Major buyers remorse

MrBrindle

First of all, many thanks for all the advice from everyone on here. I really wasn't expecting such deep, and positive responses! I thought I'd get the usual 'man up', 'it's only a house' etc etc.

I started the mindfullness course last night, and found it quite invigorating in being able to share problems with strangers. I felt more comfortable talking to them rather than friends who I've hid my anxiety from well for years.

Another aspect of the house which is causing me stress is the fact it's not a forever home. We initially thought about a smallholding (big difference I know) as my partner has a horse on livery, and we keep chickens etc. But after keeping an eye out for years, nothing affordable came up and due to my partner being a stay at home mum for the foreseeable future,we couldn't afford one either with only my wage.

I think we may buy a smallholding in the future when she starts working, but then it's moving again! I guess that's another contributing factor with me feeling unsettled in this house.

And that was my whole argument before moving, why move to just another house when we want a smallholding? Unfortunately she was never happy in the old house and wanted to move regardless of the smallholding. Whereas I guess maybe I would have stayed put until the option of a smallholding came along.

Davesnave

MrBrindle wrote: »

I guess maybe I would have stayed put until the option of a smallholding came along.

Being realistic, options of affordable smallholdings don't just 'come along.' Unless you are in rural Wales, or similar, they tend to be snapped-up due to relatively low supply and lifestyle-appeal demand. If they aren't, there are usually problems with the house, the land, or both.

When we wanted an affordable smallholding, we had to sell first and go rented. Even then, we bought something that needed lots of work and we fiddled some legal aspects in ways I don't wish to describe here. :cool:

In other words, it was riskier than buying a standard home. Sitting in rented, without the security of bricks & mortar was definitely more stressful than I anticipated!

MrBrindle

Davesnave wrote: »

Being realistic, options of affordable smallholdings don't just 'come along.' Unless you are in rural Wales, or similar, they tend to be snapped-up due to relatively low supply and lifestyle-appeal demand. If they aren't, there are usually problems with the house, the land, or both.

When we wanted an affordable smallholding, we had to sell first and go rented. Even then, we bought something that needed lots of work and we fiddled some legal aspects in ways I don't wish to describe here. :cool:

In other words, it was riskier than buying a standard home. Sitting in rented without the security of bricks & mortar was definitely more stressful than I anticipated!

Funnily enough, we are in West Wales (Carmarthenshire)! But prices here are pretty high. You're looking at £300k for a 3 bed cottage with 5-10 acres around our area. Way above our affordability right now, and no way we'd have been able to mortgage to that value. Our only other option would have been to move further away from family and schools.

We did view two properties for 'fun' which were £240k and £250k. But both needed gutting, probably costing at least £30k in total. We did think of renting, however with two dogs and chickens, finding a rental property was a struggle.

There is a farm directly behind us, and a girl rides a horse around the fields, so we may approach them to see if we can rent some land.

Doozergirl

MrBrindle wrote: »

First of all, many thanks for all the advice from everyone on here. I really wasn't expecting such deep, and positive responses! I thought I'd get the usual 'man up', 'it's only a house' etc etc.

I started the mindfullness course last night, and found it quite invigorating in being able to share problems with strangers. I felt more comfortable talking to them rather than friends who I've hid my anxiety from well for years.

Another aspect of the house which is causing me stress is the fact it's not a forever home. We initially thought about a smallholding (big difference I know) as my partner has a horse on livery, and we keep chickens etc. But after keeping an eye out for years, nothing affordable came up and due to my partner being a stay at home mum for the foreseeable future,we couldn't afford one either with only my wage.

I think we may buy a smallholding in the future when she starts working, but then it's moving again! I guess that's another contributing factor with me feeling unsettled in this house.

And that was my whole argument before moving, why move to just another house when we want a smallholding? Unfortunately she was never happy in the old house and wanted to move regardless of the smallholding. Whereas I guess maybe I would have stayed put until the option of a smallholding came along.

Anxiety is living in a future that isn't occurring. You're already living the feelings associated with another house move that is not happening right now. It's a complete waste of energy. The smallholding wasn't a viable option. This is where you are right now.

We can all have control on our feelings if we choose to take it. Feeling bad about something that is not happening is such a waste of energy and it creates feelings that you don't want.

Come back to now. It is a glorious day today. Can you see the countryside view you bought this house for? How's that looking right now? How wonderful is it that your little ones have all that space to look at and fields to ride horses directly behind? How do those thoughts make you feel? That's real! The worry about the next move is utterly false. *It is not occurring right now*. All you have to deal with is this minute.

We create feelings, they aren't actually handed to us. Mindfulness is all about right now. A cup of tea, the taste of it, the sunshine, the view, your love for your family. All real.

Also, regarding not sharing with friends - the moment I opened up to someone and told them that I had just been diagnosed depression & anxiety and was taking tablets, the reply was 'me too'. The astonishment I felt, the relief is still tangible to me. And since then, I make a point of sharing how I have felt and the reply is often 'me too'. You just don't know what people go through, but you'll find great similarities all around you. With that comes comfort. You are what you think you aren't - perfectly, imperfectly 'normal'. The pressures we think come from outside are actually created by a little voice within. Expose it.

PhilE

Well, I wish I lived in a quiet, countryside cul de sac with fresh air blowing.

It's normal to miss your old home, and the problems you've described with the house are relatively small.

The boiler could be losing pressure for a number of reasons, get an engineer to check. The garage door isn't a big deal, again get it checked out.

No nightmare neighbours and in the peaceful countryside?! Enjoy yourself, your where many would like to be.

Davesnave

The reason we didn't end up in West Wales was because the folks over there failed to register the Crash quickly enough in 2008/9. We fully intended to go there, but with property taking up to 3 years or so to sell in 'normal' times, owners seemed in no rush to reduce as we'd done.

At least you have a good supply there, but as you've found, many older properties lack investment and require serious works.

I would try to rent land first to see how you get on. We don't farm more than chickens of our own here, but we look after others' sheep. If I had the choice again, I'd go for less or rougher land for ease of maintenance and a good supply of fuel. Pasture and associated fencing needs much work and more £££.

Smodlet

I too can relate. Our last house was the dream, the forever home but ssshhh happens and we had to leave and move to somewhere we had never even heard of. The second night here, I wanted to die. I won't bore you with everything that was wrong with this house as it would read like a book; the issues with yours sound minor by comparison.

OH was wonderful throughout the years-long process of making a hellhole into a home and did almost all the work himself. Short of winning the lottery, we are stuck here until we pop our clogs so have to make the best of things. You are not stuck forever, you still have a dream to cling to and you will have your smallholding some day.

I do wonder just how compatible your dream is with your partner's as you say she loves this house and you loved the last one, which she disliked. When the time is right, perhaps a discussion about what you both really want in the long term might be in order. You may both have to compromise somewhere to reach agreement.

For now, as everyone else has said, take the pressure off yourself and just live. Try cleaning something, maybe even painting something; it is amazing how showing any care for a place, even one you hate, invokes feelings of ownership or so I found. Little by little it will start to feel like yours, like home if you let it. And keep that dream in sight, won't you? Good luck to you and yours, MrBrindle.

MrBrindle

Smodlet wrote: »

I too can relate. Our last house was the dream, the forever home but ssshhh happens and we had to leave and move to somewhere we had never even heard of. The second night here, I wanted to die. I won't bore you with everything that was wrong with this house as it would read like a book; the issues with yours sound minor by comparison.

OH was wonderful throughout the years-long process of making a hellhole into a home and did almost all the work himself. Short of winning the lottery, we are stuck here until we pop our clogs so have to make the best of things. You are not stuck forever, you still have a dream to cling to and you will have your smallholding some day.

I do wonder just how compatible your dream is with your partner's as you say she loves this house and you loved the last one, which she disliked. When the time is right, perhaps a discussion about what you both really want in the long term might be in order. You may both have to compromise somewhere to reach agreement.

For now, as everyone else has said, take the pressure off yourself and just live. Try cleaning something, maybe even painting something; it is amazing how showing any care for a place, even one you hate, invokes feelings of ownership or so I found. Little by little it will start to feel like yours, like home if you let it. And keep that dream in sight, won't you? Good luck to you and yours, MrBrindle.

The smallholding dream is both our dream, hers more than mine tbh! But just not an affordable option right now.

I have wanted to move back to my parents hometown, as I love the area and countryside. We're only 30mins away but sometimes I miss the place a lot. I guess with our daughter starting school and myself in a settled job here, moving back is looking more and more unlikely. But I only feel a great urge to move back when I'm anxious and stressed, so it may be my inner child calling.

MrBrindle

Doozergirl wrote: »

Anxiety is living in a future that isn't occurring. You're already living the feelings associated with another house move that is not happening right now. It's a complete waste of energy. The smallholding wasn't a viable option. This is where you are right now.

We can all have control on our feelings if we choose to take it. Feeling bad about something that is not happening is such a waste of energy and it creates feelings that you don't want.

Come back to now. It is a glorious day today. Can you see the countryside view you bought this house for? How's that looking right now? How wonderful is it that your little ones have all that space to look at and fields to ride horses directly behind? How do those thoughts make you feel? That's real! The worry about the next move is utterly false. *It is not occurring right now*. All you have to deal with is this minute.

We create feelings, they aren't actually handed to us. Mindfulness is all about right now. A cup of tea, the taste of it, the sunshine, the view, your love for your family. All real.

Also, regarding not sharing with friends - the moment I opened up to someone and told them that I had just been diagnosed depression & anxiety and was taking tablets, the reply was 'me too'. The astonishment I felt, the relief is still tangible to me. And since then, I make a point of sharing how I have felt and the reply is often 'me too'. You just don't know what people go through, but you'll find great similarities all around you. With that comes comfort. You are what you think you aren't - perfectly, imperfectly 'normal'. The pressures we think come from outside are actually created by a little voice within. Expose it.

Realised I hadn't replied to this. It was a lovely day, and the countryside view looked great. However my anxiety was there in the background due to how windy our location can be. I just kept thinking how the kids won't be able to enjoy the garden with this wind and what sort of effect it's having on the house.

My brother launched his business (cafe) in my hometown last night, and I felt quite tearful about the whole thing. Felt like I was missing out on the whole family circle back home. Really wish right now that we lived down the road from the parents, as our whole family grew up so close together.

Myself and my partner agreed to stay in this area (her hometown) rather than move back to my area, so I don't know why these feelings are so strong right now.

Smodlet

At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, if you don't like the wind, don't buy a house at the top of a hill. Equally, if you want to be in a different location to the one your partner wants, tell her you will not be happy until you move there.

Wales is really not that big; if you had really wanted to go this "do" last night, you could have gone. You have to help yourself; stand up for yourself or put up with the consequences. You are part of this relationship too, you have a voice.