Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

1LuckyLady

I hope you've had a nice day with your Bestie, I meet my friend only once a month for a coffee, just the two of us and we both often refer to it as our counselling session. We both get loads off our chest and always feel better for it.

crazy_cat_lady

Evening everyone :coffee:
Just catching up on here before the Bodyguard starts then off to bed for an early night. I had a dreadful night's sleep last night - less than 5 hours by the time that my frequent waking and worry had done their job. I've dug out my 'rescue pack' that I made for myself when I had CBT a few years ago. I wrote it when I felt good to try and pull myself round when I felt bad again. Trouble is, when I'm as bad as this, I read the stuff and just don't believe it. My brain is truly disgusting sometimes... However, I am going to keep on keeping on.
I'm reassured that I'm not the only one who feels a bit rusty at teaching come September, so thanks for that. I'm nervous about tomorrow, but that just seems to be the default position at the moment.
I went out with bestie as planned today, and dd decided she would like to come as the boys were staying with bestie's dh. I didn't spend much at all. Bestie had wanted to get an ear piercing done, and while we were there, dd decided that she would like to get her bellybutton pierced for her birthday. So we got it done while we were there - it's a proper tattoo and piercing studio, and I wanted to make sure that she got it done under my supervision rather than sneaking off with her friends. Other than that, no spends - it was bestie's turn to buy the coffees (I had a pumpkin spice latte because it's that time of year again ), we had a good look round the shops and then came home mid afternoon.
I decided to finish a box set I'd been watching (Sharp objects - brilliant) and then do some work, but I'm just too tired. I desperately need to do this stuff for the exam board before Friday so I'm going to have to make some time - I thought that would be today but I'm genuinely shattered. It will take about 4 hours so I can do it, and I need the money, and I want to do a good job so it can't be tonight.
By the way, I haven't been all afternoon and evening watching telly - ds reported that the trampoline had broken when he'd been on it with his friend. I went to look and it had rusted through, so I told him it was beyond repair and I decided to take it down there and then to remove any temptation. I admit to more nostalgia, grieving and 'what if' stuff while I was doing that. It's like the end of an era because the trampoline has been there since ds was 3 (he's nearly 10), and with that on top of my girl all growing up.... I just feel like I don't really know what my purpose is in life at the moment, and what I should be doing. The kids are everything to me and I love my job, but the home situation has been a big change, and whilst there's no way on earth ex would have ever helped to dismantle the trampoline - it's still sometimes a bit strange thinking that it's just me now. I feel very needy. I feel like I need a lot of company, a lot of reassurance, and a lot of people to talk to at the moment. I don't know how normal that is, but I'm just going to keep going on here...

DawnW

((Hugs)) CCL, sorry you are having a bad time at the moment, and right at the beginning of the school year. Might it be an idea to see your GP about the anxiety issue?

Honeysucklelou2

It sounds entirely normal to me! I find that my job, as well as being something I love to do, is a help to me as it's a solid constant when home life can be stressful and unpredictable regarding the ex. I confess that I'm learning how to do certain things that the ex would have done before. Some are things I've enjoyed learning and others ( like building the toddler's birthday toy) can be more of a steep learning curve. Recognising those flashes of grief as being grief for what might have been, I think, is part of the process.

One thing a colleague said to me last year, when I was worrying about one of my children, was that I had to realise that sometimes that's how teenagers are and not because of the home situation. I was attributing everything that went wrong to being because of me being separated ( and the guilt) but I've had to learn ( and am still learning) that some things are as they are because it's a normal teenage reaction. Hope that makes some sense!

SpekySquarehead

CCL - For what it's worth, I too find silence at bed time is when my mind wanders and worries. Which is why that ever night for the last few years, I listen to either the radio or a podcast when I go to sleep to help distract me from things like that which will keep me up all night.

Also, my DM and I are relatively close and I could see some of her pain when I was growing up and getting older and she was seemingly loosing her little boy. But I rely on my mum now as much as I did when I was younger. So try not to feel like you lack purpose, you'll always be an awesome mum and that won't be forgotten by the kids.

Hope you slept better last night.

crazy_cat_lady

Hey :hello:
Thank you so much for all of your kindness. I'm still feeling rubbish, and still really angry with myself for feeling so down. I did sleep better last night, but another full teaching day with duty and a meeting has left me quite tired again this evening. I have thought about going back to the docs Dawn, but I am weighing up the pros and cons. Truth is that it's a stressful time in my life, no matter how much I don't want it to be, and that a lot of my worry and anxiety is because of money, and the divorce, and readjusting to being just me... I am hopeful that once it's all over then I'll start to feel better and move on properly.
And Speky - you brought a tear to my eye (in a good way). I hope that my kids know that I'll always be here for them, and I hope they'll always be around and about and not too far away.
Teaching felt better today - you're right HSL, just a case of getting back into it - even though it's been a baptism of fire. It's taken my mind off everything else that has been going on at least for a few hours. It's been busy though.
However, ups and downs continue. I got up this morning to find 4 tiles from my bathroom wall in the bath, having fallen off the wall. Again, not something that I can put off with the bath and shower being a bit of an essential. But the money thing is getting to me - I think that is the main stress. I can see my spending way more than I have, and the costs just keep coming. However, I've rang the man that fixed my bathroom and he's been round to have a look - and is going to get back to me with a quote. Fingers crossed. I wish I could afford a whole new bathroom, from floor to ceiling...
Also rang my solicitor for an update, as it's been all quiet for a few weeks. Apparently there's a letter due to me this week - something to do with a consent order. I'll need to google what that is.
And I have made a start on the exam stuff. I've had to do a lot of reading though, and needed to take a break as I just couldn't keep concentrating through a world of scientific research - loads of long words and difficult ideas to get your head round. I'm going back to it in a sec as it has to be done soon. No more excuses.

foxgloves

You do have a lot of big stuff going on, CCL, as well as a demanding job. You're doing well to keep things going. You can get a proper handle on your finances soon - once the divorce is over, you can get a firm budget in place..Just stick to pretty much essential spending until then xx

crazy_cat_lady

foxgloves wrote: »

You do have a lot of big stuff going on, CCL, as well as a demanding job. You're doing well to keep things going. You can get a proper handle on your finances soon - once the divorce is over, you can get a firm budget in place..Just stick to pretty much essential spending until then xx

Thanks Foxgloves
It just seems such small stuff compared to what other people are going through at the moment. My boss's dad and grandad are both receiving end of life care (for cancer) at the moment, my friend's mother had a stroke and is seriously ill. I am lucky to be in good health, and surrounded by fantastic friends and family... so I feel like I should be ok really.

DawnW

It really isn't small stuff CCL, even though it isn't life or death, it is life changing. Things will get better, but it is quite understandable that you are finding it very stressful at the moment. Take care and try not to worry about money too much. You can sort that out once the divorce is done and you know where you are. ((Hugs))

f0xh0les

Blimey CCL you are going through the wringer right now!

I have spent the last two evenings going through CCL part III, and I feel exhausted just reading it. You are living it. You are doing magnificently.

Your children adore you. You obviously adore your children, and your summer sounded great fun. You are a great mum. You are holding all this together. You are building a secure future for you and your chilldren. You are the foundation stone. The stability. The constant. It may not be glamourous, it may not be sexy, but you must give yourself the credit you are due. The foundation takes all the stresses and strains, so be kind to yourself.

I wish I could teach you to only worry about things during ' normal banking hours' , worries have no place under the duvet.
The trick is to work out the things you can control, and the things which you cannot control, and admit those things beyond your control and dismiss them as such.

I hope you get a wonderful night's sleep tonight
I take my hat off to you.
You are amazing.