Limiting my parent's spending - goHenry

ent_moot

Hello,

I'm looking for a practical way to limit my parents spending.

My Dad is disabled and my mother was dismissed 9 months ago and has been unable to find work, though she established a good income from private work.

Currently, I have to top them up by between £500 and £1000 every month. I have budgeted to be able to top them up by £500 per month for the next 3 years, by which point they will reach state pension age and hopefully have enough to be independent, or at least to sell up and move somewhere cheaper. They can't move now because they would lose my mother's private income.

I have total control and visibility over the online banking, and I produce a summary of their spending every month. I've given them a generous budget which is considerably higher than what I have for my own family; however, they are routinely over budget, sometimes by as much as £1600 in a single month. I'm left fitting the bill.

This makes me utterly furious to the point that I've come close to completely cutting them off. It is a constant source of stress and worry, and has been seriously affecting my sleep for months now, not to mention being a source of conflict with my wife and I.

The reason for their overspending is typically because they help out other people who they feel are in even more need than themselves (e.g. my unemployed brother and his alcoholic and mentally ill girlfriend who is due to give birth in 1 week).

I've set ultimatum after ultimatum, and nothing works. I've begged, I've wept, I've created spreadsheets and forecasts, I've given them practical advice, I've done everything.

If I get utterly furious with them and pester them relentlessly, then they'll be good for a month or two but then revert back into excessive spending. My mother is adamant that she only buys things that are necessary; however, I strongly disagree with her judgement.

Example: this last month she has spent £350 on petrol alone, despite having 0 travel for work (per private work she does from home). The reason for the travel: social services have said that if my brother's girlfriend does not attend a myriad of courses, they will take the baby away at birth. This is because of a previous incident with her first child and her drinking. My mother has been left with the bill of taxiing her around.

My mother sees herself as helping the situation when I see it as delaying the inevitable: it is in the best interests of the child to be adopted. There is no way my brother, who suffers from severe depression and has a history of violence plus his girlfriend who is alcoholic and also mentally ill will ever be able to look after and bring up a child. With my mother's help maybe, but she has to care for my disabled father and keep working if she's to keep her home.

I'm at my whits end. If I cut off the money, they will lose their home, my mother's private teaching, and rapidly spiral into debt as they were before I took control of their finances. The hope for them to have a half decent retirement goes out the window.

However, I will not throw away my own hopes and dreams and well-being because of their spending.

So, I was thinking that some practical way to limit their spending might be the solution.

Ideal scenario: they would have a daily amount of cash and no way to spend more than it. My mother says she is up for this.

I've just seen goHenry which is designed for children's pocket money. It looks perfect. Does anyone have experience with this?

And before you tell me that I should just reason with my parents: they are very reasonable. However, my mother feels trapped: she knows the strain she is putting on me, but at the same time she can stop her self helping my bother and her soon-to-born grand daughter. I think that she gets so caught up in the daily trials of caring for my disabled dad, sorting out my depressed brother and his alcoholic girlfriend whilst also trying to work that she lacks the time and energy to be thrifty. There's also the fact that my dad was a big earner before he lost his health, so they've had a lifetime of big spending with interest-only mortgages without any retirement plan. Hence it's unlearning a lifetime of bad habits.

PeacefulWaters

You've chosen to subsidise their spending.

They've chosen to let you, but ignore your attempts to control them.

I can't say I blame them.

xylophone

Your parents grant you Power of Attorney over their bank accounts.

All of their income is paid into these accounts. All their bills are paid out of these accounts.

They have no access whatsoever to these accounts.

They each open a Yorkshire BS on line saver with ATM card.

You pay a monthly allowance for each into these accounts.

Has a state pension statement been obtained for each parent?


https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

ent_moot

It turns out that goHenry does not allow adult accounts. I've just signed up for Monzo instead.

They each open a Yorkshire BS on line saver with ATM card.

This sounds sensible. What happens if the ATM card goes into overdraft - does block transactions or incur a penalty?

xylophone

What happens if the ATM card goes into overdraft - does block transactions or incur a penalty?

This is a savings account - it cannot go into overdraft.

https://www.ybs.co.uk/savings/online/internet-saver.html

sleepymans

You trying to live their lives for them is failing. Withdraw and leave them to face the consequences of their actions.
Or face the consequences of trouble in your marriage and failure in trying to control other adults actions.

kimplus8

This is a hard one. I get that you ar acting in their best interests and trying to make sure they don't lose their home etc but what happens when the 3 or so years is up and they are relying on a pension. will you limit their allowance then too or accept that its their lives and they have to take responsibility for their poor financial decisions.

ent_moot

This is a savings account - it cannot go into overdraft.

https://www.ybs.co.uk/savings/online/internet-saver.html

Thanks, I have now opened an account and will use the approach you have suggested. Much appreciated!

When we get to the front of the Monzo queue, I will try to set it up alongside the YBS account.

You trying to live their lives for them is failing. Withdraw and leave them to face the consequences of their actions.
Or face the consequences of trouble in your marriage and failure in trying to control other adults actions.

This is exactly the advice I would have given to anyone else before having been in the situation myself. However, if you stop to think more deeply about it, you're realise that it is in my financial interests to help them:

From a purely financial perspective: if things collapse, they will lose their house, my mother's private income and burn through the equity they have. This means no inheritance. If, however, they can keep their house and become self-sufficient, then they may have something to pass on.

On a more practical perspective, while I am considerably harder than the average person I know, if they were homeless I would have to take them in. They may have the financial savvy of a goldfish, but they are good people who have been, albeit foolishly, generous to everyone they've known in need. They deserve better than to be on the street.

I'm not trying to control everything they do, I'm trying to set meaningful boundaries so that they can exist with a reasonably degree of autonomy within those boundaries.

Hopefully this will allow that to happen.

18cc

and although no one has said it, I am sure many are thinking it - well done for trying to help them all - it's not easy, particularly where family are involved. Even your brother although it sounds hopeless is being helped, although where alcoholism (girlfriend) is involved you cannot really 'help'. Hope the YBS cards help the situation.

billn

You may be setting yourself up for a major disappointment if you are looking forward to a possible inheritance, your parents may resent your trying to help and leave any money to your brother.

There are some people who simply do not understand or want to understand finances and no ammount of explaining or helping will make them do what you think is right.

As Sleepymans has said this could easily affect you and your relationship, in your situation I would, with regret step back and let them get on with it unless you are happy (which you obviously are not) with giving them this money every month.

meer53

Why would your mother lose her income if they sold the house to release some capital ? Surely they'd still have somewhere to live so she can continue ? I would tell them their options are to live within their means, without your top ups, or sell the house and rent somewhere. Why are you worried about them passing on an inheritance when they obviously aren't worried about your situation ?