30th birthday dinner, who should pay?

74jax

shandi59 wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies and good points.

Our communication is usually very good and open, but for some reason this detail and expectation has managed to slip by overlooked. It seems like there was an assumption on my partner's part and I had no reason to question until now! My partner is as embarrassed and deeply apologetic as I was shocked, so this has come as a surprise to both of us.

Thanks all, we have to discuss a few things, but we'll be sure to enjoy the party!

How long have you been together? Is it the first family occasion you have attended, on either side?

Is just a general family way with us, but my husband wasn't aware, until we went out with my family and everything was paid for, so he knew then.

Just a shame this is how you find out. So are you the 'host' as the host usually picks and sorts invites etc, so you would have been able to pick the price and know what was on the invites.

shandi59

We've been together 18 months. It's not the first family gathering with that side of the family, I have previously attended a Christmas dinner where the cost of food and drinks was contributed to by everyone.

I'm not the host, the organisation of the dinner has been taken care of by my partner, as it is her birthday,her family and friends, most I've only met once or twice before.

LilElvis

On the plus side it's spagel season at the moment. Fat, German white asparagus is infinitely better than the skinny British stuff and particularly tasty when served with schnitzels and the really yellow potatoes. Lots of restaurants will have special spagel menus at the moment. Must remember to place my annual spagel order with the German Deli in Borough Market.

Spendless

'Partner'? Do you live together or not?

If you are boyfriend and girlfriend living in separate dwellings, I don't see why you should be contributing at all. If you'd said you'd pay for it that's different, but there's been an 'expectation' that you will

If you live together, then you have finances that are entwined (regardless of how any bills are split up). In that case splitting it between you and your OH 50/50 seems fair.

shandi59

We live together yes.

We usually split our finances evenly with no issue and that's what's likely to be the solution here. But for reasons explained above my expectation was that everyone attending would pay their way.

hazyjo

shandi59 wrote: »

At least I can be thankful that this detail has come out now, and not at the end of the dinner when I get handed the total bill!!

Well, there is that, but then I've often found people order less or cheaper things if they're not sure if they're paying or not!

Agree, too late to change it now. Try to enjoy

Spendless

I don't think it would be reasonable to ask guests to pay their own way when the message has gone out that they don't have to.

In what way has the message gone out?

An expectation that that's the way the German relatives do it, in which case I don't think you can backtrack.

Worded on an invitation - in which case what's the wording? Though I still think you'll struggle to ask guests to pay.

Other options if this is going to make things financially difficult for you. Your OH tells her parents the issue and see if they can help out.

thorsoak

Unless you made it clear on the invitations that it was an invitation for them to attend the celebrations and pay for their own meal, you should pay.

This is something that you should have discussed whilst you were talking about an invitation list.

Doodles

It's a shame this has happened, but I have to say I think you should just suck it up and put it down to experience.

I don't think your partner should pay £400 to celebrate her own birthday. I just don't think that is right.

The invites have gone out. Any attempt to go back and say, actually, we are asking for a contribution will be met with irritation, and possibly people dropping out because of that. You don't want that for your partner.

I think you should pay it all for the meal side of things (but great her mum has offered to pay for the drinks though).

But try for damage limitation - could you book somewhere that has a very reasonable deal ie. starter/main course for £x price?? or buffet with set price to get it below the expected £800?

panagia

I would go £400 each. As others have said, you can't ask the guests to pay now, it'd be embarrassing. Enjoy your meal and party!