Major buyers remorse

MrBrindle

Good Morning,

Just reaching out for some advice.

We recently completed on a sale and purchase, which I found extremely stressful. Having anxious and depressive tendencies, I really struggled during the sale of our house, worrying about selling, worrying about buyers' survey results, catastrophising about problems in the house if we had to stay there (racks in walls being something serious etc) Posted a few threads on here looking for reassurance on different subjects!

We moved because we had an extremely over looked garden from all angles, small kitchen (partner wanted a kitchen diner, near impossible to knock through without being very costly), only private parking for one car, along with a few other personal reasons.

Our new house is a 2005 build on a hill at the end of quiet estate cul de sac overlooking the countryside. We've encountered some problems, mainly boiler losing pressure and garage door letting in rainwater. However being anxious I've been a bit worried about a leak somewhere in the pipework! The new house location is also quite windy sometimes which I'm finding quite off putting, even though it was windy each time we viewed!

On top of this, I'm feeling quite sad about the old house, almost grieving in a way. We only moved half a mile away so I pass the old house on way to work everyday. My partner doesn't miss it at all. I'm missing a lot of stuff.

My partner and MIL thinks I need to visit the docs, because my anxiety has been sky high for months during the sale and purchase. And while I thought it would die down after completion it has not.

Anyone else felt something similar after selling and buying? I'm hoping I'll settle after a few weeks but also worried I won't and I'll end up depressed being here!

Thanks in advance

Doozergirl

If you suffer with anxiety then it's that you need to concentrate on.

It is possible to heal. I hated our house for years after we moved in. I eventually realised the problem was in my head. Home is where the heart is, there's nothing wrong with our house. There's a saying: "wherever you go, there you are". We try and change our surroundings to make us happier, but it's us that's moving and our mental health coming with us. Nothing will change inside, it's that we need to alter.

I read a lot of books about anxiety and depression and things started to make sense. It was a journey but I have very little anxiety these days after a lifetime of suffering. The biggest thing I learned was that just becuase you think something, it doesn't make it true.

MrBrindle

Doozergirl wrote: »

If you suffer with anxiety then it's that you need to concentrate on.

It is possible to heal. I hated our house for years after we moved in. I eventually realised the problem was in my head. Home is where the heart is, there's nothing wrong with our house. There's a saying: "wherever you go, there you are". We try and change our surroundings to make us happier, but it's us that's moving and our mental health coming with us. Nothing will change inside, it's that we need to alter.

I read a lot of books about anxiety and depression and things started to make sense. It was a journey but I have very little anxiety these days after a lifetime of suffering. The biggest thing I learned was that just becuase you think something, it doesn't make it true.

Thanks for the advice. Yes I can recognise that the problems are within me, not externally, but it's still very difficult to ignore intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I am due to start an 8 week mindfullness course tonight with a local therapist, so I'm hoping that will help in some way.

Whats made this harder for me is that I come from a close knit family, who live 30mins away. My brother has settle back there now, and I feel a bit left out.

Is there a section on this forum for mental health and anxiety?

lovehols

We moved over Easter and emptied my old house as the sale hasn't gone through yet.

Despite a full building survey and a septic tank survey, which have us the assurances the house wasn't falling down and at least we know structurally it's good for our major renovation work in 12-18 months after planning, we have had electrical issues - still can't get lights working in half the house, an alarm that keeps going off linked to the smoke alarm (now fixed thank god our neighbours were understanding) and a dated shower that the element has gone in and having to replace the boiler thermostat which worked for all of a day.

We have gone from a lovely house where everything worked to one that we are living in with miss matched furniture, drafty windows, half the house lit up by candlelight and washing my hair with a saucepan in the bath.

I do miss having everything working, but then I remember what my other house was like before. It's not going to be perfect straight away and the fact I had a week off work to get the house rid of dog wee smelling carpets and decorate before the removals came and I'm mentally and physically shattered after a week off and now need a holiday!

Remember you fell in love with the house for a reason. Try and enjoy it, accept everything won't be perfect straight away and try and accept it. I say this even though I'll be still washing my hair with a saucepan in the bank tripping over boxes because the power has tripped out!!!

Keep positive.

loveka

Mumsnet has an excellent anxiety forum. You don't have to be a parent.

MrBrindle

loveka wrote: »

Mumsnet has an excellent anxiety forum. You don't have to be a parent.

I am a parent as well, so feel quite a big amount of pressure to be normal around my kids! (3 and 1 year old)

Ashamed to say they saw a grown man cry over a house on the weekend!

shortcrust

I think it's normal to go through a bit of a grieving process when you move. It takes me around six months to start to feel that a new place is becoming a home. Be a bit kind to yourself and give yourself some time to adjust.

If anxiety is a problem for you a trip to the doctors might not be a bad idea. But I really wouldn't want my mother in law telling me that!

[Deleted User]

MrBrindle wrote: »

I am a parent as well, so feel quite a big amount of pressure to be normal around my kids! (3 and 1 year old)

Ashamed to say they saw a grown man cry over a house on the weekend!

I vomited in a bush when we bought our very first house. :rotfl:

I have never had any debt. No overdraft, no credit cards, no car loans etc - I have always saved up and bought for cash, or gone without if I could not afford something.

When we bought our very first house we took a half day off work to sign the paperwork. We both left our places of work and drove into the local town to the solicitors. This meant that were were parked into different car parks. When we left the solicitor I got back to my own car and suddenly released that I was in so, so much debt and it made me feel physically sick. Hence the decorated bush incident.

And I am someone who is almost unflappable, but buying and moving house are really stressful.

As Doozergirl has posted concentrate on the anxiety and not the house Also, tell your family you feel a bit left out and arrange for them to come to the new house for a tea and cake housewarming.

Doozergirl

MrBrindle wrote: »

I am a parent as well, so feel quite a big amount of pressure to be normal around my kids! (3 and 1 year old)

Ashamed to say they saw a grown man cry over a house on the weekend!

Where's that pressure coming from? It's coming from inside your head. There are no rules. It's stuff you've 'learned' that comes and talks rubbish to you. When you hear yourself talking about being ashamed, think of what you'd say to a friend if you hear that voice telling you that men don't behave that way. We are our own worst enemies. Be kind to yourself, thank the critical little b****** in your head for it's opinion and ignore it. Consciously tell yourself it's okay to be like that. Not being okay with it perpetuates it.

It's perfectly okay to cry. It's perfectly okay for a man to cry. It's also okay not to be okay. Why would we teach our kids anything other than it's okay to have feelings? The problems start when when you hide them.

No such thing as normal. Normal sucks. Normal is 5/10.

MrBrindle

Doozergirl wrote: »

Where's that pressure coming from? It's coming from inside your head. There are no rules. It's stuff you've 'learned' that comes and talks rubbish to you. When you hear yourself talking about being ashamed, think of what you'd say to a friend if you hear that voice telling you that men don't behave that way. We are our own worst enemies. Be kind to yourself, thank the critical little b****** in your head for it's opinion and ignore it. Consciously tell yourself it's okay to be like that. Not being okay with it perpetuates it.

It's perfectly okay to cry. It's perfectly okay for a man to cry. It's also okay not to be okay. Why would we teach our kids anything other than it's okay to have feelings? The problems start when when you hide them.

No such thing as normal. Normal sucks. Normal is 5/10.

I've been to talking therapy recently to cope with the stress, and she uses Transactional Analysis in her methods, so I can relate a lot to what you're saying.

However I've still been struggling with thoughts and worries, and even though I hate the thought of taking pills (which 15 years ago caused my dad to have a nervous breakdown), I'm not sure where to turn to now.

n217970

Good suggestions above, from moving last year I can relate to your feelings. The old house was stuck in my head as "my house", I had bought it as a wreck and put a huge amount of effort into renovating it - all my own work no trades other then the absolute essentials. The new house is a similar age to yours and was bought as a "no work needs doing" house. How wrong I was, broken toilets, broken kitchen units, electrical issues, damaged garage door and failed CH pump are just the begining of the list. All fixed after 4 or so weeks but sooo draining at the time. It effected me differently I think, made me very irritated all the time. I sympathise with my wife as I know I was a right bell**d to live with.

All I can advise is to concentrate on the bad points of the old house, and the good on the new. It is so easy to look at it the other way around. 1 year on and we couldn't be happier now.

Also try to occupy yourself with something- my move occupied so much attention that after it happened I felt really flat for 6 months until I readjusted to new aims/targets.