Looking after partners daughter advice please

anna_1977

Hi

Can I please have some advice....

My partner has 2 children aged 5 & 9. I have a wonderful relationship with them as does ne, he is a very hands on dad.

This weekend it's his turn to have them Friday - Monday. Tomorrow he's taking the 9 year old to a schools football tournament. The 5 year old is super excited to be having a 'girly' day with me, we had cooking, dog walking and a nice lunch out planned.

Partners wife (waiting for divorce to do through) has now said that as he's not taking the little one she has to go home to her not stay with me. Now, if the OH had suggested this she would have gone mental saying it's her weekend off, he can't cope etc...

What are people's views? Or what is the legal stance on this? Can she stop me spending time with the kids to help out from time to time - i'm not talking about overnight. The girls told her last week I took them to lunch one day on my own and she was livid.

I get she's hurt and clearly doesn't like that her (ex) husband has moved on but surely she has to be reasonable?

I'm trying hard to look at it from both sides but it't tough

panagia

Do you mind me asking, how long have your boyfriend and his soon to be ex wife been separated? If the divorce is still going through and the youngest child is still so young I'm guessing it's not been that long?

anna_1977

They've been separated for a couple of years and we have been together 8 months (I understand not long from her point).

I know the ex wife from a few years ago, we have a lot of mutual friends

panagia

To play devils advocate a bit, she might be thinking, he's supposed to be seeing the children, not dumping one of them on his new woman and going out with the other child. I guess the only way to find out is to get your other half to ask her, though.

Rubik

Your partner has Parental Responsibility, and and when his children are with him, he can make decisions about what activities the children enjoy, and with whom they can spend time with. Unless you are a risk to the children (ie registered sex offender, prone to violence, drug addict, alcoholic etc) then legally there is nothing she can do to prevent Dad exercising his parental responsibility.

You are right, she is most likely hurting, and may feel threatened by your relationship with her children, and when someone is hurting, it can be difficult for them to think clearly and rationally and make measured decisions.

anna_1977

Rachel83 wrote: »

I!!!8217;m probably one who also thinks you!!!8217;ve not been together long enough to consider !!!8216;legal stances!!!8217; on this. Rather hostile thinking from your side, I!!!8217;d be a lot more passive with !!!8216;oh ok then, maybe next time!!!8217; kind of reaction.
You need to concerntrate more on been a consistent influence and the mother will take that on board. But there again if you already know the mother you would probably know how to judge her personality, rather than a forum. Maybe the mothers just concerned that you!!!8217;ve not been around long or that she!!!8217;s been replaced? Who knows what she!!!8217;s thinking other than herself.
As soon as she realises you!!!8217;re not a threat or competition she might naturally back off? It!!!8217;s hard work co parenting!

i wasn't meaning me take legal stances! I mean can she legally say I am NOT allowed to spend time with them without him.

On Saturday he didn't think the 5 year old would want to stand on the side of a football pitch for 5 hours or whatever watching her older sibling play football - hence spending a more fun day with me.

It's definitely hard work - I have 2 older children and been divorced 7 years. She has been told by my OH that I am 100% not trying to replace her in any way - that's not me at all. I wasnt an easy life....

I think I'll suggest that we all go to the tournament and maybe I can then take the little one for a walk/ice-cream while we are there

maman

Rubik wrote: »

Your partner has Parental Responsibility, and and when his children are with him, he can make decisions about what activities the children enjoy, and with whom they can spend time with. Unless you are a risk to the children (ie registered sex offender, prone to violence, drug addict, alcoholic etc) then legally there is nothing she can do to prevent Dad exercising his parental responsibility.

You are right, she is most likely hurting, and may feel threatened by your relationship with her children, and when someone is hurting, it can be difficult for them to think clearly and rationally and make measured decisions.

I'd agree that this is a good description of how things stand.

Your partner would be leaving his daughter with you as a responsible adult just as she might ask any one of your mutual friends to babysit for her on another occasion.

I'm sure in time she'll realise that she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. What about when she gets a new partner and you insist on sending the children back at an inconvenient time?

I don't know what sort of relationship your partner has with his ex. It's a fine line between keeping things civil, not dragging the children into squabbles but not giving into her nonsense.

I suggest he tells her that it's for him to choose how to plan the day when he has the children but of course they will be safe and happy . What you mustn't do IMO is tell the little one that plans have changed because mum's being spiteful.

sooty&sweep

Hi

No idea on the legalities

Does your partner's ex have a new partner ? Has she moved on relationship wise ?

Does she see it as an opportunity to spend some quality girlie time with her daughter ?

Jen

anna_1977

Sadly the 9 year old has just told her dad that 'mummy has said we can't spend time with xxx (me)!

Fireflyaway

If feel terrible if my ex husband's new girlfriend was looking after my kids. I know it's pretty normal these days but I'd hate it. If you have mutual friends and know each other from years back that's probably worse.
I suppose legally she is the parent and can stop it if she wants to.

Pollycat

anna_1977 wrote: »

Sadly the 9 year old has just told her dad that 'mummy has said we can't spend time with xxx (me)!

Maybe the kids have innocently enthused about enjoying spending time with you specifically (rather than you and their Dad) and she's feeling threatened.