taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81974752#Comment_81974752

I think he knew it wouldn't sit well with me but he choose to make his own choice none the less.

Had he told I may not have liked it but I would have respected the choice - I would have had to support it if it was a choice he was happy with.

The fact he has not volunteered the choice is the real issue here and I can't help but feel he has prioritised not letting the promoter down over how I would feel about it

I have told him I feel let down massively …………that his choice has jeopordised the relationship as since he confirmed with the promoter 2 weeks ago that he will attend he has made the choice not to tell me every single day since.

Newstartforme

That is really not good , hard to know you live with someone that could keep quiet about an important issue for a full 2 weeks , hope it all works out xx

dawnybabes

I’d be furious too, it’s the total lack of respect here. At least own your decision

efes_shareholder

yes , I am calmer today but still annoyed as F over the situation - it cannot be repeated ! It is not the choice he has made ( although that is relevent ) that is his to make - it is the secrecy and lack of disclosure of that choice

He obviously does not trust me to react any way but badly and has removed the oppurtunity for me to do anything but but concealing the outcome.

I actually typed the scenerio in to AI last night , a completely outbiased outline of what the situation was and how it had come about …………….that is me trying to validate my feelings round it as I am straight in to flight or fight mode and upset within the nervous system

Anyway I am not planning on going , I am away alot in June ( a weeks holiday and a week at an event once again supporting him) and for the next two weekends and I want to see more of my darling grandson , I wish he lived just round the corner but he doesn't so the only oppurtunity to see him is the weekends , i am already missing the next two and don't really want to make it 3 in a row. There is new baby coming later in the year and i would like to be available to help out if needed and also I would rather go somewhere new ! and not back to somewhere which was a bad experience last year. The annual leave is better used elsewhere.

He has offered to pay for me to go out for a few days and if it wasn't a 12 hour journey each way with flights , transfers and time difference and it didnt mean missing another entire weekend then I may have been tempted under my own conditions - I would have insisted that we stayed at our usual apartments rather then the event hotel and I would not have attended any of the events he was working and would have used the time to chill and do some shopping and visit some faces i know in the resort. I know the resort well as I have been visiting for over 20 years.

Anyway I am pretty certain it won't be happening - I cannot see any benefit of returning somewhere which was a bad experience for me last year.

efes_shareholder

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81975272#Comment_81975272

I think I'm past furious - just no words

efes_shareholder

So I have calmed down.

reality is I am living with a conflict avoidant , assigned me guilty of the conflict before deliverying the news and making it 10 times worse by with holding information , or not volunteering it

its been spoken about , I can't keep going on about it - he has not yet booked flights and I have told him I wont be going ! explained that planning without me would have annoyed me but it was the secrecy around it that really stung.

we move on.

this weekend was yet another event that finished late last night , was not able to get the day off work so I am in work with just 4 hours sleep from 8pm - 12 last night. it is going to be a long long day.

Good news is I didnt spend very much at said event so maybe even a little bit of credit will be left from this months wages come pay day on Thursday - they will be heading in to the savings should they exist

car insurance due by the end of this week , nm has said he will give me some money , I took it last year and i intend too again !!!!

Newstartforme

Glad things are a bit calmer . It takes me a long time to get to the not going on about it stage ! Does the promoter not book the flights for NM ? Or is it a case of claiming the expenses back ? Xx

ArtyJ931

This story is all so full of red flags that I would like to suggest a book to you - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your partner (I don’t know what NM stands for) behaviour sounds coercively controlling to me - you are only allowed to react in ways he has agreed for example. Let alone everything else. If it’s something you would like to rule out as a possibility I would highly recommend the book above.

This is not ok. Just to validate that what you are feeling is 100% right.

efes_shareholder

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81979406#Comment_81979406

The promoter has said he will give him a sum and his flights and expenses have to be covered from that. NM has to book his own flight , as a master procasinator this has not yet been done and the clock is ticking.

I guess if you want a cheap holiday its not a bad deal , except its not really a holiday as from 7.30 - 1.30 you are stopping the general public from entering a private party so it isn't really a holiday if that makes sense - DJ's turn up , play an hour and then can do whatever they want which is holiday and party.

Another bug bearer of mine is the way the promoter handles the event and him - usually you would expect 2 people on the door yet he is too greedy and only takes NM , last time if he left the door to go to the toilet I was covering or if he was explaining to people they couldn't come in and people slipped past his blindside , the promoter reacted badly and spoke to him in the most appalling tone. hes a big guy but he does not possess eyes in the back of his head.

it just wasn't a positive experience last year , i came home extremely upset last year and although I did discuss with NM the possibility of going just for a few days , its a long journey which is something i would have to do on a short turnaround and now with how it has been handled i think that will be in my head and lead to another negative experience. We are away twice in June once on a working holiday where he works with 4 other security and gets paid , and gets his flight covered and once to the same resort as the event , I dont need a "cheap holiday" that much. NM has offered to pay for me to go but its really not about the money.

efes_shareholder

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81979734#Comment_81979734

Hi Arty , I am going to take a look at the book and I will read it

He is absolutely an avoidant and yes the control thing does resonate and register with me - if he manages situations the way he does to avoid conflict as he says , then firstly he has to accept that its unrealistic to never have any situations where your opinions conflict and secondly that he either "manages or controls" the reaction after by his silence. Neither am I going to continue to tolerate.

There has been alot of honest talking - ALOT of it , mainly from me.

Thank you for the post and the recommendation of the book ,

I am off to amazon now