Bought a house without my partner of 7 months and she has left me. Advice?

E2D

Hi,
New poster here. I'm looking for an external perspective to see if I have missed something.
I am turning 25 this year and my partner is turning 28. We have known eachother for about 15 months and have been in a relationship for 7 of those.

I am currently living at home with my parents and driving about an hour each way to work, approx 50 miles in total each day. She works in the city and lives in south London. I work about 25 mins northwest of Reading. We currently see eachother at weekends mainly, though I did offer to go in the week to see her but it is work dependent and has only happened 3 or 4 times in the 7 months we've been together. (The train from where I currently live is about 30 mins direct to a station 10 min walk from her house. She also gets the train out of Waterloo every day which would bring her to my current front door in 40 mins if she wanted) So unsure why this hasn't happened more frequently.

She has just renewed a short term tenancy for another 6 months (about a month in to that now) in a house share. We discussed the possibility of renting somewhere together when this tenancy finishes but we would both end up with poor and long commutes. She is on average working 12 hour days, 5 days a week and is not keen to extend her commute further - which I understand. I have got motorbikes which I work on in my spare time and a less time consuming job so would need a place with a garage to work on them which then limits our options further. I'm also reluctant with her working those hours to give this up just yet, as it is my hobby and I would essentially just end up waiting around for her each evening with nothing to do due to her work hours.

We have loads of options in the future when crossrail opens but that is not for another 20 months. Probably about 2 years before it's up and running to full capacity.

In the mean time I have put down a reservation fee to buy a new build in Didcot, which would reduce my commute by half and get me out my parents place and be my own house. I have done this because I am in a good position to do so! It has a garage, it is a nice 3 bed and still means I can get to London to see her on a direct train taking approx 40 mins with about 30 mins tube the other end - longer than now, but not by much.

However she has taken this as a massive lack of commitment and sees this as me moving away from her. She has subsequently left me on the basis that I've got no commitment I'm selfish etc. She also seems to be hung up on the fact that we didn't discuss it. I tried to talk to her about it after I'd been to see the new builds but not reserved anything and she was not receptive in the slightest. Essentially just didn't speak to me for a few days, by which point I'd then placed a reservation fee as I didn't want to miss out. Prior to this, about 4 days before, she had been to look at buying an apartment in London, had got mortgages approved etc and had also booked to see another development so I did not see this as her being ready to make the commitment with me either. She's also been consistent over the last 6 months that she wants her own place in London and inconsistent that we could live together.

I 're assured her multiple times that I want to be with her and it doesn't change anything for the future. I have said that it seems a bit silly for us both to be unhappy renting a place in the short term that is not right for either of us but in 2 years when crossrail opens I would have been happy to move into a place with her - either renting or buying.

I am absolutely devastated and what should be the happiest time of my life has been completely over shadowed by the fact my girlfriend has left me. I am head over heels for her and want to be with her but at such an early stage in the relationship and the worrying signs that work seems to be more important than anything else I am not to keen on the idea of waiting around for someone and think this would be the better option for the short term. I wanted to spend more time with her and establish our relationship better before we have the pressure (and both have to make sacrifices) of living together.

Have I missed something?

seashore22

"Have I missed something?"

:rotfl:

Yes.

It's not the house, it's the communication, or lack thereof.

Hope this isn't another made up, unbelievable story.

Polls are silly.

bertiewhite

Is this your ex?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/74200957#Comment_74200957

pollypenny

Newbie with complicated story and a poll? Hmmmm!:cool:

peachyprice

E2D wrote: »

Hi,

Have I missed something?

I don't think you have but she certainly has! Like the fact that you've only been seeing her 7 months and haven't made any promises to be her life partner.

If this is her (over) reaction to you buying a house you've had a lucky escape.

Pollycat

E2D wrote: »

Hi,
New poster here. I'm looking for an external perspective to see if I have missed something.
I am turning 25 this year and my partner is turning 28. We have known eachother for about 15 months and have been in a relationship for 7 of those.

I am currently living at home with my parents and driving about an hour each way to work, approx 50 miles in total each day. She works in the city and lives in south London. I work about 25 mins northwest of Reading. We currently see eachother at weekends mainly, though I did offer to go in the week to see her but it is work dependent and has only happened 3 or 4 times in the 7 months we've been together. (The train from where I currently live is about 30 mins direct to a station 10 min walk from her house. She also gets the train out of Waterloo every day which would bring her to my current front door in 40 mins if she wanted) So unsure why this hasn't happened more frequently.

She has just renewed a short term tenancy for another 6 months (about a month in to that now) in a house share. We discussed the possibility of renting somewhere together when this tenancy finishes but we would both end up with poor and long commutes. She is on average working 12 hour days, 5 days a week and is not keen to extend her commute further - which I understand. I have got motorbikes which I work on in my spare time and a less time consuming job so would need a place with a garage to work on them which then limits our options further. I'm also reluctant with her working those hours to give this up just yet, as it is my hobby and I would essentially just end up waiting around for her each evening with nothing to do due to her work hours.

We have loads of options in the future when crossrail opens but that is not for another 20 months. Probably about 2 years before it's up and running to full capacity.

In the mean time I have put down a reservation fee to buy a new build in Didcot, which would reduce my commute by half and get me out my parents place and be my own house. I have done this because I am in a good position to do so! It has a garage, it is a nice 3 bed and still means I can get to London to see her on a direct train taking approx 40 mins with about 30 mins tube the other end - longer than now, but not by much.

However she has taken this as a massive lack of commitment and sees this as me moving away from her. She has subsequently left me on the basis that I've got no commitment I'm selfish etc. She also seems to be hung up on the fact that we didn't discuss it. I tried to talk to her about it after I've been to see the new builds but not reserved anything and she was not receptive in the slightest. Essentially just didn't speak to me for a few days, by which point I'd then placed a reservation fee as I didn't want to miss out.

I 're assured her multiple times that I want to be with her and it doesn't change anything for the future. I have said that it seems a bit silly for us both to be unhappy renting a place in the short term that is not right for either of us but in 2 years when crossrail opens I would have been happy to move into a place with her - either renting or buying.

I am absolutely devastated and what should be the happiest time of my life has been completely over shadowed by the fact my girlfriend has left me. I am head over heels for her and want to be with her but at such an early stage in the relationship and the worrying signs that work seems to be more important than anything else I am not to keen on the idea of waiting around for someone and think this would be the better option for the short term. I wanted to spend more time with her before making the commitment of either a lease or buying a place.

Have I missed something?

Did she discuss her tenancy renewal with you?

Sounds like she's thrown a teenage-style strop.
Are you sure she's 27 and not 17?

E2D

Got to love forums! I have tried to edit the poll question as I think that is what is maybe undermining what I'm trying to ask.

And no I'm not a troll, I've got far better things to do.

Ozzuk

Lucky escape from what you have described, move in, enjoy the new home and forget her.

E2D

peachyprice wrote: »

I don't think you have but she certainly has! Like the fact that you've only been seeing her 7 months and haven't made any promises to be her life partner.

If this is her (over) reaction to you buying a house you've had a lucky escape.

Thanks for your reply.

Pollycat wrote: »

Did she discuss her tenancy renewal with you?

Sounds like she's thrown a teenage-style strop.
Are you sure she's 27 and not 17?

She did yes, we did discuss it. She is going away for 6 weeks in September and didn't want to pay rent while she was away. She has worked with the landlord to end the tenancy before she goes away so it's worked out well. Now she is going on about how she will be homeless in 6 months.
The clarity was always non existent for what would happen after this though as she was incapable of making any decision. I'd suggested multiple options and considered moving in with her but realized that really it was too much of a compromise for me at this stage - she was also reluctant due to increased travel time and cost as I said in the OP.

Really, as I say before crossrail comes in there is very little that's practical and enables me to have a garage. Yes we could have moved to a flat (which I think to be honest is what she was expecting) but as I say, I don't see any logic to that when she works the hours that she does and I'd essentially have to leave my bikes at my parents, to then pay rent somewhere else, to then visit my parents every week to get my bikes sorted (I've got a couple of projects that need to be finished).
Her nan has a place that is vacant at the moment as her nan is being looked after. I've suggested she looks at the option of moving there (which she's also suggested) and we discussed the possibility of moving in there. Again this was a bit too much as it was tough for her commute and would double the distance I'm travelling to work.
I've suggested she looks at moving there anyway if she is going to be 'homeless' and I could stay with her a couple of nights a week. This apparently isn't good enough either.

Pollycat

Given what you say in the first paragraph of your reply and the final sentence of your post, I'd agree with Ozzuk - you've had a lucky escape.

So if I did bother to vote in MSE polls (which I don't), it would be the 3rd option.

E2D

Thanks.

Can I remove the poll?