Limiting my parent's spending - goHenry

Mojisola

ent_moot wrote: »

From a purely financial perspective: if things collapse, they will lose their house, my mother's private income and burn through the equity they have. This means no inheritance. If, however, they can keep their house and become self-sufficient, then they may have something to pass on.

And how much will you have paid out for this possible inheritance?

p00hsticks

ent_moot wrote: »

Hello,

I'm looking for a practical way to limit my parents spending.

Are you close by ? If so, suggest that they give you all their cards for safekeeping, ensure that all their essential bills (utilities etc) are set up to be paid by DD, change/lock out their online banking password and you give them a weekly cash amount (which you withdraw using thier ATM card) for all their non-DD bills - once it's gone, it's gone.

But any solution is going to require their full commitment - there are always ways for a junkie to get their fix if they are not 100% determined to change their habits.

SevenOfNine

On the one hand your approach is extremely admirable, on the other somewhat idiotic. Rock & a hard place springs to mind & I don't envy your dilema.

Constantly bailing them out & hoping that when the pension finally kicks in they'll manage their finances better & have a comfy retirement I fear is something of a pipedream. They won't manage any better then than they do now - you're aiding them in their bad financial habits on a monthly basis, coming to their rescue each & every time. I truly respect you for that, but it's not working is it!

Though I do appreciate that you hope you're also investing in a better retirement for them. I wouldn't count on trying to retain anything as a possible inheritance much further down the line. Eg care home fees might swallow up most of the value of the property when the current mum/dad both alive circumstances change. The future doesn't always hold what you think it will.

It's easy to say stop bailing them out, not easy to do, they're your parents & you are trying to do the right thing. I'm wondering if they've always been generous towards others over the years, happy to give to people they feel are less fortunate than themselves. Or are they more inclined to do that now they have 'Bank of Son' to fall back on?

Xylophone's solution in #3 sounds like a good workable solution, though I've a feeling your mother may be working on a cash in hand basis? At least with the primary bills paid from their own income (by s/o or d/d), no c/c to run up debt on & no access to that a/c to withdraw & fritter away on others, separate a/c with ATM card to access the allowance from you for 'spends', they may finally learn to put their own needs first, leaving the rest of the grown ups to manage theirs.

When mum runs out of petrol, best to just leave that for a while (as long as dad does not have appointments he needs transporting to), she's got to learn the consequences of chauffeuring the GF all over the place, no petrol, no use of car for her own needs either.

For me, the weekly shopping springs to mind. If the ATM cash has run out in the first couple of weeks it may be that you need to step in A BIT there. I don't mean you let her loose in Tesco, you either take her/them or ask her for a list & do an on-line shop delivered to them. Either way you monitor closely what they actually need only for themselves, no-one else. BUT, if it keeps happening then your monthly allowance must be reduced accordingly.

You're going to have to play hardball, tough love is required here. You must stand firm in order to teach them to live within their means with what is actually generous help for you but it's going too far, they're adults not children (& even they must learn). Either that or support them, brother & GF for the rest of their days.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

ent_moot wrote: »

Hello,

I'm looking for a practical way to limit my parents spending.

My Dad is disabled and my mother was dismissed 9 months ago and has been unable to find work, though she established a good income from private work.

Currently, I have to top them up by between £500 and £1000 every month. I have budgeted to be able to top them up by £500 per month for the next 3 years, by which point they will reach state pension age and hopefully have enough to be independent, or at least to sell up and move somewhere cheaper. They can't move now because they would lose my mother's private income.

I have total control and visibility over the online banking, and I produce a summary of their spending every month. I've given them a generous budget which is considerably higher than what I have for my own family; however, they are routinely over budget, sometimes by as much as £1600 in a single month. I'm left fitting the bill.

This makes me utterly furious to the point that I've come close to completely cutting them off. It is a constant source of stress and worry, and has been seriously affecting my sleep for months now, not to mention being a source of conflict with my wife and I.

The reason for their overspending is typically because they help out other people who they feel are in even more need than themselves (e.g. my unemployed brother and his alcoholic and mentally ill girlfriend who is due to give birth in 1 week).

I've set ultimatum after ultimatum, and nothing works. I've begged, I've wept, I've created spreadsheets and forecasts, I've given them practical advice, I've done everything.

If I get utterly furious with them and pester them relentlessly, then they'll be good for a month or two but then revert back into excessive spending. My mother is adamant that she only buys things that are necessary; however, I strongly disagree with her judgement.

Example: this last month she has spent £350 on petrol alone, despite having 0 travel for work (per private work she does from home). The reason for the travel: social services have said that if my brother's girlfriend does not attend a myriad of courses, they will take the baby away at birth. This is because of a previous incident with her first child and her drinking. My mother has been left with the bill of taxiing her around.

My mother sees herself as helping the situation when I see it as delaying the inevitable: it is in the best interests of the child to be adopted. There is no way my brother, who suffers from severe depression and has a history of violence plus his girlfriend who is alcoholic and also mentally ill will ever be able to look after and bring up a child. With my mother's help maybe, but she has to care for my disabled father and keep working if she's to keep her home.

I'm at my whits end. If I cut off the money, they will lose their home, my mother's private teaching, and rapidly spiral into debt as they were before I took control of their finances. The hope for them to have a half decent retirement goes out the window.

However, I will not throw away my own hopes and dreams and well-being because of their spending.

So, I was thinking that some practical way to limit their spending might be the solution.

Ideal scenario: they would have a daily amount of cash and no way to spend more than it. My mother says she is up for this.

I've just seen goHenry which is designed for children's pocket money. It looks perfect. Does anyone have experience with this?

And before you tell me that I should just reason with my parents: they are very reasonable. However, my mother feels trapped: she knows the strain she is putting on me, but at the same time she can stop her self helping my bother and her soon-to-born grand daughter. I think that she gets so caught up in the daily trials of caring for my disabled dad, sorting out my depressed brother and his alcoholic girlfriend whilst also trying to work that she lacks the time and energy to be thrifty. There's also the fact that my dad was a big earner before he lost his health, so they've had a lifetime of big spending with interest-only mortgages without any retirement plan. Hence it's unlearning a lifetime of bad habits.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and intelligent post. You have explained the situation very clearly and I really feel for you. Through no fault of your own, you are in a very difficult situation. The nuclear option of withdrawing all support is not viable, but neither is continuing a s you are.
I cannot offer any better "advice" than the previous post but may I pass on my good wishes and wish you well as you grapple with this situation.

trailingspouse

How old are your parents? I'm guessing (based on the fact that your Mum is still working) that they're under 65. I'm also guessing that they have no diagnosis of dementia or any other problem that could cause them to not be capable of running their affairs themselves.

It's sad to say - some people are just !!!!less. And it is their right to be so. It's not your problem to fix.

Basically your mother's priorities are not the same as yours. For whatever reason, she feels she has to be nice to people, and on one level that's no bad thing. But it means she gets taken advantage of. Or as things stand at the moment you get taken advantage of.

I think you are very similar to her in many ways - you want to help. She wants to help others, and can't see that sometimes that's not the right thing to do. You want to help her - and you are also struggling with the fact that it isn't always the right thing to do.

It's all about priorities. You have to decide what your priorities are - you're going to have to fall out with your mother, or with your wife. Only you can decide which way to jump.

trailingspouse

For goodness sake MSE!!
F. E. C. K. less

It's a word that's perfectly acceptable in every corner of society.

Thanks goodness the OP doesn't live in S!!!!horpe...

alanq

Has the interest-only mortgage been paid off? If not what is the plan to pay back the capital?

If you cut off funds are your parents the sort who would resort to expensive loans?

Silvertabby

From a purely financial perspective: if things collapse, they will lose their house, my mother's private income and burn through the equity they have. This means no inheritance. If, however, they can keep their house and become self-sufficient, then they may have something to pass on. Posted by ent_moot

Are you sure that your parents won't leave the house to your brother, on the grounds that 'he needs it and you don't' ? That is what happend to me - then my sister went bankrupt within 2 years and lost the lot.

robatwork

Is there a way that you can buy your parents house now?

Failing that can they equity release some of it? I would forget the inheritance for now, assume you'll get nothing and anything will be a bonus.

You need to make them self-sufficient and their only asset is their house, so you need to leverage it.

Sea_Shell

What a very difficult situation to find yourself in....and I thought my family were financially dysfunctional.

My advice would be to try and limit (if not withdraw completely) your monthly support. You've your own family's future to think of here. I wouldn't worry about any potential inheritance, as it may be a LONG way off, and there might not be anything left anyway. You could continue to give them the shirt of your back, and it'll never be enough, and they could leave the house etc to your Brother at the end of the day anyway.

Tell them you love them, but that you won't be their enabeller any more. If their house of cards falls down, then that might be the only way they'll learn. Easy to say, hard to do, i know.

As for my lot...they haven't actually got to the stage of needing bailing out financially....YET!!!!

But at the moment i have to sit back and bite my tongue whilst sibling withdraws from the Bank of Mum and Dad at a rate of approx £15,000 a year. That's money they're never going to see again and will no doubt need at some time in the future....guess whose door they'll come knocking at then!!

If the time comes, will i take my own advice....hmmm have to wait and see, but i hope i have the strength to say sorry, but no.

Good luck with what you decide to do.