30th birthday dinner, who should pay?

maman

I don't think this is specifically a German thing. To me it's about the circles you move in.

I've recently had a big birthday and invited 60+ friends and family to lunch at a hotel. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking anyone to pay. All food and drinks with the meal were paid for by DH. I offered to pay half but he insisted. My chance to treat him will come later in the year.

If, on the other hand, a group of us invited a friend out for a meal to celebrate his/her birthday then we'd pay for our own meals and chip in for the birthday boy/girl.

What it comes down to, for me, is who are the guests. They definitely shouldn't be asked to pay. They could bring gifts but not compulsory.

NeilCr

Agree.

I did this on my 60th - pretty much the same numbers and I picked up the bill

On my (sadly soon) 65th I'll be in a restaurant with my partner and 20 odd (some very odd!) friends and will certainly be paying.

Sounds like you and I have the same train of thought on this.

HampshireH

OK how did the meal go? I believe it was this weekend?

HampshireH

OP* *silly autocorrect*

elsien

pearl123 wrote: »

Wow.. £800.00 on a birthday meal/party! If someone had reached the age of 100 I could perhaps understand spending such an excessive amount.

Not really. If there's 20+ people attending that's only £40 per head tops which isn't a large amount for a meal out in a decent restaurant if there's several courses.

hello007007

I would have cancelled the meal or at least found somewhere cheaper. You maybe better off but £800 is two weeks of hubby's pay.


What did you do in the end?

System

Given that the invite has gone out ages ago with the message that everything will be paid for and guests need not put hands in their pocket?

Who did you think was paying?

jackyann

Aren't cultural expectations interesting? I am late 60s, lived in the UK all my life, and would not dream of inviting people out to join me unless I was paying. I have become aware, in recent years, that it is fairly common, but it really goes against the grain for me.
I might, in the future, if I can't afford to pay, and am unable to entertain at home, ask people if they would join me, but would be completely clear that it is not an 'invitation'.
And no, I don't come from a well off family. If our couldn't afford to invite people, you just didn't!

maman

Judi wrote: »

Who did you think was paying?

The only think I can think of is that as they're unmarried and the party is in her home town maybe OP thought her parents would host/pay for it.


That would seem reasonable to me or the girl paying for it herself if parents can't afford it and she can.


I suppose it's hard to know whether this is about a current boyfriend being taken advantage of or a long term partner being accepted as one of the family.

shandi59

It has been interesting to see all the different viewpoints, ranging from some who insist that the host should pay every penny, to everyone should chip in and pay their way. It is clear that there is no right or wrong answer here, every family is different and the key is to communicate clearly from the beginning the expectations to everyone, host, family and guests. !It is important too to remember that there should be no obligation or expectation on anyone to give more than they can manage. If a mistake is made, admit and sort it out as soon as possible.

Let me first explain once more some important points about the organisation of the party.

Myself and my partner have been living together for 18 months in the UK. I am British and my partner is German. It was my partner's 30th birthday celebration. She wanted us to travel to Berlin to celebrate with her family and friends.

I did not set up and arrange the party. That was organised by my partner. It was for her family and friends, some of whom I'd met before, some not. Most of the family don't speak English apart from a few words, I speak very little German, I don't know Berlin well, so it would've been very difficult for me to arrange myself. There were 20 guests invited. Invitations were sent around by my partner. The restaurant was chosen by my partner, with a set meal of 35 euros. My partner showed me a few choice of restaurants and we agreed on this particular restaurant and menu.

I have been to one family gathering in Berlin before, last Christmas. This was a small number (8 people) invited to the home of one of the cousins. A few days after Christmas, the host asked everyone to help pay some money (around 30 euros if I remember) to cover the cost of the food and drinks.

At no point during the arranging of the birthday dinner did we discuss the payment. I simply assumed that everyone would be paying for their own meal. I certainly had no reason to believe that I would be picking up the full bill. I did not consider for a second to take this on, i simply could not afford it. It is good to be generous, but £800 is too much for me.

My partner however, thought that at some point at the beginning of our discussion of the party that I said 'I will take care of the restaurant bill'. I did not offer to do this. I don't know how this misunderstanding happened. My partner says she just did not think through the full consequences of me taking it all on. She herself has on occasion been too generous with her own money as she loves to make people happy, then counts the cost later. Neither of us had reason to check with each other until last week, which is when the different expectations became apparent.

So, to the party which was on Sunday.

My partner explained to her mother what had happened, they were both deeply sorry that I had been put in this position and we agreed between the three of us to split the food bill three ways (around 250 each), and for the drinks we thought that everyone would likely contribute something in the end. If there was a shortfall in the drinks bill we would also split that between us. As it happened, most people contributed and the drinks bill was more or less covered.

The celebration itself was wonderful, a really joyful, noisy, happy, loving celebration. Everyone had a great time. I am now starting to feel a part of the family. We've learned some lessons along the way as well.