Major buyers remorse

Doozergirl

MrBrindle wrote: »

I've been to talking therapy recently to cope with the stress, and she uses Transactional Analysis in her methods, so I can relate a lot to what you're saying.

However I've still been struggling with thoughts and worries, and even though I hate the thought of taking pills (which 15 years ago caused my dad to have a nervous breakdown), I'm not sure where to turn to now.

Don't associate the pills with what happened to your dad. Perhaps the pills came a little too late. Men especially often ask for help only when it's really bad.

You're on the right path. Don't ever expect those thoughts to stop altogether but you can gradually learn to entertain them less and you can also consciously start to think of the opposite too. "What's the worst that could happen?" Is a good question to ask yourself as the answer is never that bad. But like with the leak that doesn't exist, it doesn't exist. Remind yourself that there is no leak. If there is one, you will deal with it. The world won't end.

Your subconscious is triggering an adrenaline reaction to a threat that doesn't exist. Mindfulness helps as all that exists is this present moment. Bring yourself into exactly what is happening around you and realise it's not actually happening, it's your body tricking you.

If you have facebook, this guy and his fianc!e helped me no end:
https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1030954120&ref=content_filter

If you don't, the website is a bit random but it's called The Ministry of Inspiration. Not religious, more based on the idea that there should be a government department to help people feel good.

HWG

I went through something very similar to you.

I was always a bit of a worrier, but had never experienced any real mental health problems. But buying a house pushed my buttons in just the right way to send my anxiety rocketing. I just pushed through it, expecting it to disappear once we'd completed, but it didn't. It reduced a bit, but the flashes of panic in response to house-related things, the dread about finding problems, the constant worrying all remained.

It really left me in a state, and it bled into other parts of my life - work, home, social.

Things changed when I started treating it like an injury. I mean, that's what it was, a brain injury. Just like breaking a bone, I'd broken something in my head, and I couldn't do the stuff i used to do.

I went to the docs, got some medication (propanolol) to take the sting out of the panic attacks in the short term, plus some anti-anxiety medication (sertraline) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) over a few months.

The treatment was amazing. I did a lot of writing as part of my CBT, and you can really see the change in me. It starts off frantic, frazzled, urgent and jumping off on tangents, and ends cool, calm, hopeful and wiser about myself.

Seeing my GP was the best thing I could have done, and my only regret was not doing it sooner. Like physical injuries, mental health problems are usually recoverable, and I'm now stronger and better able to cope with what life throws at me. PM me if you'd like to chat more!

MrBrindle

n217970 wrote: »

Good suggestions above, from moving last year I can relate to your feelings. The old house was stuck in my head as "my house", I had bought it as a wreck and put a huge amount of effort into renovating it - all my own work no trades other then the absolute essentials. The new house is a similar age to yours and was bought as a "no work needs doing" house. How wrong I was, broken toilets, broken kitchen units, electrical issues, damaged garage door and failed CH pump are just the begining of the list. All fixed after 4 or so weeks but sooo draining at the time. It effected me differently I think, made me very irritated all the time. I sympathise with my wife as I know I was a right bell**d to live with.

All I can advise is to concentrate on the bad points of the old house, and the good on the new. It is so easy to look at it the other way around. 1 year on and we couldn't be happier now.

Also try to occupy yourself with something- my move occupied so much attention that after it happened I felt really flat for 6 months until I readjusted to new aims/targets.

That is basically me in a nutshell right now, I feel as flat as a pancake. My partner wants to put up new curtain rails, paint etc, but as horrible as it sounds I just can't be bothered.

We also brought the old house to life, re-wiring, re-plumbing, decorated everywhere. We put SO much energy into it. It was only this time last year I spent £800 in the garden, painting all the fences, putting up a pergola, relandscaping a big flower bed.

I know we left 'issues' in our old house, but the reason we bought this newer property was because it was hopefully going to be less maintenance. When you're mentally and physically knackered, facing newer unexpected problems has been tough.

I guess I feel a bit bitter as well. My partner never felt settled in our old house, and now I'm battling these feelings that maybe I never wanted to move, but went along for her. Tbh, I can't really tell right now. I know when I viewed this house I really liked it and thought there was nothing else on the market as good for the price. But there was no point staying when one of us was unhappy. Feeling very confused about my feelings.

MrBrindle

HWG wrote: »

I went through something very similar to you.

I was always a bit of a worrier, but had never experienced any real mental health problems. But buying a house pushed my buttons in just the right way to send my anxiety rocketing. I just pushed through it, expecting it to disappear once we'd completed, but it didn't. It reduced a bit, but the flashes of panic in response to house-related things, the dread about finding problems, the constant worrying all remained.

It really left me in a state, and it bled into other parts of my life - work, home, social.

Things changed when I started treating it like an injury. I mean, that's what it was, a brain injury. Just like breaking a bone, I'd broken something in my head, and I couldn't do the stuff i used to do.

I went to the docs, got some medication (propanolol) to take the sting out of the panic attacks in the short term, plus some anti-anxiety medication (sertraline) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) over a few months.

The treatment was amazing. I did a lot of writing as part of my CBT, and you can really see the change in me. It starts off frantic, frazzled, urgent and jumping off on tangents, and ends cool, calm, hopeful and wiser about myself.

Seeing my GP was the best thing I could have done, and my only regret was not doing it sooner. Like physical injuries, mental health problems are usually recoverable, and I'm now stronger and better able to cope with what life throws at me. PM me if you'd like to chat more!

Thanks for the post. I've also been a worrier, but obviously the worrying has evolved into a bigger problem over time. The therapist described me as a serious problems solver for problems that don't exist, always on alert for potential threats - as your described. Can be exhausting sometimes.

I have suffered severe anxiety spikes over the past 10 years, notably in 3rd year uni, couple of years ago over a health scare, and recently over houses.

I will be making an appointment with my GP, and as mentioned above, I'm starting a mindfullnes group course tonight so I'm hoping this will help.

Thanks a lot for the posts guys, much appreciated.

betsie

Hi
Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do so don!!!8217;t think you are unusual in feeling like this. We are in the middle of a move and I didn!!!8217;t think I was stressing but I!!!8217;ve just been to the dentist and he said I must be really grinding and clenching my teeth as I!!!8217;m wearing them out.
I lived in a windy house too (don!!!8217;t forget the weather has been awful so I!!!8217;m sure it will be fine in the summer) and you soon won!!!8217;t notice it. It!!!8217;s great for drying the washing.
Are you going to decorate any rooms? Could you start looking at paints, wallpaper etc to help it start feeling more like yours.
Are you enjoying having more space, a bigger kitchen etc think about those aspects and how they improve your family time in the house.
In six months time I!!!8217;m sure you won!!!8217;t give your other house a second thought and this house will have become your home. Just give yourself some time.

Lurkingtoposting17

Remember that if you broke your leg, people wouldn't tell you to walk it off. Currently what is "broken" is your mind, so to speak, and you need to fix it.

I am terribly British and not one for therapy but the house buying process and subsequent falling through last year made me terribly sick with anxiety and I ended up on sertraline (?).

I also advocate mindfulness, your therapist will help but I recommend the headspace app. I also use the "breathe" function on my apple watch to make me stop 3 times a day and just, be.

My house move that fell through was so stressful, and even though at points I didn't feel stressed my weight went up despite eating and working out normally and my skin broke out all over my body in hives for weeks. Anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms as well as mental.

My biggest advice would be deal with the anxiety first, and if you find it is situational (e.g. the house, and you really cannot settle) then make a decision from there. There are other threads on here from people who had buyers remorse who eventually learn to love their new home. Others never settle, but I think until you learn to cope with the anxiety you will struggle to see the wood from the trees.

My anxiety subsided, but did not completely disappear when my home fell through (because I felt like a failure when it became apparent I was no longer in a position to buy) 7 months later, I have just gone through something else terribly stressful (redundancy) and despite the fact I am already off the sertraline, and just using mindfulness, I have coped better than I expected. I keep waiting for the panic and tears to creep over me and overwhelm me but so far, I have coped.

You will too. Its great you are seeing someone, and talking about it. You have jumped the biggest hurdle. But for now, don't worry about if the house is perfect, its a roof over your head, and if it really isn't right - nothing is forever unless we want it to be. It's in your power to change your situation if you should need to.

Sending my very best wishes for your future happiness

dunroving

MrBrindle wrote: »

I am a parent as well, so feel quite a big amount of pressure to be normal around my kids! (3 and 1 year old)

Ashamed to say they saw a grown man cry over a house on the weekend!

No shame in a man crying.

cloo

It sounds like this is a lot more about anxiety and depression than it is about the house. The issues with it you mention are all minor but I guess they way you are feeling is amplifying things. I hope you can get some help to feel more positive soon and able to enjoy your home.

mdori003

So sorry that you have been through this; as someone who is a mental health professional and currently stressing about selling and moving it really chimed with me.

First of all, as others have said don't be afraid of emotion, bottling it up is not the answer.

With regards "treatment" you are doing the right thing seeing your doctor and mindfullness works very well with anxiety. CBT does sound like it could be very useful as you are already identifying "cognitive distortions" such as catatrophising and personalisation which are clearly affecting you deeply. I'd also advocate reading up on medication (not on forums!) but it is a personal choice; don't rule it out without doing yourself justice and researching it.

The feelings towards the house are likely a symptom more than a causative factor; you need to fix your mindset in the same way you will fix that leaky roof - it'll be hard work but you'll get there - good luck!

Tygermoth

HWG wrote: »

I went through something very similar to you.

I was always a bit of a worrier, but had never experienced any real mental health problems. But buying a house pushed my buttons in just the right way to send my anxiety rocketing. I just pushed through it, expecting it to disappear once we'd completed, but it didn't. It reduced a bit, but the flashes of panic in response to house-related things, the dread about finding problems, the constant worrying all remained.

It really left me in a state, and it bled into other parts of my life - work, home, social.

Things changed when I started treating it like an injury. I mean, that's what it was, a brain injury. Just like breaking a bone, I'd broken something in my head, and I couldn't do the stuff i used to do.

I went to the docs, got some medication (propanolol) to take the sting out of the panic attacks in the short term, plus some anti-anxiety medication (sertraline) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) over a few months.

The treatment was amazing. I did a lot of writing as part of my CBT, and you can really see the change in me. It starts off frantic, frazzled, urgent and jumping off on tangents, and ends cool, calm, hopeful and wiser about myself.

Seeing my GP was the best thing I could have done, and my only regret was not doing it sooner. Like physical injuries, mental health problems are usually recoverable, and I'm now stronger and better able to cope with what life throws at me. PM me if you'd like to chat more!

I have gone all teary and If i could thank this post a hundred times i would!


(and the rest of you lovely helpful people too!)