When to stop financially supporting adult kids

mattpaint

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

It's the difference between helping and supporting - not a very difficult concept, I'd have thought.

It seems the only difference you are making is with the amounts and those who have more than you have been spoiled, and those with less have not.

Is there not a word for that?

Sea_Shell

Ooh, I could tell you tales of adult dependent children (I'm related to one), but that would be airing their dirty laundry in public, so it's not my place. But I can see a financial train-crash heading towards them, and I don't know whether to say something or keep my head down and stay out of it. Lots of lip-biting going on!!

Tabbytabitha

mattpaint wrote: »

It seems the only difference you are making is with the amounts and those who have more than you have been spoiled, and those with less have not.

Is there not a word for that?

"More than me"? That's a big assumption on your part.

mattpaint

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

"More than me"? That's a big assumption on your part.

Apologies if you're offended. Do you have an amount you have decided is too much? Perhaps you could share it.

It seems by your definition that those parents who support their adult children with the basics are in the wrong, but those who help them enjoy a lifestyle they couldn't afford alone are not. Which seems contrary to what you've said. Do you see where the confusion arises now?:)

Fireflyaway

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Out of interest, do you have any siblings?
If so are they able to be as generous to them too?

That's a very good point. I'm an only child as is my own child. We can afford things now that we definitely couldn't if we had more. If we did have more kids then to me generosity would be important but treating them equally more so.

Marvel1

No children.

I bought my own home myself, deposit myself, legal fees etc (however this was due to cheap rent to parents as they knew I was saving it for a deposit and not wasting it, I paid for my own food, broadband, sky, so they helped that way) - it's not that nice of a house but it's mine and did it myself.

Parents offered to buy first appliance, I refused, it's me, I like to pay for my own things.

Tabbytabitha

mattpaint wrote: »

Apologies if you're offended. Do you have an amount you have decided is too much? Perhaps you could share it.

It seems by your definition that those parents who support their adult children with the basics are in the wrong, but those who help them enjoy a lifestyle they couldn't afford alone are not. Which seems contrary to what you've said. Do you see where the confusion arises now?:)

Not offended and not confused - I thought that was you.:)

splishsplash

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

...[snip]Obviously - all "children" should be treated exactly equally and parents do need to bear in mind that if a couple of adult "children" are being treated exactly equally personally BUT one of the "children" is also getting help for their children and the other one isnt and won't ever be having children = that isn't equal treatment:cool:[/snip]...

I don't see how this is obvious at all.

My middle child had orthodontic treatment running into many thousands but I didn't give thousands to my other kids - why on earth would I?
My eldest's uni course was three years, the next two kids had four year courses. Should I have handed over the money I spent on fees and accommodation to the eldest for the extra year? Of course not.

If one of my adult children run into difficulties and I want to help them, then I will. I am under no obligation to hand out to the others for the sake of it.

I have one grandson. I choose to do things for him as a member of my family in his own right. If I do something for him it's for him, not my child (his parent).

It's not really anyone else's concern what I do with my money. If I thought my kids were watching to see what I spent on grandkids or siblings out of some imagined claim they felt to a share of my assets I would be disgusted with them tbh. That's not how I raised them.

missg2210

So from my experience.... I’m 26 nearly 27 & still live at home. I have a great job and pays in the top 5% of wages. I save 2k every 4 weeks and my dad knows this. He has no mortgage but I give him rent. However I also do all the washing and cleaning and we share the food shop monthly. He pays 1 week me the other. ITS fair and I contribute a lot whilst he lets me live under his roof. It is only me and my dad and tbh think he will be sad when I go

pipkin71

maman wrote: »

Definitely need more information to give a helpful answer.

I give happily whenever I have an opportunity. I think what matters to me is that my DDs are financially independent so I treat them when I can but they never ask. Most recently I gave them some money for Easter. DD1 was going away so I got her some currency and sent the same in pounds to DD2.

I'm able to afford it. It gives me pleasure and it's what my parents did for me.

I'm the same. My girls are financially independent but I still treat them, give them gifts, cash, pay for things they like to do. The flip side is, they will also treat me, just because

I'm really pleased that both girls save a portion of their wages, building a nice little nest egg but, if they were in financial trouble, I would do what I could, to help them out.