Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

Toni'sfriend

Seriously though, you have had a seriously stressful time, not just recently but for years -with debt, with your stressful job, with your OH and his problems.... Be kind to yourself xx

And you work so hard, you are the least useless person I can think of!

Absolutely. Sometimes it's difficult to see how well you're doing in coping with all that life throws at you but from where I'm standing you're doing good. You will get there xxx

beanielou

I could not do & cope with one quarter of what you do.
You are very very far from useless.

crazy_cat_lady

Thank you all of you - really kind of you all to say that. Makes me sound like an attention seeker but genuinely my default position is one of failure. It's been ingrained into me from a very early age, and today me and my counsellor talked about where the feelings have come from. It's useful any I know all of the right things to say, and that what I'm thinking and feeling is irrational. I say to myself exactly what I would say to anyone else that I love and care about, and I really mean it when I say it to others, but there's just this part of me that doesn't believe it. Because of my experiences growing up apparently. It's hard to explain but we are getting to the point that when times are hard I default back to my 'safe place' of feeling like I'm useless, not really trusting anybody, being scared of being laughed at or talked about etc. It's familiar to me, even though it's an unpleasant place to be - and easier for me to stay there than to take the risk of testing things out. Not at the point of a solution yet, but I am at the point of believing that nothing I say or do will be good enough for anyone. I know in my heart it's not true but I can't make myself believe it at the moment. Weird feeling. I know that I put myself at the bottom of every list I do, and I need to move myself further up, but the solutions aren't there for me just yet. Maybe once I'm less tired then I'll be ready to take a risk. We shall see.

I've marked another 10 papers tonight but it's hard work and slow going - not a paper I wanted to get involved with but doing a favour for a friend. 25 left to go. I think I should be done by Friday with a bit of luck.

Speky - I've signed up for YNAB. I've not had time to set it up yet but it's there and I'll read a bit before I go to bed tonight. Just not knowing where to start, how many categories to set up and so on. See - can you tell my head isn't in a good place at the moment? I can't even make simple decisions about what categories to put in my budget.

Eager_Elephant

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

Speky - I've signed up for YNAB. I've not had time to set it up yet but it's there and I'll read a bit before I go to bed tonight. Just not knowing where to start, how many categories to set up and so on. See - can you tell my head isn't in a good place at the moment? I can't even make simple decisions about what categories to put in my budget.

You can always add budget catergories as you go along - I start with the basics and then add as I go, I probably add 1 every few months now but I have been using it over a year.

crazy_cat_lady

Well I started adding some of my regular transactions to it in categories. It's been interesting to note that I really haven't been keeping as close an eye on my finances as I thought. My expenses here and there have been creeping up a bit so it's interesting to see it all written down again. Definitely going to need to do some scrimping and saving, and change my lifestyle a bit (which bothers me because I'd worked hard to get out of debt and get to a place where I could enjoy having a bit of spare money, which I now don't).
It needs a lot of work and I need to figure out properly how to use it because it genuinely isn't making much sense to me at the moment. I was looking through the app though so I'll need to properly look at the website version later.
Woken up feeling really rough again today. On the plus side, it is non uniform at work so I have some really comfy trousers and a t-shirt on. Football related as requested but not what they are expecting I don't think (Grumpy Cat saying I hope both teams lose :rotfl:)
I'll be back later

SpekySquarehead

CCL - Its quite eye opening to begin with and it can even be fun to know that you're putting something away for emergencies and the like.

Oh, also, they run free online webinars with real live people at the other end to talk you thought it. I'd highly recommend looking at those too. Feel free to message me if you need a hand with anything

Even I am looking forward to you finishing your marking!!

lcc86

Hi CCL, I haven't been on here for months so have missed your new diary. Just read through your new one - such a brave decision to make and I'm glad you're moving in the right direction. Try not to beat yourself up about getting into debt again - it's unavoidable in your situation, you're aware of it, and you have a plan to tackle it once your solicitor bills are paid and you stop contributing to your ex's rent. I wish you all the best!

crazy_cat_lady

Evening all :wave:
Hope that you didn't think I'd disappeared off again, but I've been a busy bunny desperately trying to get these last few papers marked and sent back but I have run out of oomph for this evening. There are 6 left to go. I had planned to finish tonight, but last night ended up being a write off with the football. I wasn't bothered, but the kids were really excited and made way too much noise for me to concentrate on getting anything done. So I just watched the football and had a couple of drinks.
Then unfortunately ds was up for most of the night feeling unwell. So we've both been tired today - however he got the day off school. I couldn't have that luxury as I'm a Year 7 tutor next year and had to be in for the rest of the week as the new Year 7 are visiting from their primaries. It's been a busy, but lovely day - always nice to see them while they're still sweet little primary kiddies. But I am very, very tired now as it's been non stop. DS is lots better and definitely going back to school tomorrow though...
Got home, grabbed pizza from Mr A for dinner as it was cheaper than a takeaway and there was no way I was making anything, and set to work again. So close to being finished.
My YNAB is all set up and good to go - just need to make sure that I keep it all up to date and see if it ends up being the miracle for me that most people say it is. You will be proud of me Speky - I did 3 of the little online workshops after the football last night and I feel quite a bit more confident than I did before about using it. Hopefully it'll keep me on the straight and narrow.
Anyway, I'm pretty shattered so off to bed now. Thank goodness there are only 6 more school get ups - I can hardly wait.

Fmess

Well done on the exam marking, you!!!8217;ve done phenomenally well to keep going.

Hope you have a lovely peaceful weekend and can get done r&r

crazy_cat_lady

:jIt is over :j 6 papers marked, 7 reports written, forms completed and returned. :j I just need my superior to approve the reports and then I can publish them and that is it :j
It has been a very busy couple of months, and today has been no exception. I'm sure once this is over I'll look back and wonder how I juggled marking, work, kids, 5 exam papers and a divorce and didn't have a complete breakdown. :rotfl: Mind you I'm not that far off - if anyone has seen my self esteem then please send it back my way.
Missed my little Year 7s this afternoon. I had a disclosure from a student during the last lesson of the day and once that happens then that is it. I am absolutely honoured and really humbled that the child felt that they could talk to me, but it is hard stuff to hear, and requires a lot of intense and very immediate action. That's the third one I've had this year, so I must be doing something right to get their trust, but it's hard and it really breaks my heart to be involved in such difficult stuff.
No time for a spend day at all, so that's good. And not much else to report from here. Ex turned up at the door this evening, completely unannounced and stressing silly about something. I have absolutely no capacity for that so he got just about nothing out of me, and stayed about 20 mins before I sent him on his way. In fairness he went home without any bother - just couldn't be bothered with it today at all.
Everything just feels like a bit of a struggle at the moment - but only 5 more get ups and then I have big plans to sleep an awful lot. I've been so exhausted I'm starting to feel really dizzy a lot of the time and my hay fever is really playing up. Time for relaxing and reflecting.