Wanting to move away - ex will try and stop me

System

200 miles is a lot of miles for your Sons Father to travel to come to see his Son. By the time he gets to him he will be worn out and what use is that to your Son.

Please put your Sons needs before your own.

TBagpuss

OP, if you moved then you would then be in breach of the existing contact order, as obviously the current level of contact could not continue. So it would be appropriate for you to apply to vary the order, and when you made the application, to have concrete proposals for how contact could work moving forward.
Think about:
- including regular conversations via Skype or Facetime as well as direct contact, and phone calls direct contact
- have specific suggestions about how the travelling will work - how do you propose this is divided between you and your ex, taking into account what would be least disruptive for your son
- Be prepared to offer additional contact in holidays if regular weekly contact won't work
- include offers of additional contact local to your (proposed) new home, if you ex is able to travel to take up that offer.
- show that you have thought about things like the disruption your son will experience in changing schools and moving away from his friends - how are you addressing that? (e.g. plan to time your move to coincide with school terms times)

s your ex likely to apply for your son to live with him? A court could, if he did that, decide that it was less disruptive for your son to remain in the local area, and to live with his dad and have contact with you, than to move with you to a new area. It's probably more likely that a court would agree to you and your son both moving, if they were satisfied that you were committed to ensuring that contact continued.

Strictly speaking, a court cannot stop you from moving, but they could forbid you to take your son out of the local area, which would have the same practical effect.

Courts do tend to take into account why you want to move, so being able to show that your move is to benefit you and your family, rather than to try to reduce contact or make it more difficult, would be important.

all that said, you have been with your partner for a relatively short time, and have never actually lived together, and it sounds as though if you did move, you would be moving away from your own family and support networks. With that in mind, I would suggest that if you possibly can, you continue with the long distance relationship and with your partner looking for new work closer to you, so that you can avoid the disruption to your son, and also stay where your family and support networks are

pearl123

Why doesn't you partner/boyfriend come to you. You are the one with the child after all. Talking every day via facetime or skype is not a relationship.

lynseydee

I can't believe the amount of negativity I'm getting. For everyone's information when I married my ex I imagined us spending the rest of our lives together. He, over the years, ground me down so much, putting restrictions on me spending time with my friends and family, lying to me and making me afraid to approach him about starting a family that it took my doctor and consultant to tell me that if I didn't start a family by the time I was 35 (I have a medical condition that could have prevented me becoming pregnant) then there was a chance I wouldn't have children at all for me to bring up the subject with him.

Whilst pregnant he left me until he realised I was going to put the baby before him and we got back together again, but as a new mum to be never experienced the whole exciting pregnancy thing that other expectant mothers do.

He never once lifted a finger once our son was born, stopped me breastfeeding him and never changed a nappy until he was three years old and that was only because by then we'd separated and he knew I wouldn't be there to do it.

I ended up with post natal depression, which when diagnosed I was told by my doctor it was likely I'd had depression before that but never realised, and had to put up with being told I was being lazy and snide remarks.

I've had to put up with him posting online making up lies about me meeting up with various men and "god knows what men she's introducing to our son" and trying to make out I only want custody of our son to entitle me to benefits.

I've had him put his hands on my throat on two occasions and one of those occasions was whilst I had our son in my hands.

Maybe I'm not putting my son's interests first, since that is what you're all thinking, as if I was I would have stopped contact altogether claiming he's not a good role model to his son and his son shouldn't have to deal with this sort of behaviour at such a young age, but, no, I've taken the stance that my son is too young to understand what his father is like and hopefully he will make up his own mind about him when he gets older.

Just because I would like to move away from where I am now doesn't mean contact is going to be any less, I would think about ways of doing it that would work for both of us.

If my ex did have our son's interests at heart he wouldn't be trying to outdo me with what I'm entitled to from the matrimonial home. He's making it difficult for me to be able to afford to stay living around here what with house prices as high as they are and I certainly won't be able to rent for much longer with the rents being the same.

As for friends and family, I have no friends where I live and the only real family I have is my mum who has said she would look to move down with us.

And why is everyone ending my relationship for me? If we all went into relationships thinking this might not work out we'd never have any relationships at all. I have finally found someone who loves me for who I am, doesn't judge me and doesn't dictate to me what I can do and who I can see. Isn't that a good role model for my son? And I can't help that I found and fell in love with that person who is a great distance away from me.

My question here was if I was going to do it whether he could stop me? I wasn't asking for relationship or parenting advice.

I thought I would ask my question on here rather than on one of the many other forums as this website is my number one go to, but if I'm going to be shot down for asking the question then maybe I shouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.

I hope that you are all in loving, caring relationships, or will be, have children with each other and live happily ever after. That's all I ever wanted was to be happy with someone and have children but unfortunately he had other ideas.

I think I will seek legal advice as suggested by Detroit and see what happens.

Comms69

lynseydee wrote: »

I can't believe the amount of negativity I'm getting. For everyone's information when I married my ex I imagined us spending the rest of our lives together. He, over the years, ground me down so much, putting restrictions on me spending time with my friends and family, lying to me and making me afraid to approach him about starting a family that it took my doctor and consultant to tell me that if I didn't start a family by the time I was 35 (I have a medical condition that could have prevented me becoming pregnant) then there was a chance I wouldn't have children at all for me to bring up the subject with him.

Whilst pregnant he left me until he realised I was going to put the baby before him and we got back together again, but as a new mum to be never experienced the whole exciting pregnancy thing that other expectant mothers do.

He never once lifted a finger once our son was born, stopped me breastfeeding him and never changed a nappy until he was three years old and that was only because by then we'd separated and he knew I wouldn't be there to do it.

I ended up with post natal depression, which when diagnosed I was told by my doctor it was likely I'd had depression before that but never realised, and had to put up with being told I was being lazy and snide remarks.

I've had to put up with him posting online making up lies about me meeting up with various men and "god knows what men she's introducing to our son" and trying to make out I only want custody of our son to entitle me to benefits.

I've had him put his hands on my throat on two occasions and one of those occasions was whilst I had our son in my hands. - So far literally it was all 'me, me, me.'

Maybe I'm not putting my son's interests first, since that is what you're all thinking, as if I was I would have stopped contact altogether claiming he's not a good role model to his son and his son shouldn't have to deal with this sort of behaviour at such a young age, but, no, I've taken the stance that my son is too young to understand what his father is like and hopefully he will make up his own mind about him when he gets older. - you don't have the right to stop contact

Just because I would like to move away from where I am now doesn't mean contact is going to be any less, I would think about ways of doing it that would work for both of us.

If my ex did have our son's interests at heart he wouldn't be trying to outdo me with what I'm entitled to from the matrimonial home. He's making it difficult for me to be able to afford to stay living around here what with house prices as high as they are and I certainly won't be able to rent for much longer with the rents being the same.

As for friends and family, I have no friends where I live and the only real family I have is my mum who has said she would look to move down with us.

And why is everyone ending my relationship for me? If we all went into relationships thinking this might not work out we'd never have any relationships at all. I have finally found someone who loves me for who I am, doesn't judge me and doesn't dictate to me what I can do and who I can see. Isn't that a good role model for my son? And I can't help that I found and fell in love with that person who is a great distance away from me.

My question here was if I was going to do it whether he could stop me? I wasn't asking for relationship or parenting advice.

I thought I would ask my question on here rather than on one of the many other forums as this website is my number one go to, but if I'm going to be shot down for asking the question then maybe I shouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.

I hope that you are all in loving, caring relationships, or will be, have children with each other and live happily ever after. That's all I ever wanted was to be happy with someone and have children but unfortunately he had other ideas.

I think I will seek legal advice as suggested by Detroit and see what happens.

- TL DR : Didn't get answer hoped for, despite almost unanimous verdict from strangers on the internet with no hidden agenda.

pinkshoes

lynseydee wrote: »

I can't believe the amount of negativity I'm getting. For everyone's information when I married my ex I imagined us spending the rest of our lives together. He, over the years, ground me down so much, putting restrictions on me spending time with my friends and family, lying to me and making me afraid to approach him about starting a family that it took my doctor and consultant to tell me that if I didn't start a family by the time I was 35 (I have a medical condition that could have prevented me becoming pregnant) then there was a chance I wouldn't have children at all for me to bring up the subject with him.

This makes it sound even worse. You knew he was vile and still chose to bring a baby into the world with him as it was your last chance to have a baby.

WHY????

I appreciate you want to get away from him but you need to take some responsibility for your choices 6 years ago.

He has the right to see his son, and at least if he is close you have more control over this.

FBaby

Maybe I'm not putting my son's interests first, since that is what you're all thinking, as if I was I would have stopped contact altogether claiming he's not a good role model to his son and his son shouldn't have to deal with this sort of behaviour at such a young age, but, no, I've taken the stance that my son is too young to understand what his father is like and hopefully he will make up his own mind about him when he gets older.

That's a lot of rubbish and you know it. You have no right to stop contact, and indeed, that's probably why he's taken you to court so that legally, you can't do so. It's nothing to do with you thinking about your son's best interests to have regular contact with his dad.

I do sympathise for you, of course you want to share your life with the man you think will make you happy. There is no shame but acknowledging that, but you don't need to rush it a the cost of what is good for your son. Take your time to plan it so that it is less likely to put you and your son at risk. It might take a bit longer for your partner to find a job locally, but it will happen if he is committed to looking. It doesn't have to be in the town you currently live either, just close enough so that your son can still have regular visitation with his dad without too much disruption. 1/2 hour is fine, 1 hour not ideal but acceptable at a push, more than that makes it difficult for everyone.

Until you all move it together, you can't assume that everything will be great, so you need to consider what would happen if it didn't work out. That's why it always better for the childless person to move in with the parent and child.

No one is telling you to forget about building a new life with someone and finding happiness again, what posters are trying to make you accept is that you are lying to yourself by pretending that you are not putting your child's happiness at risk for the benefit of your own happiness.

Marvel1

:wall: drip feeding information.

Doodles

lynseydee wrote: »

Detroit, trust me, my partner has tried to get a transfer through work but because he's in a managerial position it's more difficult for him to be transferred than if he was in a lower position. Yes, he could find another job but he's been with his current employer for 15 years and has good benefits with them which he would lose and wouldn't get with another company. I live in quite an expensive area of the country where rents especially are quite high. I know once the divorce is finalised I'm going to struggle to rent and not need to dip into any settlement I get. A settlement that is supposed to help me get a secure property for me and my son.

It is not fair that your new partner expect you to uproot yourself and your son to live 200 miles away.

If he really cares for you and your son, it should be him making the sacrifice of finding employment near you if you want to live together as a family unit. Yes, I understand that it means leaving a long term employer, and good benefits.

But at the end of the day, a job is just a job.

I am not going to be judgemental towards you. Your ex sounds like a horrid person. But a horrid partner can still be a good dad - if you have had no problem with him seeing your son so regularly, that sounds like they do have a good relationship. It would be sad to take that away from your son.

Make life easier on yourself and your son, stay in a reasonable distance of your ex to have access, in an area that is cheaper to rent, and ask your new partner to find a new job near you.

lynseydee

Comms69 wrote: »

- TL DR : Didn't get answer hoped for, despite almost unanimous verdict from strangers on the internet with no hidden agenda.

Why would you think I've got a hidden agenda? Do you think I've made up everything above? My son always comes first. If that means having him growing up with a better role model then that must make me the worst mother in the world.

pinkshoes wrote: »

This makes it sound even worse. You knew he was vile and still chose to bring a baby into the world with him as it was your last chance to have a baby.

WHY????

I appreciate you want to get away from him but you need to take some responsibility for your choices 6 years ago.

He has the right to see his son, and at least if he is close you have more control over this.

I'm so pleased you've never been in an abusive relationship. He's controlling and manipulative and I'm just glad I came to my senses when I did. I just hope you nor no one else gets into the same situation. I had friends and family telling me he was no good but I was in love with him and he made sure of that, to the point that leaving him wasn't an option.

FBaby wrote: »

That's a lot of rubbish and you know it. You have no right to stop contact, and indeed, that's probably why he's taken you to court so that legally, you can't do so. It's nothing to do with you thinking about your son's best interests to have regular contact with his dad.

I do sympathise for you, of course you want to share your life with the man you think will make you happy. There is no shame but acknowledging that, but you don't need to rush it a the cost of what is good for your son. Take your time to plan it so that it is less likely to put you and your son at risk. It might take a bit longer for your partner to find a job locally, but it will happen if he is committed to looking. It doesn't have to be in the town you currently live either, just close enough so that your son can still have regular visitation with his dad without too much disruption. 1/2 hour is fine, 1 hour not ideal but acceptable at a push, more than that makes it difficult for everyone.

Until you all move it together, you can't assume that everything will be great, so you need to consider what would happen if it didn't work out. That's why it always better for the childless person to move in with the parent and child.

No one is telling you to forget about building a new life with someone and finding happiness again, what posters are trying to make you accept is that you are lying to yourself by pretending that you are not putting your child's happiness at risk for the benefit of your own happiness.

I've never stopped contact. The reason he took me to court was because he'd lost control of me as I was standing up for myself. All that came out of it was a legal bill for him as the Judge basically agreed to the same contact I was suggesting in the first place. In fact he denied himself an extra 26 days of seeing his son a year as having him on a Friday for dinner was "more convenient" for him.

I'm currently living an hour away from him as I moved back to be near my family as they helped me out at the time I moved out of the house with no notice. He's refusing to sell the house and wants to stay where he is.