Question about harassment

andrewthomas2008

elsien wrote: »

I think your interpretation is stretching the point. The police don't decide whether to prosecute or not, the CPS do. And context is everything.
My relatives ex (different scenario, but bear with me) claimed the contact was unwanted. Which it was, by her because she thought all the decisions about the kids should be hers. But she was acting very unreasonably so he would never have been prosecuted.

If your girlfriends ex stops contacting her, stops trying to apologise, stops sending gifts but one day in the future mentions their relationship to the brother as a one off then the chances of it going any further are remote. People are allowed to have conversations even if other people don't like the content.

Even if the former friend knows that it may cause an issue

marliepanda

andrewthomas2008 wrote: »

Even if he knows that it may cause an issue within the family unit, wouldn't that be deemed as causing alarm to my gf, therefore a form of harassnent. Especially if he chooses to do it and there is no reason for him mentioning it.

No. It’s massively stretching it.

The thing that’s causing the alarm is the actions of their daughter. Not the actions of the ex.

Telling someone something isn’t harassment. Harassment is harassment. If I tell someone they look fat I know it’s going to upset and distress them, but I’m just being horrible. I’m not harassing them.

If I start a campaign of intimidation, constantly calling them fat via text, email, social media, in the street, THATS harassment.

andrewthomas2008

marliepanda wrote: »

No. It’s massively stretching it.

The thing that’s causing the alarm is the actions of their daughter. Not the actions of the ex.

Telling someone something isn’t harassment. Harassment is harassment. If I tell someone they look fat I know it’s going to upset and distress them, but I’m just being horrible. I’m not harassing them.

If I start a campaign of intimidation, constantly calling them fat via text, email, social media, in the street, THATS harassment.

Now that I've thought about it, if the friend chooses to mention anything about her brother, it's not practical to arrest him talking about something that has actually happened.

I just hope all this worry is about nothing.

elsien

The point is that if he does say something, whether it's harrassment or not and whether he's prosecuted or not, your girlfriend still has the consequences to deal with.
That's what she needs to focus on - what she's going to do if and when the truth comes out. Because you and the ex can't be the only people who know what she gets up to. The truth tends to have a way of coming out, whether people want it to or not.

andrewthomas2008

elsien wrote: »

The point is that if he does say something, whether it's harrassment or not and whether he's prosecuted or not, your girlfriend still has the consequences to deal with.
That's what she needs to focus on - what she's going to do if and when the truth comes out. Because you and the ex can't be the only people who know what she gets up to. The truth tends to have a way of coming out, whether people want it to or not.

She tries her best to hide her secret life, but she won't do this forever

moneyistooshorttomention

andrewthomas2008 wrote: »

She tries her best to hide her secret life, but she won't do this forever

Precisely!

Hence why I've been advocating she takes the timing and method of the "outing" under HER control - in order to manage the situation in the best way possible.

Better that than some evening in the future - someone "says something" and a member of her family comes "effing and blinding" into the sitting room (where she is peacefully watching tv at 11pm at night for instance) and starts shouting the odds at her.

If only because 11pm at night (for instance) is a difficult time to walk out and find someplace else to sleep in peace that night and wondering how to fetch her belongings later.

That's the sort of "out of the blue" shouting fest that might come up if she leaves the timing of the "Knowledge coming out" to fate and hoping it won't come out.

travelman86

Sounds like you have a right catch here.


Im going to tell you bluntly - this is only going to end in tears on your behalf.


Drop & walk.


She isn't going to tell her family about you - you're getting strung along till the next best option comes along.

pogofish

andrewthomas2008 wrote: »

Now that I've thought about it, if chooses to mention anything to her brother, it's not practical to arrest him talking about something that has actually happened. I wouldnt be able to get someone arrested for talking about a relationship I've been in.

I just hope all this worry is about nothing.

It all depends on if it is considered to be a part of an ongoing course of harassment or not - Which is why it is important your GF now gets a diary together of everything - every instance of unwanted contact,, message, gift, approach via third parties, even seemingly random incidents of seeing/bumping into him in the street - harassers can go to very great lengths to make their attempts at contact seem justified or to be just random and totally innocent but the numbers talk very loudly and clearly - and even today, a written diary is still better evidentially. Its not a nice thing to have to think about or go-through but if you are serious at protecting your relationship, then it needs to be done.

andrewthomas2008

pogofish wrote: »

It all depends on if it is considered to be a part of an ongoing course of harassment or not - Which is why it is important your GF now gets a diary together of everything - every instance of unwanted contact,, message, gift, approach via third parties, even seemingly random incidents of seeing/bumping into him in the street - harassers can go to very great lengths to make their attempts at contact seem justified or to be just random and totally innocent but the numbers talk very loudly and clearly - and even today, a written diary is still better evidentially. Its not a nice thing to have to think about or go-through but if you are serious at protecting your relationship, then it needs to be done.

I understand what you have said but there hasn't been any contact since So I can tell her to keep a diary but I can't tell her to make things up and like what was mentioned in a previous post.

pogofish

Yes - get everything up to that point down on paper - and keep any messages/emails/texts on file in support. Then note anything else that happens - and yes, just stick to facts, even if it is just that he called that day but if you can give a brief synopsis of what happened, that is OK, just don't pretend it is anything more than her interpretation, unless you can prove it.

They can't stop him from shooting his mouth-off but If it all goes quiet for now, then there is a good chance he has heeded his warning and gone-off to do a bit of growing-up but if it starts-up again within a reasonable period of time (and yes, this is up to their interpretation), then you have the diary and prior complaint to back you-up - and with that, any complaint will be taken more seriously.