Prosperous soul in the making

MovingForwards

Enjoy the ballet, you'll get a lot from it with the movements and shapes. It'll be interesting to hear if you've gained any inspiration from it.

savingholmes

Thanks MF. Trying to give myself staged things to look forward to and that are part of creating my new life.

Nearly there... Off to balance class shortly and will then have a late tea.

I missed 10 messages earlier about who was picking up DD tomorrow. Such a shame not Ex... He is also getting a works van over the weekend and has been given the free use of storage space by a relative

 Others rescuing him instead of me. Progress for me 😌 even if not for him 

badmemory

Some people like your ex always fall on their feet/let others pick up the baton for them.  He'll just take them for a mug.  Just so long as you are not one of them.

Drawingaline

Very glad to help with the tickets, and like I said brilliant timing! 😂 Nice and cheap, if you love it you know it is something you will want to spend more on in future, if it's not for you then not a lot spent out. Thats how I see theatre. It's why I tend to go for cheap seats, if I love a production I will go back and spend more. So far its only been SIX that has made me want to do this. Also if I spend £20-30 on a ticket then I can see more things 😜

savingholmes

Thanks @badmemory and @Drawingaline
My sis has agreed to go with me to the ballet - so going to stay overnight with her at least one night. My brother would like to meet up while I'm down south too which would be nice - so will check if he's available that weekend.

I've checked into the water credit situation - and I can ask for a refund or use it towards the next bill. I'm going to ask them to know my bill down substantially - provided Ex doesn't ask for a share. Hoping he won't though as it will help towards DD costs.

Here's hoping that what we've used on gas and elec is within the credit balance. 

Still need to check into BB situation some more and make a decision.

Humdinger1

@savingholmes am now up to date with your diary! Wow, what a ride!!  I think your artistic vision will grow as you customise your house; not that it needs to, given your staggering genius.  Appreciate that you may not want to talk too much on an open forum, but did Ex really oppress and undermine you and your vision? Not everyone will get why you had to change that, even if they love you, even parents and others. As you know, you don't need permission.  Keep going, onwards and upwards love Humdinger x

savingholmes

Humdinger1 said:

@savingholmes am now up to date with your diary! Wow, what a ride!!  

I am hoping that in the future - I will go back and re-read this period of my life again and be pleased with what I did and how far I've come. 

Humdinger1 said:

 I think your artistic vision will grow as you customise your house; not that it needs to, given your staggering genius.  

You can come again if you are going to write things like that!! Thank you.

Humdinger1 said:

Appreciate that you may not want to talk too much on an open forum, but did Ex really oppress and undermine you and your vision? 

Some people on here know my real name - so trying to be careful. My family also know I'm on here - and they would easily recognise which diary was mine - so try to be careful - particularly in case the kids ever read it... 

In terms of vision for the house and garden - his tastes are more conservative than mine - and he resisted change and is by default lazy. My Ex has not consciously oppressed me. It was more a casual neglect. Lack of support. Lack of effort. Lack of encouragement. He has never bothered to read my book. He doesn't like / value abstract art - my paintings are too busy for him... My paintings or even house decorating isn't perfect so his attitude was why bother, pay someone else to do it... (with what £? and where's the joy in that?)

If he didn't like my cooking or it was slightly overdone - he thought it was okay to comment (guys it's never okay - just be grateful or do it yourself!!) Not pulling his weight. A speaking of his mind with zero emotional intelligence and all the damage that can do. Some of that is linked to undiagnosed ASD and ADHD so he could struggle to change (he's trying to get a diagnosis). Not picking up the slack when I needed help - even when I was at my wit's end and desperate. Not making time for me. Repeated cycles of debt - with the next cycle seeming to be about to repeat (at his instigation) before we'd escaped the last one.... That was one of many final straws.

We grew apart. He has a fixed mindset - I have a growth one. I have to be constantly learning and evolving. Over time we have become very different people with different tastes. He wanted early retirement on my pension - but couldn't be bothered to get a better job and pension himself to afford it without relying on me. He had no vision for his life - and therefore I feared he would just be a gamer - with little else to give him purpose or direction (or income). He's still very involved in church - I'm not currently. At at no point did he prioritise my needs even when I desperately needed him to. 

Neither of us have intentionally harmed each other - but that doesn't mean either of us will come out of the experience unscathed. As the saying goes - it takes two... I am not an easy person to be married to. I am super noise sensitive - and he has very noisy hobbies - guitar, drums, gaming etc. I was a computer widow and resented it. He was a night owl and regularly woke me up in the early hours of the morning... I'd describe him as a lacklustre Peter P@n, a lost b0y, who has never quite grown up.

I want to make it clear - this isn't and won't be a men bashing diary. I have some good men in my wider family and friends network and my DS is gorgeous. Ex is desperate for us to remain friends - and continue being a part of my wider family. I'm not sure that will be possible longer term but am going with it for now. It probably has been one of the most amicable divorces in history - but I will still be so relieved when it's finally done.

 Humdinger1 said:

Not everyone will get why you had to change that, even if they love you, even parents and others. As you know, you don't need permission.  Keep going, onwards and upwards love Humdinger x

I think some people in my life believe they should have a say - and I think it has come as a huge shock to find out that I'm not giving into their demands and push back - including those who like to use religious arguments to try and get me to conform. I'm done conforming. I don't know where I'll end up but for now am happy to learn, grow, explore and play. I've done far too little playing in my life and am going to make up for lost time. Sensible is over-rated...

savingholmes

So the MSE side of things. Turns out I'm not in credit on the water bill - we're in debt by £152 - so asking Ex to pay his half. I need to do a water off consumption test to see if I have a leak as it feels incredibly high given that we're now down to mostly being 2 people at home.

I finally got to speak to the divorce practice's property solicitor only for her to tell me she can't act for me as the other company is according to the letter they sent Ex (that he emailed me). She told me the 4 things I needed to make sure of - I'm hoping this means that my bill will be smaller!! I rang the conveyancer - and got through after about 15 minutes. They are now going to reference the Fin C0nsent 0rder in the property txfr form - so that resolves my nagging worries. I've asked them to email it through when it's done in the hope we can still get it through for next Friday.

Ex picked up DD and had a nightmare journey. I did laugh inside - as he's said he'll do Friday pick ups if I take her on Mondays.... I'm hoping this means I no longer have to use up my holidays to collect her!! DD needs to do her washing tomorrow before Ex takes the dryer (he's taking it again now which is a blow).

I'm probably going to do some work this weekend - as I feel behind  and I have looming deadlines. It will help me build up flexi for life admin and keep me distracted from the weekend's upheaval as he shifts his gear. 

I nipped to MnS earlier and spent about £17 on treat food - cake, bread and an italian meal deal. I get paid Monday. 

A lot of big stuff I budgeted for has shifted into next pay month (starts Monday) or beyond (unless I buy the dryer this weekend). I have therefore finished the month at around £2720 in credit (including the gift I was given a month ago - more than offsetting my CC balance). Really pleased with that as I've effectively added £400 of savings this month.

Next month though my one off bills are due to be horrific 
£99 for new will
£300-500 for conveyancing & additional advice
£400ish for divorce lawyer
£763 to Ex (on top of £ from mortgage minus £250 completion cash back money) so only £513 new £

Up to £180 New dryer (may put on 0% CC - and pay £ off target CC instead where rate runs out March)
£50-100 Boiler Service & any parts (radiator valves often need replacing) - not booked yet
Up to £49 Wheel alignment - not booked yet

Plus the remaining house / shared bills move into my name - so 
£120 for cleaner (reduced from £160)
c£123-160 for Energy bills (still not got login details for new supplier)
£22-27 BB
£27 Dentist

Mitigation
I've reduced my counsellor by £40 pcm  to help compensate
No new mortgage payment until Dec pay day
Due vouchers from work soon

At new year I may post an SOA but the next couple of months aren't typical so no point right now.

MovingForwards

Reading your reasons was like looking in the mirror and seeing my former life, only my ex p3t3r pan was musician day dreamer, who wanted everything to fall into his lap. Didn't realise the day job was needed until the dream funded life and it would be a long hard slog balancing both.

Get through the rest of this year and delay some bits for a few month, that extra few quid will reduce money stress and it will enable the new year to start afresh.

jwil

Have a good weekend and hope ex has moved a lot of stuff by the end of it!