taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

pidge04

Good luck with giving yourself some extra me time and self-care. So important x

efes_shareholder

Happy monday people - Today I am emotionally drained

Its my daughters birthday but sadly its been a bit marred by a disagreement and we both ended up very upset
If feels like a mountain has come from a mole hill but it also feels like the situation could have been avoided.

We viewed a car and bought it basically and need to go back to collect it - she asked her dad to help with this , which would be 2 hours of his life.
The thought was I drive us all there and he sat with her whilst she drove back - pretty straight forward and pretty simple.

He then as expected threw a spanner in the works by saying that he would go in his car with his gf and my daughter could go with me and he would come back with her and let gf drive his car back and daughter come back with him
Now , if she is about he will hardly converse with me and the GF doesnt talk to me at all , in fact there is no love lost between the two of us.
Its a long story but basically she is very get your feet under the table , feels threatened by me and very early in the relationship pulled rank that I couldn't be in the house if she was.
She has had friends or our mutual friends stalking me on fb and when i have been in the house and said hello she has point blank ignored me

I have absolutely no interest or need to be in her company - my daughter said she was going to have to upset someone so she was just going to tell her that if he wanted to waste his petrol etc then to bring her.
I automatically felt uncomfortable with the situation so stepped aside and said I was not going to be in that situation and they could take her

I can't win

Now according to her and her older sibling I'm being selfish and petty - I really don't get why he cant just do something for his child without her !!!

My older kids now want the rift healed but you know what , as immature ( and I'll admit there is an element of cutting nose off to spite face ) I neither want too or need to change things
Apparantly after a conversation with them they are prepared to make things more comfortable and be amicable but I was always prepared to do that ! Instead I have been excluded from my own blooming house and been given the cold shoulder and I am expected to just forget that now the gf wants to be more involved
( and I am sure she has one eye on attending my sons graduation)

anyway - its much more complicated and vast then that and its a pity my children cant see my view point , but hey ho

Its been quite an upsetting experience and as this generation seem to converse in text rather then in conversation , I've had to listen to quite a lot of hurtful remarks which are hard to swallow

In other news , the ship is going to be tight this month - Weekend wasn't too terrible but I ended up in the pub on saturday night with my friend , my nephew joining us after his ship and sinking far too much wine
I'd already bought a take out for the evening and drunk that also so it was no surprise my head hurt yesterday

Kitten868

Me and my mum fell out on her birthday this week. Don't be too upset. I don't think they don't see your point of view, I think it's that they can rely on you and get you to do what they want. They can't with him. His proposition sounds insane and that's even if you're all amicable.

Try again with her.

I'm not surprised you're struggling mentally. Overworked and crap living conditions that are out of your control. I think you need to get some control back. Get a rigid moving out plan? You can do this xxx

efes_shareholder

Thank you - i think sometimes I take things too personally and I also get frustrated that its me thats expected to compromise and be the bigger person regardless of how I've been treat for the last 3 years

I am there mother , the new gf should have accomodated me , not the other way round

Anyway , we have made some peace and I have told the kids I wont be in a situation where I made to feel uncomfortable.
I'm also not interested in being "friends" and although it was put to me it would be easier for me to come in the house etc , I don't need too.
I dealt with how things were a long time ago and won't suddenly feel welcome so why change it

I felt very ganged up on and I know the GF has ulterior motives but according my daughters that is nonsense.

I do need to look at where I live , this isn't a long term plan and to be honest its more difficult than I ever I thought it would be
Its not helped that I now know my mum relies on my income and although I need to stabilise my finances before I can do it , I would also like to think I would not be leaving her in the brown stuff

I'm sorry to hear you have fallen out with your mum - it feels so rubbish doesn't it.
I hope you can put it to bed soon.

ftbwannabe

Hey efes, just been catching up on diaries. belated happy new year! from having just read the last 3 months of posts all in one go, I can see how much you've been handling - wow!
Lots of reasons to be proud (& a couple of fab holidays), but also loads of things which could have worn you down so you're not feeling brilliant RN. Time to look after yourself if you can, take some downtime & not-worrying time. Easy to say, I know, but the alternative is continuing to be worn down instead of getting back to 'yay! i feel 100%!'
Don't forget too that giving up smoking has a massive effect on your body & brain. I've kept clear of fags since December & had lots of small bugs & coughs since then while my body clears out, & I remember back when I gave up the 20-a-day habit (about 10 years ago) I was unprepared for the emotional punch that was. And the see-saw effect of when I gave in & had one sometimes. The ripple effect of giving up lasts longer than we might think, but the health & £ benefits pay off.
Hope you get a calm week with family & some spoiling from friends - or yourself.

efes_shareholder

Thanks FT - Lovely to see you here.

I'll have a little catch up on your diary when I get a moment.

I am going to take a step back on a couple of things , I've felt overwhelmed a lot lately and have tried to just shut myself away from the world.
Its a shame we can't switch it off sometimes and just step off.

Well done with the no smoking - I've got by with my vapes and patches when I need them , Fortunately my mum and sister are also onboard so its the three of us together.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you are in a difficult position. Not living in your family home where presumably your ex, his GF and your adult kids are living? Instead you are living with your mum which comes with its own set of problems which undoubtedly will get worse rather than better as she gets older and comes to rely on you not only financially but also for care needs which increase for most of us the older we get.

I personally would bite the bullet and look into getting somewhere of your own even if it means foregoing the holidays which I guess are a sort of escape for you. Only a suggestion though and that is only me putting myself in your position which actually no one else can do.

The situation sounds difficult with you and your kids but hopefully it will blow over. Sometimes we need to take a step back and let them sort out their own problems. The GF sounds a bit threatened by you TBF.

enthusiasticsaver

If you moved out could your mum downsize and move to somewhere easier for her to look after?

efes_shareholder

Hi ES - she possibly could , its a solution , It would bring its own problems.

She isn't really isn't in a physical condition to deal with a move.

To be honest her problems aren't with the upkeep of the house - she is mortgage free and has little outgoings for the property
Her outgoings are over 50% off historical debt.

She has contacted a couple of the creditors and got the payments down to a £1.

I think she would be reluctant to be uprooted and go through the upheaval of sorting through 43 years of life there , Also she has always been very protective of the house since fighting for it in the seperation to my dad and its something she wants to leave

I don't know the right solution for her , shes mentioned downsizing before but its completely unrealistic to expect her to be able to manage this herself.

Kitten868

ES, I meant that I totally agree with you regarding the chaperoning the new car thing. It doesn't make any sense to do it how they suggested and did not need to include the gf. I simply meant that your kids trust you enough to be annoyed with you and know it'll be ok. They don't have that with her. I do not think that means you should be the door mat. I'm glad it's worked out ok.

As for you moving out. I know it's not that easy - that's why I said about a plan. If your mum gave up smoking and got onto £1 plans with her creditors would that be enough money for her? Or could you try and write to creditors about her situation and get them to write off the debts? It's a massive ask on you and I know she won't let you in enough to talk about it. But if you made a plan of how to get out is what I meant. Like stage 1. Saving up enough stage 2. Get mum solvent. And then working out how.

I'm most definitely on your side about all of it I even understand all the holidays xxx