suggested I go and told me to do so whenever I felt I should , I won't be doing it frequently
It quite upset me and I wasn't quite sure what the correct thing to say was.

I've got 12 days to payday and everythings left the account so its just a matter of nursing the account through to the remainder.
I have to get to grips with this budget - I need to give myself some tough love
I seem to take 3 steps forward and 2 back and not really clearing that I want too

efes_shareholder

so today I am waiting tentatively to see Thomas Cook's fate .......have an outbound leg booked with them next weekend to see my dad

It was a great deal so it if all goes belly up I will have to decide whether to write the trip off and lose the return leg and car park fees or try and find an alternative route.............choices , choices

Back in to the gym now my arm has healed , weighed myself and I'm a stone down since the end of July so more then happy with that
Its been a great £17.99 investment.

Am scheduled a night out tomorrow but I think its wise to miss it , I was only going to see some friends who are coming from afar - its held in a hotel so I may instead just take a 20 minute drive to see them before the night commences and just have a quick catch up drink , it will save me the entrance fee

efes_shareholder

so this morning I've had to rebook my thomas cook flight this weekend

My dad was really looking forward to seeing us and offered to go halves on the additional flight cost so bit the bullet and away we go
Slightly annoying as I only arranged the trip as the round trip cost less than £50 a person ............annoying too as I could have gone british airways at that point too and avoided this
Still we aren't to know these things.

efes_shareholder

6 more days until payday !!

I have have have to get a grip on the budget and also sell the surplus laptop

Tonight I am off to the football ( prob shouldnt be going ) my work mate son has just signed proffesional for the opposition and we were hoping he would play but he has picked up an injury
The managing director and another guy from work are going so I am hoping they will take the company credit card and get the drinks in !!

My dad bless him has sent the money over for our replacement flights however I've made a claim to my c/c so hopefully will be reimbursed

I finally had the chat with the NM this morning - Signs are positive and at least we are able to communicate and talk about things without aggro
hes away himself at one of our events this weekend and has urged me to call him whenever I want but I don't want to be the clingy girlfriend or a nuisance so I probably will stick to just a message here and there.

efes_shareholder

Oh and further news , my daughter has had an offer accepted on a flat for her and her boyfriend
Its london so its a ridiculous amount of money but its the lifestyle they want and its affordable to them so I need to get excited for them