Looking after partners daughter advice please

Mojisola

Fireflyaway wrote: »

I suppose legally she is the parent and can stop it if she wants to.

The children have two parents!

Unless she wants him to start insisting that the children are never left with anyone but her when they are in her care, she should drop this nonsense.

She certainly shouldn't be involving the children in it - this is something that the adults sort out between themselves. Making the children pawns to try to get your own way is reprehensible.

peachyprice

AnotherJoe wrote: »

The world where a mother* might prefer a child be in her care rather than someone the child has no relationship with?

According to your logic, you would support the father if he got a nanny in to look after the kids for the weekend while he went for a golfing weekend or flew off to Marbella , since they are in his care and he can do what he wants and that trumps everything else.

Surely the point is that he's* meant to be spending time with them, not merely exercising his* rights to do whatever as long as they arent being harmed.

* the reverse would equally apply of course.

No, he's not 'supposed to be spending time with them', he's supposed to be parenting them. By your logic neither parent can ever work when they are 'supposed to be spending time' with their children as it's wrong for a single parent to leave their child with a childminder/at nursery. Or does your logic only apply to fathers?

peachyprice

GwylimT wrote: »

As the child of divorced parents, there is nothing like the feeling of excitement when you!!!8217;re spending the weekend with your mum, only to discover that she has dumped you on someone else for the weekend.

Yes, NRPs can do that, but as a parents we need to consider how the child feels when haven!!!8217;t seen that parent for a whole week, and discover the parent doesn!!!8217;t want to look after them that weekend. Because that is how children feel about when they!!!8217;re young.

Except the child in question was apparently looking forward to spending 'girly' time with OP.

System

cjdavies wrote: »

Sounds to me a typical mother using the children as a weapon!!

I agree its a bit petty, unless it was a regular thing.

FBaby

I get she's hurt and clearly doesn't like that her (ex) husband has moved on but surely she has to be reasonable?

Mmm, moved on or was having wandering eyes when he was married if indeed you've known him for some time.

The reality is that if she suspects that something was going on when he was still married to her, she is indeed not going to be ecstatic at the idea of you playing mumsy with her children.

She does have no say to what you do with her daughters when they are with their dad BUT... she could make your life very difficult in other ways if she feels that you are provoking her (even if that's not your intention). She could say no to her dad and you taking the girls on holiday, she could show no flexibility when you might need to exchange a week-end, she might make sure that her dad knows nothing about parents evenings etc... and how if then often becomes the case, everything becomes about making the other party pay.

You and OH have two choices, make it clear to her that you have no care for her feelings and focus on your rights, or show her that you do want to build some collaborative parenting in which case, maybe your OH can just take his youngest to the football with him. Plenty of younger kids are there in these events and love it and it would be time he could indeed spend with her as his eldest is playing. She doesn't need to stay with you.

badmemory

Perhaps, in view of several peoples feelings on here, it would be best if the younger does not want to go & watch her sibling waste her time kicking a ball up & down a pitch that she stays home with her mother on this occasion.

anna_1977

They were separated for 18 months before we entered into a relationship- i was the first person the girls had been introduced to as their dads girlfriend.

I've known him and ex for a number of years and I don't think he ever wandered he was a totally devoted husband and father but sadly things turned more sibling like than marriage - I guess after 18 years together it happens a lot.

We ended up going to the tournament today, all of us. I think. Took the little one off for a drink and ice cream, we bougggt a picnic lunch to have together.

I have suggested that maybe we all sit down together, however, the last thing I want to do is make things uncomfy for worse for her. I do want her to know that I'm absolutely not trying to replace her or be a mother to her children. I am very fond of them BUT I have been there, done that and put the other side

peachyprice

badmemory wrote: »

Perhaps, in view of several peoples feelings on here, it would be best if the younger does not want to go & watch her sibling waste her time kicking a ball up & down a pitch that she stays home with her mother on this occasion.

Why should the daughter miss out on her whole time spent at her other home just because her mother insists she spends part of that time doing something she doesn't want to do or not go at all? Why should she be punished in that way?

AnotherJoe

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Would you also say that the PWC shouldn't go off and leave the children with a responsible caregiver during the time s/he has them either?

Hah ha. Nice sophistry but no, because that's a wholly different situation.

Of course, if they left the child with a responsible caregiver for the same proportion of time as you seemingly think is OK, eg their entire period of care (remember that was your logical position, as long as they left them with someone else with no harm it didn't matter how much time ) then they shoudlnt be a caregiver in the same way as the parent who had them for a weekend every two weeks left them with someone the whole time.

AnotherJoe

peachyprice wrote: »

No, he's not 'supposed to be spending time with them', he's supposed to be parenting them. By your logic neither parent can ever work when they are 'supposed to be spending time' with their children as it's wrong for a single parent to leave their child with a childminder/at nursery. Or does your logic only apply to fathers?

These are two wholly different situations. One person has them at times they (presumably) work, the other doesn't, that's why it's the weekend. It would be nonsensical if they went to "see the parent" at a time that parent was working..

And I've no idea why you think my logic applies only to fathers it would be identical if the sexes were reversed.