Wanting to move away - ex will try and stop me

swingaloo

lynseydee wrote: »

Just because I would like to move away from where I am now doesn't mean contact is going to be any less, I would think about ways of doing it that would work for both of us.

Impossible even with the best intentions. At thee moment you say he sees his dad every other weekend. Just how do you think that's going to happen if you are 200 miles away.

Speaking as someone married to a man who had a child 218 miles away I can tell you its hell keeping up the contact. To travel that distance and return home in a day is extremely hard on a regular basis. We used to leave home at 6am, drive for 4 hours (public transport is difficult at weekends), spend 6 hours with his child the drive back which took at least another 4 hours and usually more because of traffic. To stay overnight does not work if you haver to work the next day plus the cost is astronomical.

Then what you do in those 6 hours with the child, you cant take them back to yours as its 200 miles away and there are only so many times you can see a film, visit the baths, sit in a cafe before the child finds the visits boring. Wandering the streets for 6 hours is not fun, especially if the child is tired or the weather is lousy.

Are you going to share the travelling with your ex, are you going to wander round the shops for hours while they spend time together then pick him up and drive home?

That's without thinking about Birthdays and Christmas. Its not possible to pop round with a present when the distance is so great.

Just because he was a lousy partner does not mean he is a lousy dad but by moving so far you are taking away his chance to show this.

Are you going to agree to share the cost of his travel when he comes all that way to see his son?

So by saying that 'contact isn't going to be any less' it shows that you have not thought the move through properly.

Aced2016

lynseydee wrote: »

Why would you think I've got a hidden agenda? Do you think I've made up everything above? My son always comes first. If that means having him growing up with a better role model then that must make me the worst mother in the world.



I'm so pleased you've never been in an abusive relationship. He's controlling and manipulative and I'm just glad I came to my senses when I did. I just hope you nor no one else gets into the same situation. I had friends and family telling me he was no good but I was in love with him and he made sure of that, to the point that leaving him wasn't an option.



I've never stopped contact. The reason he took me to court was because he'd lost control of me as I was standing up for myself. All that came out of it was a legal bill for him as the Judge basically agreed to the same contact I was suggesting in the first place. In fact he denied himself an extra 26 days of seeing his son a year as having him on a Friday for dinner was "more convenient" for him.

I'm currently living an hour away from him as I moved back to be near my family as they helped me out at the time I moved out of the house with no notice. He's refusing to sell the house and wants to stay where he is.

So you want to basically replace his dad with a great role model! Wow
Out of curiosity how do you know the new boyfriends so great ? I mean everything's great just now, only know him a short time. Don't live together etc so a year down the line when the butterflies are gone you may see more clearly.
And your son doesn't need a replacement he has a dad ! And you say so much about him he's this and that etc. Yet you seemed desperate to get pregnant to him, then took him back for 3 years. You've also moved your son far before, seem to expect him to cover your housing, and now want to take his boy to live with a stranger cutting him out. Yeah I think I see why he isn't exactly pleasant to deal with.

Bottom line you are putting your needs before your sons, you don't like that people have told you that.

Tabbytabitha

lynseydee wrote: »

I'm so pleased you've never been in an abusive relationship. He's controlling and manipulative and I'm just glad I came to my senses when I did. I just hope you nor no one else gets into the same situation. I had friends and family telling me he was no good but I was in love with him and he made sure of that, to the point that leaving him wasn't an option.

I think many of us have been in an abusive relationship and can empathise with this but it's choosing to have a child with an abuser that's puzzling. Some abusers force their partner into having a child with them as a form of control but, in your case it seems that your ex didn't even want a child and you just pushed ahead regardless.

I do think your new partner should show his commitment by moving nearer to you.

maman

We don't know the details but maybe asking for Friday afternoons was to fit in with work. You've told us about new boyfriend's work but what about ex? Does he contribute to son?

WibblyGirly

Aced2016 wrote: »

So you want to basically replace his dad with a great role model! Wow
Out of curiosity how do you know the new boyfriends so great ? I mean everything's great just now, only know him a short time. Don't live together etc so a year down the line when the butterflies are gone you may see more clearly.
And your son doesn't need a replacement he has a dad ! And you say so much about him he's this and that etc. Yet you seemed desperate to get pregnant to him, then took him back for 3 years. You've also moved your son far before, seem to expect him to cover your housing, and now want to take his boy to live with a stranger cutting him out. Yeah I think I see why he isn't exactly pleasant to deal with.

Bottom line you are putting your needs before your sons, you don't like that people have told you that.

She says the boyfriend is an old family friend. Being a couple is new but knowing him isn't.

zackyv6661

I think people are being very quick to judge the OP here. If you have not been in an abusive relationship, you won't understand how much the OP has (and is still) going through. Where is empathy and compassion?

lynseydee - Having been in an abusive relationship myself previously, I really do feel for you, and I completely understand how you must be feeling. I was lucky that I never had kids with my ex, but I can only imagine how increasingly difficult that makes things for you! Your ex sounds a lot like mine! I am glad to hear that you managed to walk away from the relationship when you did. It takes a lot to get to that point of walking away.

As I said, I don't have kids myself, so I cannot possibly advise you on that, however I would recommend seeking legal advice - I think you will receive the non-judgemental advice which you need by doing so.

I wish you and your son all the very best!

Detroit

I struggle with the idea that the relationship with a biological parent is the most important factor, and should be preserved at all costs.

The son 'needs' his father? Rationally, in this situation as described by the OP, on what is this based?

By OPs account, her son's father has been a very poor parent, up to and including being violent to his son's mother.

He attacked her while holding their child.

Assuming this to be true, why would anyone think continued close contact with this person has to be the best option for the child, just because they are their natural father?

Obviously the OP doesn't know if it will work out with her new partner, and for this reason, I agree she should be cautious about involving her son in the relationship until she is sure.

However, if it turns out her new partner is decent, kind and the good role model she thinks he is, perhaps 'replacing' her son's father with him would actually be better for the child.
After all, there are a great many step parents out there doing a far better job than their predecessors.

Red-Squirrel_2

Detroit wrote: »

In fairness, the OP has provided additional information that does cast a different light on things.

From what i’ve Seen on this forum that happens a lot when the first few replies don’t go the way the OP wanted.

A history of abuse seems an odd thing to omit from the first post when it is so clearly relevant and would affect opinions.

Doodles

Detroit wrote: »

By OPs account, her son's father has been a very poor parent, up to and including being violent to his son's mother.

He attacked her while holding their child.

Assuming this to be true, why would anyone think continued close contact with this person has to be the best option for the child, just because they are their natural father?

As I am reading it, the OP has thought continued contact is the right thing to do. For the last 2 and a half years (at least) the father is having regular contact. She has not expressed any concern about violence or undesirable behaviour towards their son in this thread. I'm sure she wouldn't allow contact if he had.

FBaby

I'm just glad I came to my senses when I did.

Except that you haven't. You have known someone for only 12 months, it's been a long distance relationship, yet you've fallen in love with him and that's enough for you to think he's mister perfect to the point of having already decided that he would be a better dad to your son. A man who is already controlling you by saying that he can't possibly move your way because of his job and that you need to uproot yourself and you son yet one more time.

What it sounds like is you are repeating history. What you need to hear is that no, it is NOT normal to trust someone you've only had a long distance relationship with for a year enough to uproot yourself and more importantly your child.

You do come across here (accept that it doesn't forcibly reflect how you are in real life) as quite desperate to be with someone and prepared to only see what suits you. You don't need to rush into this, accept that before you live with your partner, you can't claim to know it fully and that at the stage you are, it is still the honeymoon period, you still have so much to learn about each other.