Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone

NeilCr

FBaby wrote: »

*But I think my bottom line is that, in general, it's best to try and talk about a problem first*
Of course it is, and most will try this. It is usually when indeed communication is severed, usually because it becomes a case of two people wanting to be heard so badly they lose the will/ability to listen that things go wrong.

You say that you are happy and settled, but someone in my family had an affair at 70 and it took everyone by surprised because in their case, they'd been married happily for 45 years and he was so in love with his wife and attentive all these years. However, when she started to suffer from signs of dementia, he couldn't cope. He became scared, and then very lonely. He felt he couldn't discuss his feelings because that was a selfish thing to do when his wife was so distressed. A friend of theirs had just lost her husband to cancer and being able to talk to each other about their grief drew them together.

I think the affair was more emotional than physical, started as a genuine friendship, but turned into more than that when they realised they needed each other. He did stay with his wife until they end, but he and the other woman moved in together afterwards. He is now 82!

It does happen even in older age!

Aah. That's sad.

I know someone whose wife became very ill and he was the full time carer. He had a female friend who he saw once a month. He felt so guilty leaving his wife for that one day but it was his lifeline. He couldn't bring himself to tell his wife (quite rightly IMHO) in case it damaged her health even more. And that was platonic.

Of course it happens in later life which was what I was saying to Ska-lover. In fact, rather more than some on here might believe.

JayJay100

Oh, this could have been written by a good friend of mine. Her ex did have an affair, and she's never really dealt with that. She remarried and all was well, until she had a baby. For the last five years, she's been convinced that her new husband is having an affair, and spent thousands on private detectives, tracking equipment and even a lie detector. Nothing has been found. It is heart-breaking as she genuinely believes that she's right, and constantly refers to gut feelings. The reality is that the only thing she will accept is that he is having an affair, and she's in the endless cycle of just needing the proof, even though there isn't any.

For my own experience, my ex was having an affair, and I didn't have a clue. Even now, twenty-odd years later, he's still denying it, which is slightly ironic, as the woman he had the affair with and he left me for, has told me every detail.

jayII

NeilCr wrote: »

No. Never.

It's because I know her and us. It's just not going to happen. Maybe because we are older - but, much more likely, it's because we are happy, settled and content with each other and our relationship. And we trust each other and are open and honest. If there was a problem we'd discuss it - not follow the other person or get ourselves in a state worrying about something that may or may not have happened.

Personally, I am much happier going through life with that outlook than the "what if" "doubt in the back of the mind" attitude that seems to pervade here. That just eats away at you.

And, yep, I know couples where the unthinkable happens as you have mentioned. But I also have friends who have been together for ages, trusted each other and have lived happily ever after. Contrary to some opinion.

To add. This is on her. As I've said there were communication issues in my previous relationship. She had to work on me when we first met to articulate how I felt, if there was a problem etc. And to stop me saying sorry all the time!

That's a brave approach to take! Mine is slightly different approach--I agree that it's healthy to avoid having "what if's" niggling at the back of your mind.

I've dealt with the issue by (long ago) mentally planning how I'd cope financially and practically if my OH left me (or if I left him because he'd had an affair). I am confident that I can support myself financially and can provide a roof for any of our young adult children who need/want it, should my marriage end. I don't think he will ever be unfaithful, but I also don't feel the need to worry about it, because I know I'd be okay.

Before anyone says "what about illness?", I currently have a life-threatening illness, but I have enough security in place to know that I'd still be okay if my marriage collapsed.

I don't care about "being made a fool of" because I believe people should be judged by their own behaviour, not their partner's and that cheaters are not worth anyone's time, effort or consideration. Growing up in a toxic household caused by one parent's repeated infidelity and later having my heart broken by a cheating partner has led to me having zero tolerance for people who don't end one relationship before starting another.

I couldn't manage your attitude but my way works for me.

NeilCr

jayII wrote: »

That's a brave approach to take! Mine is slightly different approach--I agree that it's healthy to avoid having "what if's" niggling at the back of your mind.

I've dealt with the issue by (long ago) mentally planning how I'd cope financially and practically if my OH left me (or if I left him because he'd had an affair). I am confident that I can support myself financially and can provide a roof for any of our young adult children who need/want it, should my marriage end. I don't think he will ever be unfaithful, but I also don't feel the need to worry about it, because I know I'd be okay.

Before anyone says "what about illness?", I currently have a life-threatening illness, but I have enough security in place to know that I'd still be okay if my marriage collapsed.

I don't care about "being made a fool of" because I believe people should be judged by their own behaviour, not their partner's and that cheaters are not worth anyone's time, effort or consideration. Growing up in a toxic household caused by one parent's repeated infidelity and later having my heart broken by a cheating partner has led to me having zero tolerance for people who don't end one relationship before starting another.

I couldn't manage your attitude but my way works for me.

Whatever works for you is good.

I am not sure it's particularly brave but, certainly, avoiding the doubts that a lot of people seem to have (God knows how JayJay100s friend and her husband cope) is much healthier for me.

As you suggest our attitudes can be informed by our experiences. In our case my OH has had two "cheaters" (one financial, one affairs) before me and that has formed how she approached our relationship. She was very, very clear about how she saw it working and what she wouldn't tolerate. To be honest, her directness took me back rather a lot as it hadn't happened to me before. But, it was a good thing as there was a lot of clarity before we started going out.

It's quite funny now. I say things that I think are natural and she keeps saying "you are really not like other men, are you?. :beer::beer::cool::cool:

globetraveller

Comms69 wrote: »

What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.

When he has told his wife that he doesn't love her anymore he isn't exactly an innocent party.

Comms69

globetraveller wrote: »

When he has told his wife that he doesn't love her anymore he isn't exactly an innocent party.

Why not??!!


Think that's a horrible thing to say. At least he's being honest! Why should he stay silent in a loveless relationship??!!


God forbid that you fall out of love with someone - who on the face of it is quite controlling too!

Pollycat

Comms69 wrote: »

Why not??!!


Think that's a horrible thing to say. At least he's being honest! Why should he stay silent in a loveless relationship??!!


God forbid that you fall out of love with someone - who on the face of it is quite controlling too!

I agree 100%.

Just because someone no longer loves his wife/her husband doesn't make them 'not exactly an innocent party'.

What exactly is he guilty of?
From the other thread, he doesn't really sound like he's acted like a prince (massive understatement there) but there is no evidence - or at least no evidence that the OP has shared - that he is having an affair.

And I'm glad the topic has come back round to the OP.
Will she be back, I wonder?

NBLondon

sunshinegirl100 has a thread about cheating and so might be offering expert advice there :think:

Pollycat

NBLondon wrote: »

sunshinegirl100 has a thread about cheating and so might be offering expert advice there :think:

I believe it's 'had' a thread.
I think it's been deleted.
Some posters were accusing others of having AEs, some others were accusing posters of being bullies.

Emily1968

I know how feels to feel like patner is cheeting