Bought a house without my partner of 7 months and she has left me. Advice?

Sncjw

Does she not realise you could sell the place in the future. If it makes your commute shorter isn!!!8217;t that better for you.

I think 7 months is still a relatively young relationship. Are you not allowed to make plans for your future. Are you not allowed to move out your parents house without throwing your money away renting.

Doodles

I tried to look at this from both sides, and to be honest I think this is just a case of you both have different needs at this moment in your lives.

She is working a 60 hour week, my goodness she must be stressed. May have contributed to the snap decision about ending the relationship.

You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm sorry this has left you devastated.

Zeni

Tbh it seems like your relationship was going to hit the point that neither of you is at the point to compromise what you want at this moment and you would just be stuck in a stalemate. I can only imagine from her point of view that maybe she assumed that you would at some point be moving to her and that when you reserved that house maybe she realised that wasn't going to be the case. Makes sense if you say she was very consistent that she was going to live in London and works such long hours, yet she doesnt seem to make as much effort coming to you etc. She's definitely being unfair calling you selfish as you haven't done anything she hasn't done, but as I said she maybe didn't expect you to do it and probably wanted you to make the move.

I'd say it seems a bit doomed and while it probably hurts now in the long run if neither of you is prepared to make the change (which it doesn't seem like she is) to make your relationship more sustainable it may be the best thing for you.

nobile

Good riddance buddy!

FBaby

She could be one of those women approaching 30 and counting the weeks until they can get married and have kids. This yearning can badly overshadow reality as desperation takes over. The minute they think their new chance of family life might not go to perfectly to plan, the anxiety that they might be losing out on the opportunity to meet someone who will do so takes over.

rach_k

Is it possible that your earnings (or potential earnings) play a part in it? If, for example, she expects to be earning £150K within 5 years and you're expecting £40K, I think probably a lot of people would expect that you would move to live with her rather than the other way round (changing jobs if necessary), so her looking to buy in London is for both of you, but you buying in Didcot is for you alone. I'm not saying that's right but I think a lot would think it. Of course you could sell the house but it does restrict you in what you can do and when. As I said, I'm not saying she's right and I have no idea about earnings, but it may be something to consider.

Anyway, if she's working 12 hour days and you can't see why she hasn't visited you after work more often, perhaps it's not meant to be after all. It sounds like you have different expectations from life so maybe it's for the best.

no1catman

FBaby wrote: »

She could be one of those women approaching 30 and counting the weeks until they can get married and have kids. This yearning can badly overshadow reality as desperation takes over. The minute they think their new chance of family life might not go to perfectly to plan, the anxiety that they might be losing out on the opportunity to meet someone who will do so takes over.

I would have thought in that case the opposite would be true! That is - she should/would have appreciated anyone who is prepared to put down roots - buying a house. A house, that is ready made for 'family life'.
Sounds like she wasn't ready to settle down, or she was too infatuated with 'London'. Or else would have seen the sense in the OP's reasoning e.g. when Cross-Rail is up and running.
Indeed when that happens the price of that new hose will rise and rise - she will be the one who'll look back with regrets.

Good luck.

FBaby

That is - she should/would have appreciated anyone who is prepared to put down roots - buying a house. A house, that is ready made for 'family life'.

Not when he went and did it on his own without talking about buying it together. OP wrote it himself, she took his actions as a lack of commitment.

Kynthia

It sounds like she thought you were both working towards a solution for living together in six months time, and while you hadn't yet found that solution it was both of your goals. She was investigating the possibility of you buying together in London, or getting a nice flat part-way (but your bikes were more important), or her grandmother's, etc. Then without discussion you've put a deposit on a house somewhere she can't live.

She feels betrayed that you have changed the plan without discussion, and ruled out living together for years. So you aren't serious about each other therefore what's the point.

Pollycat

Kynthia wrote: »

It sounds like she thought you were both working towards a solution for living together in six months time, and while you hadn't yet found that solution it was both of your goals. She was investigating the possibility of you buying together in London, or getting a nice flat part-way (but your bikes were more important), or her grandmother's, etc. Then without discussion you've put a deposit on a house somewhere she can't live.

She feels betrayed that you have changed the plan without discussion, and ruled out living together for years. So you aren't serious about each other therefore what's the point.

Not exactly 'without discussion'.

From the original post:

E2D wrote: »

Hi,
New poster here. I'm looking for an external perspective to see if I have missed something.
I am turning 25 this year and my partner is turning 28. We have known eachother for about 15 months and have been in a relationship for 7 of those.

I am currently living at home with my parents and driving about an hour each way to work, approx 50 miles in total each day. She works in the city and lives in south London. I work about 25 mins northwest of Reading. We currently see eachother at weekends mainly, though I did offer to go in the week to see her but it is work dependent and has only happened 3 or 4 times in the 7 months we've been together. (The train from where I currently live is about 30 mins direct to a station 10 min walk from her house. She also gets the train out of Waterloo every day which would bring her to my current front door in 40 mins if she wanted) So unsure why this hasn't happened more frequently.

She has just renewed a short term tenancy for another 6 months (about a month in to that now) in a house share. We discussed the possibility of renting somewhere together when this tenancy finishes but we would both end up with poor and long commutes. She is on average working 12 hour days, 5 days a week and is not keen to extend her commute further - which I understand. I have got motorbikes which I work on in my spare time and a less time consuming job so would need a place with a garage to work on them which then limits our options further. I'm also reluctant with her working those hours to give this up just yet, as it is my hobby and I would essentially just end up waiting around for her each evening with nothing to do due to her work hours.

We have loads of options in the future when crossrail opens but that is not for another 20 months. Probably about 2 years before it's up and running to full capacity.

In the mean time I have put down a reservation fee to buy a new build in Didcot, which would reduce my commute by half and get me out my parents place and be my own house. I have done this because I am in a good position to do so! It has a garage, it is a nice 3 bed and still means I can get to London to see her on a direct train taking approx 40 mins with about 30 mins tube the other end - longer than now, but not by much.

However she has taken this as a massive lack of commitment and sees this as me moving away from her. She has subsequently left me on the basis that I've got no commitment I'm selfish etc. She also seems to be hung up on the fact that we didn't discuss it. I tried to talk to her about it after I'd been to see the new builds but not reserved anything and she was not receptive in the slightest. Essentially just didn't speak to me for a few days, by which point I'd then placed a reservation fee as I didn't want to miss out. Prior to this, about 4 days before, she had been to look at buying an apartment in London, had got mortgages approved etc and had also booked to see another development so I did not see this as her being ready to make the commitment with me either. She's also been consistent over the last 6 months that she wants her own place in London and inconsistent that we could live together.

I 're assured her multiple times that I want to be with her and it doesn't change anything for the future. I have said that it seems a bit silly for us both to be unhappy renting a place in the short term that is not right for either of us but in 2 years when crossrail opens I would have been happy to move into a place with her - either renting or buying.

I am absolutely devastated and what should be the happiest time of my life has been completely over shadowed by the fact my girlfriend has left me. I am head over heels for her and want to be with her but at such an early stage in the relationship and the worrying signs that work seems to be more important than anything else I am not to keen on the idea of waiting around for someone and think this would be the better option for the short term. I wanted to spend more time with her and establish our relationship better before we have the pressure (and both have to make sacrifices) of living together.

Have I missed something?

So she says 'you buying a house in Didcot is not what I want so I'm not even going to entertain the idea, but now you've gone ahead and done it, I'm going to dump you' is not exactly an adult way to behave.